To Say Nothing of the Stag
by MessersSpideyTapp
Summary: Perhaps letting his snitch open a hole in Lily's head was not the best tactic to conquer her heart, but Merlin knew she deserved it! Perhaps it opened her thick skull a bit , just enough to let him in...but alas , no such luck.
1. A Day to Day Basis

**A Day to Day Basis**

**An: Hey , I fixed this chapster up a bit , tell me what ya think , da?**

For a second , or fraction of one , when the golden wings rushed at her with such speed , she did realize it would crash , make it's mark , and finally end it's purpose in life .The Snitch scratched her brain and cracked her skull , she felt as though Vesuvius could not compare to the eruption of pain in her head. Her eyes were open wide and she tried to blink blinding tears out of the way to sight , but her attempts failed miserably and ended only in a fit of twitching .

Once she sat up , she felt , to her misfortune , three hundred years older. The first she saw ( for lack of a better word) were long wiggle-some pinkish creatures , in her mind , she thought of them as domesticated, living, jam- then she thought about how much her mum loved jam , and how much she fancied eating it like a pig. Obviously there was some type of fog in her head, for she smiled as well.

When her vision focused a bit , she saw a mound of black and spectacles hurrying toward her, she inwardly groaned. Mainly because if she'd voiced her disgust and disappointment at having _Potter _running at her with considerable speeds the pain of her skull cracking would erupt tenfold. So she settled for imagining an immense blob of phlegm splatter upon his untidy head.

Before she knew it , a bob of smooth black hair , tousled , but not-so-messy as to set her into her automatic slap of response, was leaning over her.

"Aright Evans?" asked Sirius.

"Dandy" Lily groaned .

Finally catching up , James muttered "Erm…mm…sorry…" .

Positively fuming, Lily thought to look on the bright side , Vesuvius was not located upon her brow but in another country!

" No Potter, you're not , but , That is to be expected from the likes of you" the silence was filled with the steam that came out of her ears " Look what you've done now! My head will be permanently deformed after this! People would think you are some type of Merlin! Not an under-age git-of-a-wizard _starved_ of attention"

Lily's voice was calm , having six years of previous experience with Potter , she learned to let the fury out in small doses . She tried to ignore that her head was about to crack open and spill all it's contents, and that lifeless snitch that lay by her palm. Getting up , she swiveled a little , but felt decidedly better , since on the floor , the much taller height of her peers had gotten her a bit intimidated.

" 'Got a point there , Prongs , 'wouldn't want you _starved_ , after all , you do look a little melancholic lately" Sirius smiled, giving Lily a look saying,_ Maybe you should feed him._

"Shut Up. Aright Evans , I'm _not _sorry. The truth is I rather be over there"- he pointed to a group of snickering Gryffindor girls –" at least there , my talent will be appreciated"

"_This_ is your talent?" Lily asked skeptically , pointing to the snitch.

"No…." he shook his head for good measure, but got distracted by a rather shiny object laying on Lily's bosom. Noticing , she quickly crossed her arms before her chest and glared a if-looks-could-kill-you'd-be-my-owl's-mush-dinner glare.

" See here Prongs," Sirius said clapping James on the back " the way I see it , the last person who 'appreciated your talent' has committed suicide" he gestured to the now gray-golden snitch "and almost murdered your lov- I mean Evans here" he added.

"Whose side are you on , Padfoot!" asked James in a mock-hurt voice .

"I'm not sure , but I'm going to hang around until I make sure your mate didn't cut open Evans pretty little head" Sirius retorted.

"SHE KILLED MY SNITCH!" James screeched , pointing an accusing finger at Lily , whom had both palms on her skull , as if trying to piece it back together.

Sirius shook his head , as an annoyed parent would , after watching their child do something incredibly idiotic.

"DID NOT! _IT_ ALMOST BLEW MY HEAD OPEN! WHICH IS YOUR FAULT ANYWAY!" Lily retorted , and if they had not had the attention of their resting peers , they had it now.

"AT LEAST IT WAS FUNNY! EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING!" They were both now yelling at the highest capacity of their lungs , their arm pushed back as if trying to get impulse , their faces scrunched into child's .

Sirius was laughing hysterically now , and had conjured a rather large Pack-mule to carry cockroach clusters to the other audience-members.

" WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS MAKING ME TICK?" Lily asked , mad as ever , having just passed the usual , BIG-HEADED-PRICK argument and the WHO-CARES-IF-I-AM-A-PRCK-IF-YOU-ARE-A-BLOODY-COW comeback .

"Ooooo , I make you tick ? What else do I make you do , Evans ?Having dreams about me? Or are you reconsidering my earlier proposal?" seeing her confused glare he added

"You don't remember? Oh , well , I'll just ask again , will you go out with me?" he said sensuously .

Lily flushed , then Sirius yelled triumphantly " One-hundred sixteenth time!" he insisted on keeping James's numerous attempt at Lily's affections tallied, "This week!" he added.

"Those aren't called dreams , Potter , maybe you are familiar with the term , 'nightmare'...no, perhaps subconscious psychosis ? As in insanity?" she asked.

James laughed ," You must be crazed with love for me" he said humorously.

" And _you_ must be smoking Filtch's pipes again" Lily added , being a prefect , she did have it on good authority that Filtch , was _indeed_ an avid pipe- smoker. As was the usual routine , Sirius's booming laughter rung all throughout the lake.

"Ha ha ha HA , oi …oof , mate , … stop it…haha…you're killing me , I have to piss….hehehe HAHA" he was now rolling on the ground , clutching his lower belly , apparently in pain.

" Maybe you should go to Poppy , she'll take care ya ,you should know I'm really sorry my no-longer-golden mate ruined you face like _that_" then seeing the loathing look , he added " But , I'm sure she'll fix it up just fine"

"I can take care of myself-git" Lily responded angrily, her hand flying to the spot where the snitch had made it's mark, feeling for deformities.

"How witty!" James battered his eyelashes. The on looking group of gals broke into a fit of giggles , "Go on Evans, although I would _love _to admire your lovely face all day –and night" he made suggestive gestures "I'm a busy man … I've got ….. ahh….Quidditch practice"

Lily glared holes through his robes ,and handed him his now almost-black-golden-snitch , James brushed his fingers on her hand and looked deep into her eyes , she said " Fix your hair Potter , every time I see you (which is too often for my liking), you look more like a beggar"

Sirius erupted with laughter once more , heading to the castle entrance with a wave( and speed , considering he was urinating on himself). James , smiling a the seemingly never-ending sense of humor that Sirius possessed , said –" I'll catch you later Evans , maybe in a more comfortable situation…then you can confess your devotion for me … see how thoughtful I am?"

Lily groaned and did a dismissive hand gesture , walking briskly into the castle. Thinking that she _should_ give the head nurse the pleasure of a visit , since her vision was turning greenish ,and she had to patrol anyway.

…

The day before the end of the term was as hot and humid as any breath of dragon. The temperature was this to such a point that the professors lounging in the Herbology classroom , found the mandrake boiling and shouting curses of protest , with such vigor , a couple of them fainted. Later when asked what in the name of Merlin had caused them to faint , the professors had answered lazily " The little furious voices" , for some reason the room always got awkwardly quiet afterward….Needless to say the day _was_ hot .

Because of the horrid weather, the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry , were permitted to leave their robes behind. Most thought to bring their muggle clothing , and were still cooking themselves . The students were advised to bring an 'emergency stock' of muggle clothing , in case worst came to worst. So that if they would have to leave the safety of the school , the students could 'blend' without much difficulty. The only flaw in this crackles plan , unfortunately , was that most wizards had no idea what muggles dressed as , much less how to 'blend'.

The lake was a favorite rest spot for Gryffindors , a place they could have some peace from the other houses. Since the Hufflepuffs were terrified of the famed 'lake monster' , rumored to be a giant squid ( the kitchens had field days every time they served seafood , being bombarded with inquiries of where the food had originated) , Ravenclaws preferred to use resting periods for catch up studying and Slytherins preferred never to see the sun.

Around the lake , one could find just about every color , texture , and style of clothing ever constructed, although eccentrically mashed together. There were men with dresses , claiming to have bought their clothing from muggle stores therefore they had to be worn by muggles , gals with boxers and the same excuse, and some must have been frying with their blinding fluorescent suits( no doubt suggestion from their parents , whom thought suits were the safest way to go). Walking the perimeter , one could also admire the attempts to wrestle out of the muggle clothing , or the cutting of sleeves of shirts and the legs of trousers ,begging for a simple breeze. The elements apparently addled with the young wizards brains since, you could also see the attempts at freezing charms on the lake , or themselves , some charms to cloud the sky , or better yet , the sun.

…

" Mate , I swear , If I die in this heat , I want you to know , that none of you pricks can have my money!" Sirius said in an exasperated voice.

"I don't want you money!" Peter exclaimed in a tone that suggested quite the opposite.

"You mean the one you were disowned from? " seeing Sirius face fall , Remus quickly said "You could never have enough galleons to sedate our lust for chocolate , either way"

He seemed to be the only one not in the least bothered with the heat , but , nothing could really affect Moony except a full moon , the rest , he didn't deem with much ado.

Seeing that James wasn't laughing (as the rest of then were) , Sirius asked ,

"You okay , Prong? You seem a bit …._thoughtful_" Sirius spoke the last word in disgust .

"Nah! Just dreaming of tomorrow" he said wistfully .

"Literally?"

"Yeah! I can't wait to go home ! The food , the love! The Quidditch , my own room , without you gits to complain about my nightly gasses-" James stopped reminiscing suddenly and went into a haze.

_Not AGAIN!_ Thought Remus , while Peter giggled like a crazed first-year with newly discovered romantic experience and Sirius rolled his eyes at James .

They called it Evansyndrom , said that _it_ had plagued James since third year , it caused him vivid dreams , constant drooling , the inexplicable urge to carve her name on something (even if it was on his own leg) , and the incapacity to pay any speck of attention to anything else while Evans was less than a kilometer away, thus going into his _haze_.

None of the three unaffected Marauders had any doubt that Evans was …attractive, (although they wouldn't be caught dead saying those word in front of their fellow possessive companion) but they struggled to perceive what so spectacular about her.

Accustomed to the uptight Evans , the lakeside residents gaped at her.. she never appeared to be affected by the compulsive need her female companions were enraptured by –to be attractive. While she spoke to her friends , her face morphed into attentiveness , concern , then laughter, reigning for miles. Lily wore a simple airy dress which had on it what she thought of as a hideous flowery print , yet she seemed comfortable, though the words 'Lily' and 'dress' would never be written or spoken in the same sentence. The overall effect was quite enamoring.

"Prongs , Hey Prongs! Prongs! PRONGS!" James didn't snap out , as was usual , before he embarrassed himself , or lost his cool , but unfortunately it did not click today.

"She's certainly grown" he whispered.

Not realizing what he was doing , or moving towards ( which was definitely of more importance) James found himself inside a hoard of very confused , giggling and skimpily dressed girls , one of them being Lily Evans , though she however was neither giggling or confused.

"Evans! What a marvelous surprise!" he made a courtly bow , knocking his head on some no-name girl , whom giggled profusely and ran to tell tall tales of her luck to her equally easily impressed friend.

" Potter" she tried her best to ignore his presence "what do you want?" she spat , not being able to fain complete indifference.

"Just…admiring , I guess" he said innocently.

There was a minute's silence then the hoard practically blasted with laughter.

"He's just so CUTE!" some gal yelled in between breaths . "She's so idiotic !" was a fierce (and loud ) reply " Let's get close so we can get splattered by his sweat!" a surprisingly popular cry, and the hoard fell silent once more. Lily made a grunt that sounded curiously like a bull with a red cape in front of it's nose.

" You will never change , Potter" she said simply.

" No darling , and you love it" he cheekily grinned.

"What are you doing here anyway?" she asked trying to change the subject , which had rose considerable color to her cheeks , despite the heat.

"Just what I said , admiring"

" Admiring what , exactly?"

" The flowers" he said, pointing at a well-groomed rose bush close by , but letting his eyes roam over the lively flower print.

Not noticing , Lily said stiffly "Didn't figure you a romantic"

"Ahh, but you see , I figure myself a lot of things , you might see them , if you looked " he said , emphasizing the words with his eyes , most of the hoard sighed simultaneously.

" I figure myself rather blind" she said , not catching on to the romanticism , or not wanting to.

"Well , I guess that doesn't matter , I'm really just a hopeless romantic" she laughed , despite her wishes and rock-hard resolution , along with the few dozen girls.

"See… I can be amusing"

"Oh , yes , amusing , annoying , insufferable , in a word ..git" she answered with a snort of laughter.

" Stop it!" he protested humorously" you're making me blush" Lily laughed again , along with the ever copying hoard.

"Well…I'll see you tomorrow , on the train, Evans ?" she nodded , he beamed

"Bye, then!"

"G'bye Potter" Lily said , adding her own smile .

He turned around and started walking towards the impatient Marauders , but stopped , apparently remembering something.

"Oh , and , Bye Girls"

The hoard broke into fitful giggles , each one saying something louder as James got further away.

"He's so Handsome!" one screeched

" I'm so jealous of you !" one commented to Lily

"Why does he like you so much? I mean , you aren't _that_ pretty" maybe she did not realize how truly insulting she was, which was highly improbable , due to the fact that it had been a seventh-year who had stated her comment so boldly.

"And he's a great guy too ," said one as if she had it on authority " James Potter is the funniest and kindest boy ever! You don't need much more than brains to love him"

"Of course you don't need much more than brains to love him, JUST LOOK AT HIS ARSE!" one retorted , and a silence seemed to drape over all in the lake.

James's smug look morphed into one of complete shock and he started to grope his lower back . It seemed that he hadn't been aware of that particular attribute, and Lily could almost see his head swelling and engulfing the school with such an immense size.

Then the Hoard exploded and the laughter was contagious, soon the whole of the lake was giggling and snickering about the idiotic comment on James's bum. Lily seemed to be embarrassed she could be found in such company , and tried to walk as quickly as wizardly possible into the castle . _His Arse? Why did his bum have to come into consideration? Are we animals? . _

James almost made it to the Marauders , but seeing Lily walking into the school alone made him rethink his decision and mouthed 'I'll see you later' to Sirius . The Marauders however , were much too busy to care , since the hoard had remembered that Sirius Black was so much more handsome than James Potter. By the time James reached the door to the castle , Sirius was giving Remus instructions to go to the right of the hoard , Sirius would go to the left , and Peter could get the strays.

Lily rounded a corner , still rushing , though having long ago left behind the Gryffindor resting spot. _I'm Not pretty?_ _Stop It Lily! _she scolded herself,_ You are not a superficial person , much less that shallow! Besides, you're gorgeous!_ She chuckled and thought a bit about how stupid she would look if anyone saw her laughing to herself.

Suddenly , as she passed what she thought was an empty classroom , she was grabbed and pulled into it. She found herself in, not an empty classroom , but broom closet , facing a pair of glasses , and too-messy jet black hair.

"What now Potter?" she spat , not too content with the fact that she was in a broom closet with…._him_.

" I just wanted to say …something to you" he looked a bit …nervous. _Potter? Nervous! _

"What?"

"Just that….you look good , Evans"

She turned and walked out of the closet , slamming the wooden door , but not before James could get a glimpse of her blushing face.


	2. For Train Rides Could Never Be Longer

**For Train Rides Could Never be Longer**

She tried applying as much force as she could muster , but the trunk would not budge , it seemed to be as stubborn about staying as she was about leaving .

"Bloody MULE!" she yelled

"Let me help you there , Lils"

"Thanks Danny" she said breathlessly

Danielle, being Lily's best and oldest friend , smiled and dismissed the matter. She was a very polite girl. She was also , fascinated with rebelling against anything and everything that was put down as a stereotype , or unwritten rule.

Once in grade school , the teacher had let it 'accidentally' slip that good girls baked cookies (obviously in the hope that this comment would motivate some of the insecure youths into actually _putting_ the dammed cookie batter in the oven). This did not have the desired effect on Danielle, much to the teachers' dismay, the 'turd-of-a-child' had dumped the cookie batter on her foot and ran away screaming bloody murder. Poor professor has never been the same, since , wizard grade school is much different from muggle, instead of the cookie batter harmlessly (although grossly) slide through the woman's plump toes, 'Madam Mitsfy's Magical Misfit Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter' had turned her already oversized foot an unbecoming shade of puke-green, with quite unpleasant violet undertones (not to mention the foot was now the size of a dragon's) .

Yes , well , Danielle Weasley was a very special girl, she loved to keep up with her families traditions , she'd told Lily so the first time they ever met .Lily had taken offence at this(since she knew Danielle's family were purebloods) and told Danielle that she was muggle-born , she'd been quite shocked though , when Danielle had broken into a dazzling smile and stated "Even better , my parents will absolutely _adore _you". The Weasleys were a family whom , according to Danielle, "Had fame for being a bunch of mud-blood lovers and blood traitors". Lily disregarded the common opinion of the Weasleys , and marveled at Danielle's family. They were the kindest purebloods she had ever dreamed of meeting , of course , that was something else the Weasleys rebelled against , purebloods were supposed to be arse-wipes.

"No prob, why didn't you just levitate it? We are still allowed to do magic here , you know" Danny said , clearly perplexed.

Lily slapped her palm to her forehead.

"I'm really not smart , ya know" she said after Danielle stopped laughing.

" 'course ya are" smiling , a bit sadly she added "I'm sorry about this summer , Lils , you know I would love for you to stay with us, right?"

" Of course I do , Danny ! You've apologized three thousand times!"

" Yeah well , just making sure you heard me the first two thousand ninety nine times"

They laughed, Lily , looking at her still pitying friend said,

"Seriously , Danny , it's aright, mum'll be thrilled anyway , she's been sending me letters with tear streaks on them ….ridiculous , really. Though the tear streaks could be Petunias' I'm sure she isn't ecstatic to see her 'FREAK THAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN BORN ON ANOTHER PLANET' sister keeping her company all summer, after all , I'm not even sure if that goop wore off yet , I figured one does not ask that sort of thing in letters"

Both girls were in gales of laughter, every time it died down a bit ,one would have some sort of animal-like giggle and they would be at it again.

They remembered the events of their fifth year summer, very vividly , actually. Danielle had not been able to stay half the summer with her older brother , Arthur ( whom had been busy getting his degree in Muggle Studies) had spent the time with Lily and her family. Her mother had been excessively content with the idea , filling the weeks before Danny's arrival with eccentric cleaning , while spending the weeks after it compulsively feeding the poor girl. Lily's father , as usual , had been silent , although the aura that followed the usually eerie quiet was different , somehow approving , speculative but overall , anxious. He loved to see his daughter happy. Lily's parents had been wonderful , they had their quirks as every other adult did , occasionally overfeeding or causing awkward silences after asking things like "so.. how _is_ your boyfriend?" or ... " look at her in that picture! She was such a scandalous little thing, flashing her bum at everyone who passed us , she didn't bother to tell me I had forgotten to put her knickers on" .

Petunia though, loathed the idea, which was small surprise to all , really. She spent that summer practicing favorite phrases such as " One freak is enough" or throwing a fit down the staircases about how Lily and her freak-friend (yes , original , I know) had poisoned her into kissing a toad on her bed stool, while Lily made the same journey saying that just because she had kissed Vernon Dursley , it did not mean she had given her any poison , it only explained that Petunia had gone completely bonkers in their Dad's pipe smoke. In her opinion , Pet' could not have been more loud ,ignorant , arrogant or obnoxious.

Danny and Lily had mutely decided to truly give Petunia something to scream about . Deciding on something simple , the pair figured they should sabotage her shampoo , simple , yes , yet effective. While purchasing their school supplies in Diagon Alley , they had stopped at a local beauty shop and bought 'Madam Mitsfy's HAIR LOCK' ( Danny had blindly trusted the woman after her life changing experience) thinking it was perfect for the occasion. Hoping the potion worked as well as it advertised , they had poured half it's contents in Petunia's shampoo , the other half in her conditioner ( no chances for failure) .

" Madam Mitsfy's HAIR LOCK , guarantees (after considerable smothering ) you will be dancing centuries of balls with that perfect hair you worked so hard on ._literally_." the mischievous pair had read that night , after hearing Petunia announce to the household she would be bathing for the next hour , since _Verny_ would be picking her up in two , and she wanted to wash her hair.

Well, they had much fun that summer, dancing in daises , smelling them , and sneezing them back in place, remembering with merry laughter how the potion wasn't as reliable as it claimed , but for their purpose , it had functioned better than either could have imagined. 'HAIR LOCK' had turned a horrid shade of bubble gum _peach_ after a couple of hours of smothering , it had become so hard …well , a soccer ball had hit Pet's head one day… and a week later , it had barely _shifted_ it's position on her skull. Lily and Danielle had received stern punishments from Mrs. Evans , although in their opinion , any deed was worth the pain , they only wished they could have seen dear old _Verny's _mug when he'd caught sight of Pet's new hair style.

"Arthur says he'll be able to come with us to Switzerland ( since our family can only do this kind of thing once in a while) but under the condition that we let Molly come with us , I don't believe mum minds , she practically wet herself when Arthur asked that girl to marry him , of _excitement ._Now she'll be insufferable …. Lils? Are you listening?"

Lily had been looking out the window of the compartment , it was foggy and stained , they had just passed Hogsmeade and she was dreaming of the summer to come and her mum's roast beef , she could almost taste it.

"Huh? Oh! No…sorry"

" Anything in particular I am being ignored for? Anyone?" Danny raised her brows expectantly.

Lily laughed " Ummm , yes actually , Mum's roast beef" Danielle joined in, tossing her short hair out of her eyes.

Lily always thought her friend was beautiful when she laughed , something she rarely did with anyone besides Lily , also something some Witch-Weekly reporter-lovers had deemed romantic suicide. Danny had intense electric blue eyes , that always seemed to be analyzing something you did not see or understanding some joke you were oblivious to. Her short brown hair , whom she referred to as 'hay smeared with dung' colored, had a lot more volume to it than was usual , (although it did favor the girl) Danny swore it was some spell Arthur had done while still in Hogwarts that had gone completely haywire , having kept her in bed with , instead of swollen hair , a swollen brain. She claimed that the volume of her hair was a result of the immense amount of static her huge brain produced. Lily doubted it , and told her so , which Danny had dismissed as "you simply do not have enough of an open mind" tapping her head knowingly.

"Wonder what she'll put in the stuffing this year…" Lily said reminiscing

" Stop that Lily, one would start to believe that Black finally rubbed off on you" Danielle stated jokingly.

"What!" Lily said clutching the left side of her robes as if mortally wounded , or offended "Never! If you say that , then you are one of THEM"

"Them?" Danny asked confusedly

"Yes! Them !" Lily looked around as if crazed " You are now a traitor and FIEND! ON GUARD" Lily yelled pulling out a quill from her inside pocket.

"NO! Don't!" Danielle whimpered

" 'Should have thought of that before you betrayed me Wesley! ON GUARD!"

Lily jumped on Danielle , tackling her to the floor of their compartment , madly tickling her with her quill, until Danny yelled .

"What?" Lily asked , worried

"HA!" Danny screamed triumphantly, now taking out her own quill.

Neither noticed the stifled snickers from two boys under an invisibility cloak , they were having too much fun .

The boys were having their own conversation .

"This is wrong , Padfoot"

"Oh shut it ! _I_ for one would never believe _you_ to be a Marauder , Prongs"

" No one would care what you had to say anyway , Padfoot , accept it "

"Yeah well… back to the present issue!"

"Which was what exactly?"

"It was ..ah…um" Sirius furrowed his brow , looking very handsome almost puke-worthy so "well….It'll come back to me I suppose"

"It never com-"

He hadn't been able to finish his sentence , Lily having hurtled herself on Danielle , simply stunning him and Sirius into silence.

" See , Prongs? You would never get to see this side of Lily if you weren't spying on her" Sirius whispered fiercely in his ear.

"Well , that's encouraging !" James said sarcastically

"Stop being so bloody sensitive!" he muttered angrily " I think I'm going to fix this bizarre pairing" Sirius said diabolically , drumming his long fingers together.

"What!" James whispered back , scared

"Nothing to worry about, I will just give you two some alone time"

"Or get some alone time with the real reason you brought me here" James said , finishing his thought .

Sirius smiled wickedly "stay under here" he said casually "until you think it's the right time to come out , give you a hint , wait until she is so bored, she will even talk to _you_"

Before James could change his mind , Sirius was out of the invisible barrier. Before making his entrance, he decided to check his appearance once more , and for the two hundred twenty-fifth time that day , took out his pocketed mirror (one which he would never admit to owning) which was a lively shade of pink , him having stolen it from an innocent five-year old the summer past. With that done , and a favoring swish of robes , Sirius opened the compartment door he had been spying on for the past fifteen minutes , and said

"Helloooo there, you lovely vixens, I was just passing by ..you know…._patrolling_…. and I heard a loud comment about roast beef" glancing in Danielle's direction , he added "couldn't resist"

"Ah , of course" Lily said humorously

"Black"

"Weasley… last name basis now are we?"

"Always have been , Black"

"Ah… is it imperative?"

Lily raised her eyebrows , " word of the week Sirius?" she asked jokingly

He smiled , "No actually , it's my word of the month …took me a while that one did" letting out a hardy laugh.

Danielle sat there , awkwardly looking out the dingy window, Lily and Sirius had never been on bad terms , boding over the infatuation James had on her , but she was never in on it. In fact , _I didn't want to be ….Black is an annoying prick in my back side_ , she told herself , then she felt blood rush to her cheeks as she over-analyzed what she had been thinking.

Lily glanced at her friend , she was glaring at the window , again , Danny always seemed to be glaring at a random object when Sirius was around. She knew Danny had a bit of a crush on him ( Like very other female in Hogwarts , except Lily of course) , although she wouldn't admit it under horrendous torture, not even to Lily .But Lily figured it out , how could she have not? She spent every waking moment with the girl , (except the occasional bathroom trip , or summer vacations). Lily noticed when Danny's ears would perk up , much like a dogs , when Sirius announced his monthly candidates for trips to Hogsmeade and secret meetings in the room of requirement , and cursed his name to the abyss when her name wasn't called , announcing him a superficial git and womanizer.

" Nothing to interest you here , I'm afraid, we ate it all" Danielle said , wakening from her stupor.

" Yeah well , there are other things that interest me…." Giving her a shameless gaze.

Their eye contact seemed to make the air around them crackle. Lily determinately faded into the background.

"Since there is no …interest… here you want to accompany me to get some?" Sirius asked

Danielle gave him a confused look, he laughed "Do you want to go get something to eat?" he inquired again, sparing Lily an I-will-murder-you look when she opened her mouth to reply.

"Oh!" Danielle exclaimed , as if that had been the furthest thing from her mind "Now you sound more like yourself, Black…why not , I have been craving some 'Exploding Excrements' , you think she has those?"

Sirius positively blinded them with his beaming smile "Of COURSE she does!" he yelled.

Danielle laughed , then stopped suddenly , remembering there was someone else in the room , "You want anything Lils?" she said it forcefully, saying more, **_DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING ANYTHING , or I'll rip your head off and use it as a chamber pot! _**

Sirius tended his hand out for Danny to grope , Lily was surprised to see , more on the tending than the groping, but she had sat down next to the window gloomily , and the new-found lovers had only eyes for each other's bums, so noticed nothing interesting about Lily's gape and left without a wave.

When the lovebirds rounded the corner of Lily's compartment (yes it was now Lily's , Danny had been excluded from ownership privileges completely) she made a very rude gesture to their retreating backs , quickly dashing back into her compartment , for fear of having been seen , she _was _a prefect after all, perhaps for this reason she didn't notice the rather loud snickers coming from no where in particular.

…

It had been about fifteen minutes since Danielle had decided to abandon her to the vultures. Lily silently cursed Sirius Black for stealing her only form of entertainment, then cursed herself for not being more social. She could not get over the initial shock that Danny would _actually_ leave her for Black's ever shifting attention.

_Merlin, I am just so bored! I never thought it would be possible…this is torturous!_ She thought .

"I _am _happy for her" she told herself , out loud (perhaps just to hear a voice in the now seemingly endless compartment) then she scolded herself for her sarcastic tone of voice.

She flung herself on the long seat, she noted the leather was pealing , she made a mental note to never be this bored again because it made her think like her mother. Suddenly she decided she could not stand the sight of the compartment seat and turned face up so she was facing the ceiling. She found herself searching the cracked (and peeling) once-white-now-some-color-resembling-turd paint for familiar faces , **_THIS IS RIDICULOUS! ARGGGGGGG-_** she was snatched from her furious thoughts by a clearing of throat.

Her prayers were answered ,_by a rather ironic higher being, no? YES_ she thought bitterly, after seeing who exactly had so smugly trotted into her compartment and seen her desperately bored expression.

"Lily! Always a pleasant visit"

"Potter" she said cautiously, she didn't miss the sudden change from 'Evans' to 'Lily', she had to admit she liked last name basis better , it kept the conversation comfortable, (in her opinion) and as an added plus , made her feel cool .

"Mind if I sit?" he asked gesturing to the empty seat in front of her, the part that wasn't taken up by Danielle's gigantic bull frog.

'Peti' , abbreviation for 'Petite' was not a sarcastic name ,it actually had been quite appropriate , when Danny had bought the amphibian , it had been a tadpole. Something must have gone severely wrong in the puberty department , because it grew to confusingly large proportions. Danny had insisted that Arthur had fed 'Madam Mitsfy's MIRACLE GROW' to it when it's first signs of acne appeared , of course , she had failed to mention that 'Miracle Grow' was actually a product for lawns.

Lily was smiling stupidly, truthfully , every story Danny told was amusing to her , whether it be something about Peti , or her arse , it was Arthur's fault.

Potter , having mistakenly taken her mad grinning as a yes , sat down next to the grotesque , and croaking amphibian. He was amused to see that the over-proportionate toad had a tiny bow wrapping three hairs on it's wide head , finally blurting out his first thought , he asked

"That _thing_ isn't yours , it is?" he sounded disgusted, moving a bit closer to the window in the hopes of preventing any contact with the animal, he grimaced when his robes brushed it's small leg.

"No" Lily said giggling "it's Danny's , never understood why she loves it though , I'm not even being superficial , it's a special breed that squirts some foul liquid at innocent passerby's , she's gone to the Hospital wing with me Merlin knows how many times! And still , she can kiss that thing every morning , it's amusing to watch , but horrid to experience"

James looked petrified, now actually squishing himself onto the compartment wall,

"Does it do it randomly?" he asked terrified.

"Oh no , she's very picky , only does it to her enemies" she said amusedly , nodding in remembrance "just don't look at her in the eyes for too long"

She burst out laughing when James blanched, then said "Don't wet yourself , Potter , it only hates me , apparently"

"Thank Merlin" he sighed

"Hey!"

"No offence intended , I just meant I worked hard to get my face the way it is , perhaps not as hard as Sirius , but hard enough , and I would mind if that thing squirted it's body liquids at me"

"Ha. So… what are you doing here?"

"Well, I was abandoned… Don't look so shocked! It's possible!" he said defensively "and I decided to take a walk"

"A walk to my compartment?"

"Well…no , not exactly , I was going to the front of the train to get the witch's trolley…but … I saw something I didn't need to , and realized you would be alone" he ended this with a self satisfied smile.

"What exactly did you see?" her eyes were wide

"Oh no! nothing like that , just Sirius being the sick prick he is , wooing , you know …being..._sweet_ , it was sickening , I could feel the bile coming up my throat, so I turned around as quickly as possible , trying not to run over first years , and ended up here"

"Good" she breathed out a sigh "I just thought…well , never mind…" she turned red

"Well , I really don't need much imagination , just enough of a perverted mind" he laughed

" But you already have that , don't you?"

"Enough of one? No , I have a full one" he tapped his skull "it works in circles, _always_ , kind of annoying really, I'll be walking in the halls , see something on the floor and think 'hey that looks like my-"

He was interrupted by a spurt of laughter from Lily "Hahaha.. I -haha- thought-I was- hahaha-the –only- ONE!" she kept laughing , until she finally realized what she had said , gasped and covered her mouth , as if to take them back.

Both burst out laughing .

"_You?_" James asked incredulously

"Well…yeah.., it's called hormones , you know , but don't tell Danny , she thinks of me as a 'freak of nature' since I have no reaction whatsoever to her obsessive quill gestures" she showed him by sticking up a finger and placing it though an 'o' she made with her other hand and burst out laughing " I never really found that very funny , but , do you remember the time Peeves was yelling about a pencil stuck up his arse?" she laughed at his un-believing expression "yes , that was me, Remus taught me that spell"

"Wow, never would have believed it of you"

"Just goes to show you"

"Yeah…guess it does" he smiled , receiving one I return.

He stayed in her compartment for the rest of the ride, except for the occasional time when he would get up to get them something to drink.

Lily hated to admit it , for it almost ripped her tongue to say it , but Potter was almost…. Tolerable…scary thought. She was surprised that in the time she spent with him , she did not blow up , not once , although she would throw something at him on occasion , either for fun or to deflate his ego, but time with James Potter ran surprisingly quick, most of it almost pissing with laughter.

They chatted about their coming summer , and both their parent's outrageously grand cooking ( James's phrase , not Lily's ), the weather, teachers , favorite spots on Hogwarts grounds , sweets and Quidditch.

Once , James started talking about how well and fast he caught the snitch, and how when the wind tore at his hair so favorably and handsomely so , the crowd went wild.

Then , seeing Lily roll her eyes at him he said , "What? I never said I wasn't vain"

And they wet themselves again.

There was even a time when James came and sat next to Lily , with the excuse of showing her a scar on his upper neck, where according to him, a dixie (which from his description were the cousin of the pixie , with sharper teeth , crueler intentions and annoying twittering wings) had bit him on his way back home from Quidditch. She had only accented because she thought it incredibly amusing , she had heard , that dixies were in fact harmless, they roamed around bushes eating dirt and dead leaves , and had no teeth ,if they were the cousin of the pixie , it was simply because of the similarity in their names.

While she examined the scar (which she had a hard time finding, despite James's assurances that it was huge ), adding a couple of 'ooo's and 'ah's or in occasion, 'that must have hurt' s , she realized that their faces were barely inches apart, while James realized he could smell her, causing him to resemble a tomato. Lily noticed , of course , and sat back , a bit confused, and , to her intense dislike, she could not tell him to sit on the other side of the compartment, where he had been sitting before, she thought it incredibly rude.

After that , conversation drifted awkwardly to silence and back again , both too tense to make the atmosphere comfortable. Just when Lily started to wonder if she would have to change robes with Potter , Danielle arrived , with Sirius.

She was blushing profusely, along with Sirius, she seemed overjoyed , actually , she looked ready to burst . When she saw Lily , she let go of Sirius and skipped to her , kissing her on the cheek , after the initial shock, Sirius did so too. Lily appeared frozen in place .

"Oh.. Helooooo James! How are you? Good? Good! What exactly are you doing here? wait…I don't care , so don't answer that question" she sang .

Lily made a show of gagging behind her back, James snickered.

"Could you leave? We have to change , and as much as I like a healthy breeze , I like to do it in private , thanks" Lily said , pointing an accusing finger at both boys.

"Aright Lily , bye . Bye Danny" Sirius winked

"Bye Siri" she breathed

After one last incredulous look at Danny , James said "G'bye Lily"

"G'bye…James" Lily smiled , closing the compartment door.


	3. Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

**Disclaimer:**

**I have just realized that I have never put one of these, so if you didn't know , I regretfully do not own any of the characters(or personalities) you recognize, J.K. Rowling does. I am sadly not she. If I was , I would not be here , writing this mediocre story , I would be laughing at my numerous groopies lackingthe intelegence necesary to figure out the last of the horcruxes.**

**Without further ado , the much requestedsnorts, Third Chapter... **

**Where Have All the Flowers Gone?**

Lily levitated her trunk to the station floor, glaring at her shiny reflection, she couldn't believe she had been reminded to do so by Danny, Ms. Ignorance is the Motto 1977 , _ridiculous_. While scolding herself , she failed to notice Danny standing behind her with a slightly amused grin meshed with severe annoyance ,

"Ms. Ignorance…. I can't seem to recall...what?" she stuttered angrily , Danny stuttered when angry , and glared shamelessly when furious.

"Um….." Lily resembled a fish out of water , eyes widened and mouth agape "….you love me?" she managed to say.

"You better hope so…." Danny hissed viciously "but I do fortunately…. mark my words it will save you someday…. You may quote me" she addressed a wondering , gaping second year lingering among them .

Lily let out a relived sigh , letting Danny clap her roughly on the back as revenge.

"So…Switzerland" she said after an awkward silence , they were waiting for their parents.

"Yup"

"No English"

"Yup"

"No tea"

"Yup"

"No Clash"

"Yup"

"No Sirius"

"Sadly" then catching herself "…um …I mean ..yup"

There was a small portion of a second where Lily relished Danny's beet-like countenance so unlike her usual and so familiar to her own in embarrassment, then burst out laughing.

"Finally!" Lily exclaimed "You admit it verbally! After all the years of longing glances and anonymous letters torn and burnt , you said it!"

"Shut it Lilers" Danny whined "just…pretend this moment never happened…better yet , this moment never actually happened " she whispered moving her hands in a very good imitation as their Divination teacher , Mrs. Imanut , and taking her wand out in the process.

Laughing , Lily pointed at Danny's wand and said , "Now , do you really want another underage-warning on your record, besides , I would like to keep this memory , thank you very much" she finished with a snap.

"Ahh, ruddy memory charm anyway , never actually mastered the technique without obliterating some part of childhood memories"

" Even more of a reason to put your wand away" she play glared at her friend.

" Danielle Gertrude Weasley!" a unusually roaring voice screamed " You put that wand away!"

"Hello Bea…ahh … Mum" Danielle muttered , beet-like countenance returning, while making sure her wand darted at unimaginable speeds into her inner robe pocket.

Mrs.Weasley strutted up to her daughter, not in the least perturbed by her much more developed height and crushed in a bone-cracking hug.

"Oh dear!" Mrs.Weasley mumbled through her daughters' robe "We've missed you!"

"Mum…." She whined disbelievingly , eyes darting left and right , checking whose childhood memory she would have to obliterate before sundown .

"Fine , fine dear" Mrs.Weasley obliged prying herself from Danny's now tangled clothing , only to open the way for her husbands quick but effective show of affection.

"Oh hello Lily Dear" she said beaming , enveloping her in a quick cheek kiss and hug with less vigor than her daughter's but enough to leave Lily breathless.

"Hello Mrs.Weasley, Mr.Weasley, It's been far too long" Lily replied after catching an easy breath.

"It's Bea and Edgar, how many times must I repeat it dear?" she smiled kindly

"Apparently once more, Mrs.Weasley…Bea" Lily said uncomfortably

Bea laughed and shook her head , " So sorry about the summer Dear, with all the fuss in Molly's family ... the wedding and all .. then them just leaving and taking her with them …we just needed some alone time with the family …not that we don't love you like family , dear…you understand? And then all the ….trouble"

Suddenly there was rich laugher "Bea , sweetums, you are ranting " he stated matter-a-fact-ly " I'm sure Lily understands, probably wants to spend more time with her family, either-way , she knows she is welcome at our home … no need to overreact" he finished with a look at Lily , as if seeking approval.

"Of course" Lily said " My parents are very glad I am staying home this summer…what with Voldemort and all.." she said assuring.

Bea squealed , while Mr.Weasley blanched "D-don't say his name dearie.." he stuttered , looking about , checking if anyone had heard besides his shocked to hysterics daughter and wife.

Lily apologized, not having meant to scare them with her bravery-antics , she hadn't approved of the you-know-who bit when it had begun a few years back , she wasn't about to start now, although she felt bad about having run Mrs. Weasley to a restroom break.

She shifted her feat uneasily , drooping her trunk in the process , casing a flurry legion of doves to sprout out of it in their effort to escape. Lily attracted quite a few of incredulous stares as she ran screaming in a circle while avoiding the now furious winged white rats in their effort to "Dive! Dive! Dive!".

Mr.Weasley banished the murderous doves and while tending Lily his hand asked "Do you need a transport, we can walk you to the Leaky Cauldron , it's the closest Floo Station , you can Floo to …well the closets station to your home there" he finished kindly

Lily shook her head and answering Danny's confused look she said "Transfiguration Summer Project"

"Damn You!" Danny yelled outrageously "I haven't even been able to decipher the title of that chapter!"

Lily chuckled .

…

Once having waved her last good-byes to the Weasleys, she was left with her own troubling thoughts.

_Where are Mum and Dad?_

Mr. and Mrs. Evans were perfectly punctual , one of the things they most loved about Hogwarts was it's transport's most unusual un-tardiness. They were usually the first ones waving their love to Lily when she left for school and ALWAYS the first to kiss her rosy cheeks when home. It was a ritual , almost tradition . Usually.

Today , they where nowhere in line of sight , or beyond , she wagered.

Lily bit her lower lip. She half expected to hear a lone star westerns theme play on the tattered speakers and those large , dust-bunny looking things to roll by patiently. The platform was nearly abandoned.

With some cynical exceptions.

"LOOK AT YOU!" screeched a booming and unbelievingly amiable voice "You are gorgeous!" the woman screeched again "Right Frank dear ? He looks gorgeous?"

"Um…-"

"YOU DO!" then she seemed largely annoyed "Don't look at me like that little JAMMY, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS TOO!" she was screeching once more.

"Mum, Must you change your name for me every time we see each other!" a voice chocked out , whether from lack of air , or overdose of embarrassment, Lily wasn't sure.

"Of course, Jammy!" she boomed incredulously " I have no idea what I was considering when I named you James"

Lily felt the sincere need to crawl spy-like to the position the Potters , for she was now sure that it was the Potters she had been so blatantly eagle eying .

After five minutes of trying to casually tumble upon their conversation from a nearby bench , Lily succeeded. The woman was incredibly beautiful , for all her softened curves, she wore a shameless plum dress and comfy heels, and for all her famed prudent ways , in the five minutes Lily had sat observing the woman , she had smacked her lips at her husband more times than tripped on her heels, needless to say , enough times. The most comical thing about the woman , besides the vibrant dress and personality , was her seamless jet-black hair that reached her shoulders, the irony was such that Lily snorted into her conjured newspaper and sent the equally conjured sun-glasses flying to a near senior's strawberry smoothie.

"What about that girl hun?" the conversation drifted

Lily tried to bury herself under her newspaper in a panic.

"What hun? I cant hear you if you talk so low!" Lily was now in a run-to-survive mode and in the rush , left her newspaper to fend for itself, which , obviously , was followed by a breeze and a maniacal attempt to recover the hovering pages.

"Over there? Where?" Mrs. Potter did a turn on her plum heels Lily would have marveled at ,had she not been sprawled across the lustrous floor in search of missing conjured pages. Which of course caused Mrs. Potter to click her heels to Lily's 'clever' observing perch closely followed by her husband , a giggling Sirius and a curiously scarlet James.

"Yoooooo Hoooo!" the woman yelled across the platform, turning to her husband beside her and whispering "I've always wanted to do that"

Lily tried unsuccessfully to scrape herself off the gleaming floor, her ancient footwear unable to grasp the concept of balance. She also tried to ignore the lovely woman's frantic waving hands that grew by the passing millisecond.

"Darling!"

"Excuse me?" Lily asked perplexed.

"You are Lily of course?" it was not completely a question , more of an unquestionable authority.

"Yes" she replied shortly , her fire-headed temper heating her brain.

"How could I not know you after all these years!" the lovely woman screeched laughing , turning on her plum heels to glare at her scarlet son "why haven't I met her after all these years?" she asked him , clearly annoyed.

With the force a mighty god would have been proud of, Lily hauled herself off the tiles, then stood and blinked. _That woman has mood swings stronger than a pregnant man_, she thought then hastily added in her thoughts , _I speculate_.

"Mum….." James whined .

Sirius , having been ignored for the past interactions , felt the need to add

" Yes mumsies dear , I can't let Tiger-Lily , know my deepest secret (that has been circling in social circles , so is not _really _a secret). The secret that has captiva-"

Suddenly Sirius found himself meeting James good acquaintance conveniently attached to his arm, Mister Fist-y (pronounced 'feisty' for those un vulnerable to this inescapable wit.)

"JAMMY!" Mr. Potter screamed outraged.

"Dad?"

Mrs. Potter carelessly took her pocketed wand and waved it in front of her almost-adoptive son's 'gorgeous' nose (now resembling a pile of red fruit cake your grandmother sat on ) and muttered simple healing charms. His nose was restored.

"No need to fuss….." she trailed off , now looking at a smiling Lily curiously.

"Oh thank Merlin!" Sirius kneeled and crawled to Mrs. Potters' plum dress hem ," Bless You ! May the wise wizards of time look down upon you in admiration…" he quickly let go of her dress hem at a ferocious glare , from behind her , Mr. Potter blew her a hidden kiss.

Lily almost puked , no , she could feel the bile climbing up her throat, luckily keeping it down with sheer force of will.

Sirius turned on James , punching him in between the eyes

"OW, OW, OWWWWWWWWWWW!" James screamed grappling his glasses and nose .

Then hurled himself on the handsome teenager wearing the arrogant smirk.

While the monkeys battled and babbled , The Potters turned to the examination of a certain Lily Evans.

"So….." Mr. Potter began

"My name is Harriet, pleased to meet you" Mrs. Potter stated , grabbing Lily's face and planting confident kisses on each rosy cheek.

"She smells good" she addressed her husband after releasing Lily.

"That's good" he replied mischievously , rubbing his palms together.

For the first time Lily noticed his maroon eyes, chocolate , even , James eyes.

"Erm….thanks?" Lily said "I'm glad I met you" she added compulsively , smiling unconfidently.

"Us too dear, It's been terribly dismal, not knowing you I mean…" Mrs. Potter said

Mr. Potter nodded vigorously , "We could never join in conversations , always Evans this , Lily that , annoying really ,even Sirius got tired of it , now that's an accomplishment , getting on ol'Sirius-ly's nerves , I think I'll give James an award" He tapped his chin thoughtfully.

Lily laughed , "Certainly is , something of a record , I would venture to sayyou should pay him a small fortune just to do it again" she chuckled .

" A sense of humor present too" Mrs. Potter said quietly , looking Lily over "this one's not so bad" she added with a friendly smile .

"Excuse me " Mr. Potter said suddenly .

"Where is he…." Lily started to say , then laughed when she saw that he was calling James over and taking out his wallet.

Her gaze swept over the platform , still no parents .

" Mrs. Potter…." She said cautiously "I must go , my parents….." she trailed off , looking pathetically about at the abandoned platform " I have to go home , they will be worried.

"S'awright dearie , I'll call Jammy so you two can say g'bye , it was a pleasure" she said kissing her cheek amiably looking into her eyes. She had merry eyes, blue , their gleam so familiar to her sons'.

Lily looked down to her grimy toe, it was poking out of her ancient shoe ,mocking in their sheer disgusting appearance to the comfy plum heel , _how ironically superficial_ , she thought.

After an awkward two minutes of embarrassing chatter, and an incredulously fake hug (okay so it was a guilt hug but , whose keeping record?), she ruffled his jet-black hair so un-like his mother's and turned to run through the barrier.

Echoes of the retreating scarlet engine and the

"G'bye Lily-kins!"

"Take Care DARLING!"

"Don't forget to Floo!"

"Next year's a new year Eva-Lily!"

Chased her through the barrier.

…

_Petunia threw a fit again,_ she fumed _it's the only way._

_She's thrown fits before,_ her ever-rational portion of mind argued.

_Well it doesn't matter because it bloody well stopped them now!_

She stomped her foot causing a few glances to take her into consideration , muttering to herself , red-faced and ….was that an OWL!

Lily finally realized that Magnolia (her midnight black owl ) was becoming quite agitated in her conjured silver cage , and that she was attracting un-helping attention.

_Stupid prat_ she returned her thoughts to her deranged sister.

_Mum and Dad must think I can go home alone_ she thought logically, _who am I to prove them wrong?_

Lily pushed at the clear glass doors framing the exit of Kings Cross , more than a little worried with her reasoning. Hauling the trolley she had sneakily stolen from under the conductor's perturbing nose, she crossed the wide London street. The blindingly rouge bus stop was relatively empty , with the exception of two elderly tourists completely oblivious to their location , they were furiously arguing over an almost monumental-sized map of London , which Lily thanked , because they barely spared her a glance over the peaked edge .

When the similarly inflamed double -decker bus tardily arrived , Lily let out a frustrated-relived sort-of sigh , her nerves seemed to be wrapping around her spinal cord, causing her to walk like she had a pole stuck up her ass. The driver didn't feel any amiable feelings towards Lily , because , when she had regretfully let her stolen trolley go , the driver had felt the need to appear in it's way , sadly crushing his pinky toe to a pulp. When she had managed to get Magnolia and her trunk in the bus ( she was by no chance receiving any help from the vengeful driver) the man had huffed and ignored her , which was therefore a good omen for her since he ignored she had to pay a bus-fare as well.

She sat and shifted her feet, then tapped them , crossed and uncrossed her arms, finally deciding to leave them lifelessly hanging, only to start humming a Kinks song she didn't know the words to. She was nervous, beyond nervous , it surpassed paranoia to the point of frenzy . Lily had a nagging feeling something was wrong , terribly faulty. Furthermore there was a nastily bitter taste in the back of her throat , she thought perhaps it was the aftereffects of nearly hurling at the loving attitude the Potter's showed , but she realized that it had been there since the morning. Her chest felt heavy , as if a couple of frogs had determined to make it their permanent home. She drew a ragged breath , realizing with awe that she'd been crying , and that she'd failed miserably in keeping all attention from herself. What a picture she made, a humming , flame-haired teenager hysterically crying and twitching.

Although it brought no comfort , she sighed when she saw the familiar cottages of Little Whinging, somehow she'd thought the double-decker would never make it to Surrey. Lily got off with a energy-lacking hop and tripped , much to the amusement of the vengeful driver and the annoyance of Magnolia , whom flapped her wings inside her cage ferociously. She'd have to walk a couple of blocks to arrive at her second home ( Hogwarts was her first) safely , but Lily didn't mind. She hurriedly rushed past the new constructions where her demented sister and fiancé had purchased a gleaming home (not built yet) , landing her on the front pavement of her first home.

…

Lily loved her home , in her opinion ( which was indubitably the only one that mattered ) it was the most distinctly stereotypical English cottage ever constructed, down to the English herb garden and the white iron patio furniture(she was convinced her parents had made it so that a witch would never have seemed to habituate there). When she looked at her glistening oak door , she felt home , though she also found that her paranoia had been justified , for the gleaming oak door was splinters.

Lily was sure she felt her trunk and cage slip her grasp , though she did nothing about it then , while she walked the path to her home. A thick dark air created a barrier at the doorway , making her already shaky footsteps falter a bit .She continued.

Something stained her mother's peach walls , while she did know what the crimson liquid was , she refused to accept it , she felt that if she did , no force in magic or nature could control her bile. The stench was almost infuriating in it's intensity , Lily was disgusted. She questioned her rationale , coming into a home obviously vandalized, but it never went past questioning , her footsteps didn't cease. The hallway was narrow, narrower than she recalled , and ended in a minute white door . She almost laughed at the obvious dramatics , but she didn't , couldn't. They were there , behind the small white door, she could tell by the increasing amount of crimson and scorch marks on the peach walls even though she could not tell whom 'they' were.

Lily stopped just in front of the door , so close her nose brushed against the painted wood , perhaps because she wanted to check if there was any sounds , radiating heat maybe, she knew better though. She was a Gryffindor , so was no coward, but Lily was deathly terrified , and that was no small feat.

The golden handle was the coldest thing she had ever laid a hand on , she wondered to herself if she was imagining it , and could not honestly give an answer. Lily stood , erect , in front of the white door with the ornate frozen handle, waiting for sound. Perhaps a whiff of a song her mother used to murmur in her ear before sleep conquered her. Nothing came. Waiting for smell. Perhaps a small inhale of her father's thick gray blue smoke whom he hated and adored simultaneously . So she stood , for many long moments knowing all and feeling none . In the cellar of her num air , she knew what happened , she was unfortunately no fool, the green glow that escaped the crack of the white door was too disturbing to ignore completely. But , she was num and her feet rooted, while her mind wandered carelessly.

Lily grasped the frigid handle , and felt the sting enrapture her long crooked fingers, then turned it. When she opened the door , she saw what she needed. Lily saw the dark mark , it's green glow , omnipresent evil, she felt it wrap her in it's putrid air, it's hatred. How well it did it's job , her mind commented. Lily felt a sliver of fear pierce through the num fog .

She did not need to see her mum's dear old face and distorted body to know it was there, laying ,waiting. She did not need to see the pipe that lay by a charred mound that should have been closer to her father's shoulders, to know that she would never smell his sweet and tangy scent again.

She closed the door carefully , un-disturbing, then crookedly made her way to the front of the hallway and sat on the bottom step, watching with meek interest as her entrails escaped her mouth. After the retching sounds slipped away as if they never existed , the homely-no-longer cottage was filled from attic to cellar in an eerie silence.

Which was disturbed only by the creaking of Lily's favorite step.

"Somehow I knew you would come , Ms.Evans"

**AN: OOOOOOOOO cliffie , hehehehehe, I am evil-one-kanobe, wow that was soooooo corny , oh poo , how ever shall I live? Well, don't murder me faithful readers (hahahaha , I only have like two that abandoned me after I failed to update) I promise to kill your curiositys (yes I know I spelled that wrong) soon enough, snorts **

**Ciao! (oh by the way , reviews are acceptable , and anyone that can enlighten me on the term 'beta' is welcome to)**

**your loveable,**

**Evil-One-Kanobe**


	4. A Word with the Wise

**A Word with the Wise**

The step had an indentation in it's center , the cause of the noise, they were old staircases , the creaking was to be expected. Perhaps the man in the long blue robes and pointed hat whom calmly stepped down the steep stairs was not a very familiar figure in Little Whinging. He was familiar to Lily , however. One of his spindly hands clutched the hem of his robes to prevent himself from tripping and cracking his ancient bones , but his gaze never left her.

"Ms. Evans …. Lily …. Please , stand up , the floor…it's covered with…with…"

" Blood" she replied blankly

"….yes" he said meekly.

The pathetic quality of the statement made her raise her head. She was greeted by thin arms wrapping her and pulling her up with surprising strength , and the most sympathetic expression her eyes had ever had the pleasure of witnessing , she had trouble registering that it was meant for her. The patented half-moon spectacles, lengthy white beard and unusually reserved blue eyes were probably what most scared her.

Dumbledore , that name in it's self inspired security , seeing the wizard version of Superman barely containing his tears in her hallway scared her more than Voldemort ever could. But nothing could really affect her much, today , she had seen a fair amount of disturbing images , even if Dumbledore crying was leaving a twinge in her mind.

"I'm so sorry Lily , I know there is not much these words can do , but , I am sorry"

She said nothing , what would she say? No , better to be num and dull , she told herself , all talking would do was bring out tears and a finality to the situation she was not willing to admit.

Dumbledore sighed , dropping his arms and walking past Lily into the corridor. Lily heard him gasp and close a door , she had a good guess which. When he returned to her side , she was in the same position , while her eyes had a glazed look of a junkie .

He seized her arm and dragged her into the kitchen , only to turn back in disgust at the ghastly sight. Dumbledore looked at Lily worriedly , her expression unchanged . Glazed , as if frozen in place centuries ago. He sighed again , now pulling the young rock up the staircases in to her room .

He blew a relieved breath as he entered the room , it was in order , if not orderly. He took off his hat and perched it on the wooden vanity , letting go of Lily's arm . He felt the floor squeak and grind as he walked to the other side of the room , looking out the clear window. Nothing , no police cars or ambulances , in fact , there was naught but a disorderly bunch of kids playing in the street bellow . The irony was startling, had they heard nothing? Did they not see anything at all? But ,he knew , these people , too preoccupied with the labors of the gossip from beyond the fence, saw what they chose to see.

Dumbledore backed from the window , turning his attentions to the heartbroken teenager. He was startled by the sight that gazed back at him. There stood , in mid-room an erect and shaking Lily , her fists were clenched in what he could only perceive as rage. Her head was facing down and he could see from the stains on the floor that she was crying.

Lily raised her head, while letting loose a manic screech of anguish and solitude that jerked the foundations of her being. She ran to the opposite side of the room , while Dumbledore performed a silencing charm on the house. Lily , with the rapid movements of a fish with a shark on it's tail , produced a wand from her pocket. She stopped for a moment , looking at it as if in an alien manner , then chucked it over her shoulder , pouncing on her bed and throwing the pillows . After a few short moments of digging , she let out a chocked cry of glee, while producing a knife from the last batch of pillows.

To say that it was menacing would be an understatement of monumental proportions.

Lily scanned the room with giddy eyes , searching , ready to attack . Her eyes grazed past a frozen Dumbledore with a less than eager interest , but as they landed on her bookshelf , they danced . She jumped from the bed , sprinting in three strides to the humongous bookshelf . Her forefinger scanned the tittles , her breath coming in labored gasps. They landed on a title, and she nearly ripped it off the shelf. Then , she threw it onto the floor , and returned her attentions to the bookshelf. Dumbledore watched as Lily repeated the process once and once again.

Finally, she threw the last book onto the pile and knelt beside it . The knife was held high in her palm and with the other palm , she dragged a title towards her range. He watched as the knife came down upon the book again and again. She did this to all the books , until what lay by her knees was a mere pile of spines and paper.

Lily dropped the knife as she stood, not even sparing it a glance. She muttered a spell , watching as the pile was levitated out of the room. Lily stopped outside a double door , opening it , then stepping inside , with the pile and a curious Dumbledore behind. She lit the fireplace , let the flames wash her parent's bedroom with a warm glow . She took the levitating pile into her arms , knelt by the fireplace and shoved it in. She watched with silent tears as the flames consumed the last memories of her parents.

…

"Dumbledore" she stated

"Hmm?" he answered quietly

She nodded , merely making sure he was still with her.

Her legs felt cramped , her cheeks seemed caked with salt , and her jeans were stained with blood, she noted with repulsion.

"Where.." her voice cracked " where is my …my …s-sister?"

" She is not here"

"I know that!" she snapped

" excuse me , what I meant to say was that she was not here when the …..ah…um… incident occurred"

"oh" she said meekly "Oh!" she then exclaimed, breathing out a sigh of relief.

"She is fine then?"

" Yes" Dumbledore said briskly.

There was a small silence , in which Lily wondered at Dumbledore's reserved tone.

" Can I go see her?" she asked eagerly

"No"

" good, I'm sure she will be terribly worried….what?" she asked incredulously.

"No" he repeated , returning her gaze with an emotionless one.

"Why Not?"

"Because"

"WHY NOT?" she screamed hysterically.

"Because you cannot" he said sympathetically.

" I can and WILL, what gives you the right to tell me what I can or cannot do?"

" Your sister does not wish to see you" he said quietly

"what?" she whispered.

" She says she wants nothing to do with you , Lily , I'm sorry"

Suddenly she laughed , a sharp edge stinging his ears. " You'd think that after …this… she would change her opinion of me … but , it is still unwavering"

She cried, there were very little things she did that day without crying , whether consciously or no , only she knew.

After clearing the house of her belongings and keepsakes , Lily felt lost. She felt more a grave robber than orphan, she'd never felt such a stranger in her own home , it was now cold and unrecognizable, if she had not donned on a jumper she would have shivered.

Lily hadn't stepped close to the door since her first encounter, so she asked Dumbledore to fetch her father's pipe for her, he did so , crookedly , but willingly. When he closed the door behind him with her request in his hands , she noted that there were tear streaks on his withered cheeks and that he looked exhausted , then wondered , if Dumbledore looked like he did , what kind of nightmarish creature she resembled. Though the thought barely lasted before the events replayed themselves in her mind.

" I wonder if I will ever be able to return" she thought out loud.

" I sincerely doubt it" Dumbledore said wearily .

" Why?"

" Because what blackens it's walls is not filth , but the hateful and ghastly event that happened here" he sighed " never again shall it have it's initial gleam"

" What will happen to my parents?" she asked signaling the door.

" I suspect the Ministry will have this cleaned up after we are gone , the bodies will be given to your sister, whom asked for them"

Lily twitched at the mention of the bodies, then nodded , his brisk and business-like tone disturbing the num aura she'd developed.

"Ms. Evans , we must leave" he stated finally, handing her the clean pipe.

She thought it ironic the object had come out of the ordeal unharmed , but said nothing and nodded.

She laughed humorlessly " I've already packed" she said , pointing through the smithereens that was once her front door , in to the front yard where her discarded trunk and cage lay. She noted sadly that the cage was open and lay empty , Magnolia , it seemed , in a fit of rage , had flown into freedom.

Once in the front yard , Lily noticed that it was dark , _how strange_ she thought _was it not light but mere minutes ago? How long did I sit in front of those flames?_ As instinct would tell her , she looked up to the window , where she saw the weak glow of the dying fire.

"Where will we go?" she asked.

"My office , I believe Poppy may have something for you as well as for me , I fancy a calming tea , don't you?"

" Not particularly , no" she replied tonelessly .

"Well, then you'll be drinking it nevertheless" he said briskly " we must chat a bit "

" Will I be staying at Hogwarts then?" she said in monotone.

" Oh dear Merlin, no!" he said quickly.

She was startled by the abruptness of his answer.

" I believe I can make arrangements with a family…" he mused.

" Please, don-"

"Don't be silly Miss Evans , I must!" he said dismissing her arguments with a wave of his hand , while tapping his chin.

"Are we going?" she prompted impatiently.

" Going?" then remembering "Oh! Yes , of course".

…

The unfamiliar feeling of apparating had but made a dent in Lily's impenetrable glum , for she had held onto his thinning arm a bit tighter. She looked up from her position next to Dumbledore to find herself in front of familiar iron gates. Lily then felt ashamed and stupid for having thought they could've just apparated inside his office , it was an impossible task , she knew this , in some vague fogged part of her mind.

Lily felt Dumbledore gently shake her arm off , as if scared of her reaction , she didn't notice much. She watched with glazed eyes as Dumbledore performed a Patronus charm in the form of a phoenix , that flew off into the damp fog of Hogwarts. Them she noticed , fog , why was there fog?

" Sir , I haven't seen Hogwarts in such a fog in summer , what's causing it ?"

" I see you are still observant as ever Ms .Evans" she heard a deep voice reply , from beyond the fence

" Ah, Horace old boy , I thought you wouldn't see it" Dumbledore said with a smile.

" I wouldn't have" the toad-walrus morph replied with a dramatic sigh "but I was watching for it , it's not everyday one of my favorite student becomes an orphan" he said in a whisper , or what he thought of as a whisper.

" In answer to your question , Ms. Evans , the Dementors are causing this insufferable fog" Dumbledore said gravely.

" Yes , such gloom it causes" Horace Slughorn replied , looking to the starless skies in an over extravagant manner "Come , come , we must hurry inside , Poppy will have a fit"

The more-than-plump man opened the gates with much effort , letting them both in. A few short paces and Lily was startled again by not noticing her surroundings, she was in front of one of the black horseless carriages , while Dumbledore motioned her to go inside . The journey was made in silence , Horace kept trying to start 'meaningful' conversations with the monotone girl , only to find scolding looks thrown his way by Dumbledore.

The trio got out , Dumbledore levitating Lily's luggage while Horace led her to the Hospital wing . A severe looking woman awaited them , her foot tapping , while her self portrait behind her gave them apologetic glances.

" Where have you been Horace?" she nearly shouted .

" They took longer than I expected , Poppy" the man stuttered .

" Five minutes! Five minutes is what you said , boy" she scolded

" Boy!" Horace suddenly became very red " I could be your uncle!"

"Ahh , but you are not , and you are late and Irresponsible!" she screeched " You would think a professor would be able to give me a correct time range!" she addressed her portrait , whom had suddenly become very severe-looking and was nodding ecstatically.

Finally , while the over-plump man rubbed at his cheeks , the nurse turned on Lily.

Her whole body posture changed , her face softened , her stride less determined , less forceful, the pity nearly radiated.

" How are you dearie?" her voice had changed as well.

_How do you bloody think I am_ she felt the need to reply , could not , but the need was great.

" Alive" was all she was able to mutter.

The nurse nodded , then smiled kindly , " I have just the thing for you" she smiled again , wider.

The whole effect was a bit strange , the woman had made Horace Slughorn nearly soil his trousers and here she was , a middle aged nurse , simply being a nurse . _Quite strange_, Lily thought then , very suddenly , she had her first mildly amusing thought that evening, _perhaps the woman is menopausal _.

Lily nearly chuckled , she didn't but it was close.

" No cheering charms , Poppy" Dumbledore said , entering the hospital wing "I merely had one of those celestial herbal teas in mind"

"Oh" Madam Pomfrey looked ready to say 'poo' to finish the phrase , her face wilted , Lily realized she was a very expressive woman.

"Come Ms. Evans , Poppy will bring the tea up shortly" Dumbledore said , beckoning her to follow him .

Before they were completely out of range , they heard Poppy take up another scolding

"…where are the pumpkin pastries I paid for Horace?"

"Well…..um … you see …there were some crystallized pineapple treats….."

"WHAT? You irresponsible , thieving , toerag!"

" Poppy!"

…

" Here you are , dearie"

"Thank you Madam Pomfrey" Lily gave a reluctant , polite , almost sickening smile. The woman returned it , then said

"Call me Poppy" as she put down a steaming china cup in front of Dumbledore.

"Thank you Poppy , this tea brews miracles for my calves" he said, his eyes twinkling.

Madam Pomfrey laughed merrily , apparently it was some sort of inside joke

" yes , sure does" Poppy said , her hand on the door handle .

" I'll be seeing you during the school year…Lily"

" Hopefully not too soon Poppy" she replied good naturedly

She closed the door with one last laugh.

Lily stood , putting her pretty china on the intimidating bureau before her , then walked to the metal perch where a peaceful phoenix slept.

"Hullo Fawkes" she murmured , petting his fire-feathered head " 's been too long mate"

" Too true , Ms. Evans" Dumbledore said with a smile " Please sit , I find these chairs quite comfortable for lamenting"

Without a word , she strode to the chair , and landed with a 'ploof '

" Now drink " he said , pushing the cup towards her

" No, thank you"

"Please" he said with a slightly more commanding tone.

The slight indentations he felt on the back of her hung head were something she could do without, so she gave in .

"Oh, fine!" she said in a slightly annoyed huff.

"Ancient bugger" she whispered to herself , while taking a sip of her steaming tea.

Dumbledore smiled , giving her the minor creepy impression that he had heard the insult.

Then his expression grew grave, which was strange , for he still held the frilly china cup , and his cheeks were flushed from the heat.

" Ms. Evans-"

She stopped him , holding up her palm "Please sir , I mean no disrespect , but I have no need for elongated speeches , or comfort . Nothing can , or will make me feel 'fine' , not a pleasant cup of tea nor a comfortable chair"

"Perhaps a good cry"

She looked at him

" Alright then , I'll say nothing "

" I appreciate that sir"

She took a sip of her tea , it was very rejuvenating.

" Good tea" she commented.

Dumbledore smiled

" Yes" he said simply.

She , with the passing of minutes , became very uncomfortable . Lily found herself moving unnecessarily in her chair just to hear it 'ploof' , she also realized that she had an almost insatiable urge to explode in sobs . She understood that Dumbledore would say nothing , probably do nothing , except pat her back in a comforting manner. This is perhaps why she found the urge so irresistible, because she could do it , and would not be penalized for it.

" Did you know them sir?"

"Yes" he breathed

"How?"

" They asked for a few audiences….. they were very worried about you , especially Lauren "

Lily chucked "Yes, mum would've been"

" Your father was calming her half the time"

"He would have been doing that" she agreed.

" They were lovely people"

"Lovely" she repeated nodding " they were that"

Dumbledore stood came behind her and patted her back in a comforting manner

" I wont forget them" she whispered as if asking .

" No , you wont" he stated.

…

After Lily had donned on a jumper , she and Dumbledore wove their way through Hogwarts' grounds , waving a last farewell to Hagrid.

" Sir?"

" Yes, Ms. Evans?"

"May I inquire to your …um…attire?"

"Of course you may" he replied cheerily.

"um.. why are you wearing it sir?"

"Well…" he looked puzzled for a moment , then said " we are taking a muggle _bus _, I believe it is called"

" Really? Is it not possible to apparate to wherever it is we are going?"

" Oh it is , this is just a precaution" he replied , seemingly enjoying himself.

They reached the outskirts of Hogsmeade breathing regularly and walking cautiously, then stopping under a brilliantly red Bus Stop. Their arrival was swiftly followed by a discolored bus , Lily suspected this had a lot to do with the wand Dumbledore had clutched behind his back.

As they stepped inside , the driver raised skeptical brows at Dumbledore's prune-colored suit and supporting gleaming platforms and completely ignored Lily. She wondered if this was his goal after all.

Dumbledore distracted the man as he paid for two tickets , inquiring politely about the ending stop. He asked the man to inform him when they came upon it , then hauled Lily's luggage into the bus.

When Dumbledore came upon Lily in the last of the seats in the empty bus , he sat beside her with a sigh and an "A Last!"

So it was her second bus ride that day.

…

" THIS IS IT!" the driver screeched in an unpleasant voice .

Lily nudged Dumbledore and he awoke startled .

" Well , thank you ! Best be off then !" he said rubbing his eyes and curiously the man's view of Lily as she got off the bus with her trunk.

The street was dark and almost incredibly gloomy, the only thing illuminated was a dirty little sign up the road reading ' The Shabby Shack'.

"Come" Dumbledore whispered , looking about him in quiet vigilance , then leading her to the dingy pub.

Lily followed, trying to drag her belongings as quietly as possible.

They stepped inside , it was just as she imagined , murky , demented and filthy.

What she did not expect however was the ghostly white woman behind the counter….ghostly white? She was a ghost!

"Dumby!"

"Sam" he replied warmly " I suspect you received my owl?"

" OOOO, yes luv" she boomed , clapping her transparent hands.

" Follow me !" she screeched

Dumbledore smiled encouragingly , then turned to Lily and grabbed her trunk.

They followed the amiable ghost through a series of colored (dirty) doors , finally arriving in front of a black handle-less one. The ghost stood back , smiling widely and creepily, Lily did a double take at the door , hesitant to follow Dumbledore in , simultaneously wondering at his choice of friends, then stepped inside.

In it , they found a particularly warm fire burning , in a chimney the size of Hagrid , the only other object inside the room , was a tiny wooden rocking chair that seemed like it predated Merlin.

Dumbledore turned to Lily and said, "This is what you must do" he took out a small pouch from a non-existent pocket "you are going to use floo powder , have you used it before?"

Lily nodded.

" When you grab a handful and step into the fire , say nothing" Lily raised an eyebrow "Nothing" he repeated.

" This chimney is only connected to one place , the one I want you to spend the rest of the summer in " he smiled " Now don't fuss , I have made arrangements , though I am saddened to say I cannot accompany you" he frowned .

Lily was more than a bit disheartened by the news, Dumbledore saw.

" Good bye , Ms. Evans. It is my sincere hope that you can recover some normality in your life. I'll be seeing you the first of September" he kissed her brow and put the pouch in her hands .

"Now" he whispered.

He watched with a satisfied nod as her body was consumed in blue flames.

…

When she arrived ,( wherever that was) she wished, as she threw herself on the first piece of furniture she found, for a small hole in the earth , just for a little while.


	5. And Days, Like Dust , Fly by Unnoticed

**And Days, Like Dust , Fly by Unnoticed **

**AN:**

**Hello faithful readers! I am back! Surprisingly, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth!disappointed groans Fine! be that way! author huffs and flips hair , smacking her eye Damn! That hurt! OWOW! Well sniffle sniffle here's the freakin story sniffle _I can't believe I'm blind now!_**

"Something's the matter"

"mmm _lily_"

" Wake up" he flipped his hair , it was starting to poke the corner of his eye.

" hehehehahahah , _lils_ , that tickles!"

" Oh Merlin!"

"oooooo ah!"

" Prongs , please! Before you wet yourself!" he hissed into his ear "or otherwise"

"Wazizrongwithu?"

James pulled his covers closer to his face in fruitless attempt to hide his face.

"Mum?" he whispered , mortified.

" Relax Prongs"

"Sirius!"

"No!" he said flinging both hands through his hair " I'm a bloody sexual offender"

"Well, I already knew that" James muttered

" That was once! And you promised never to speak of it again!" Sirius dove to cover James mouth with his palm, then looked around for spies.

Sirius sighed , " Never again , Prongs" he warned , letting his palm drop , and flinging his hair out of his eyes .

" Sure , Padfoot" he smirked " Never , until future reference"

Just as Sirius was reaching for his wand , he said "Why'd you wake me up?" then , looking at the ancient clock on the wall added " at 3 in the bloody morning"

"I heard Harriet running downstairs and crying her eyes out on the way back , she's been with Jonathan ever since"

" Really?" James stood , tapping his chin " That's very unusual" he couldn't help his worried tone.

"Scourify!" Sirius said , pointing at James's pants "sorry mate, the stain was a bit disturbing.

James waved his hand dismissively , running the other through his hair "My cloak?" he said.

" You know it , Prongs"

…

"That's my foot , Sirius"

" Bloody hell! Couldn't you have said something?" he huffed , irritated.

" You kept shushing me!" he whined.

" Fuck it!" he hissed " do you bloody think your bloody parents aren't going to hear your bloody tantrum?"

" Perhaps… but they probably heard yours"

As if in answer , the door they were pressed against started opening slightly, and a light shone through. The invisible males backed from it , into the crook of the stairs and through the bars watched as Jonathan Potter looked around with a floating candle.

" See Harri , nothing" he called behind him " they can't come in here"

He let the door hang open , for reassurance. The boys crept up quietly into the light.

Harriet lay crumpled in a small Louis 16th sofa , her arm dramatically draped over her eyes, her body shook with silent sobs.

Jonathan walked towards her with a steaming cup James thought to be tea .

"Here" Mr. Potter whispered.

"Thanks John" she wiped her face , before taking a sip. Her contour changed , color returned , and she sat up.

" Pepper-up potion" Mr. Potter stated to no one in particular.

"Can you believe it?" Harriet said softly , taking another sip.

"Yes , these days , I believe everything"

" How can you be so calm ?" she hissed " they deserved to live John!"

" Who doesn't?" he asked cryptically.

" Those bastards , John!" she yelled , throwing her cup to the carpeted floor " They deserve nothing!"

"True" he sighed " but we can do nothing about it"

" We can!" she stated passionately " we can help that girl!"

Jonathan smiled , a small , tight , barely visible smile of pride as he glanced at his wife.

"Of course , Harri"

" That poor girl, John" her eyes filled with tears " what must she be feeling? Alone?"

He sighed again, " I can't imagine" then more forcefully " but we can try to understand"

She nodded , tears slipping down her cheeks " What will we do , John?...I mean …if" she sniffed "if …_that _happens to us?" the last of it was let out in a terrified whisper.

" Come here" Jonathan said , opening his arms. " Harri," he began " That is something , we cannot prevent" he smiled , somewhat proudly " but , we can be sure that we've left James and Sirius well prepared, they are proud , Harri , but well- raised , if I do complement ourselves" he kissed her brow.

"We should sleep" he said.

Nodding , she said " Tough day tomorrow"

" yeah…"

…

Both invisible males hid behind the stair banister as the Potters slid into their bedroom.

Shock brewed behind their hidden faces, another attack , this time , on someone they knew. They weren't so shocked at the news but more the change it implied . No longer did the war not imply them. Sure , they'd joked on joining the fight , the greatest aurors this century , they'd said. How quaint. How ridiculously ignorant.

James ranked his brain , and realized , nothing much had changed , they'd always been involved , however they ignored it. Perhaps them most of all. Sirius's family was in no doubt incorporated to their ignorant behavior , James encouraging , so as not to hurt his mate. The Potters were involved, James remembered a night in the winter vacation when he'd been at home. His father had paced for hours in front of the fireplace. A worried frown placed on his face. It was only replaced by a relieved sigh when a white and shaking Harriet had collapsed through green flames and into his awaiting arms. A few minutes after , a tight-lipped Dumbledore strode through the flames as well. He spoke to them in hushed tones and raised his head to collide gazes with James.

" This is no place for you young Mister Potter , go to sleep" .

He'd only lingered long enough to receive a glare from his father , then headed to his room to recount the events with a curious Sirius.

"Padfoot?"

"yeah?"

"I'm not going to sleep just yet"

"Fine" he said , shrugging off the invisibility cloak.

" 'Night , then Padfoot"

" 'Night" he said , waving .

" Yes , I'm fine , no , no emotional scarring , yes your fuchsia pajamas disgust me, thanks for asking" James muttered , descending the stairs.

He planned on stopping in the kitchen for a cup of Earl Grey , then a chocolate moose , that always helped. Damn his feminine ways , he couldn't help them , any more than Peter could help pissing in his pants whenever Padfoot bent over.

While creeping skillfully past the first of the Potter galleries , he stopped. He'd be dammed if he crept in his own house!

…

He _was_ dammed , cursed even, those bloody paintings had it against him. If he wasn't sure that in some part of their painted hearts they harbored love for him , he'd bet they'd rallied all in one painting just to make him jump thirty feet squealing like a pig. James had just barely managed to silence them , promising more normal visiting hours.

There he was , creeping once more , when a thought stopped him. Why had they all rallied in front of the parlor entrance painting? Why'd they yelled 'cease your passage you wreck of a Potter!'? What was in the living room?

Quickly he threw himself onto the wooden floor, nearly damaging his shin beyond repair.

_Owie!ow ow ow ow ow ow! _He thought, crawling back to the portrait.

He breathed , the murderous Potter ancestors had returned to their portrait , leaving the landscape of the ancient Potter Manor deserted. James smirked, _too easy_, he thought.

He was right , as usual , for his father's deceased Doberman Pinscher named Dragon ( in accordance with his size) started barking at his crouching form . Once again , he jumped thirty feet and squealed like Sirius's baby cousin. James made a mad dash into the parlor , closing the door behind him , panting.

" Dammed Dog never liked me" he chuckled " Especially after I neutered it" he laughed "bloody beginner spells"

he was slapping his thigh with barely controlled mirth , when he realized he wasn't alone. How did he realize that? There was a wand digging into his family jewels.

"If you don't tell me what you are doing here , I'll castrate you" a vehement voice hissed.

" I live here" he said softly "Lily?"

" Who- James?"

She dropped her wand , "I'm sorry" she stammered.

" What are you doing here?" he said picking the wand from his feet.

" Um…Dumbledore" she answered evasively , looking over her shoulder to the fireplace. He realized all her bags were scattered in front of the disappearing fire.

He reached up and grabbed her chin , making her face him, " What happened?"

Lily's eyes filled with tears , and she shook her head out of his grip , turning her back on him , she whispered " My parents…."she walked to the fireplace.

"It's aright , I'll go back to the Shabby Shack tonight and I'll report to Dumbledore tomorrow" her tone was clipped , she had a severe case of the hiccoughs.

" No" James said quietly " Dumbledore said you'd stay here, so here you will stay" he grabbed her trunk and headed out of the room.

" Come on" he said at the doorway.

She followed him unquestioningly. She was very still and silent , almost clueless. At one point she'd dropped her pack mid-way up the stairs and did not even notice the lessened weight of her shoulder. James had gone back to get it once they'd reached the top of the stair way, telling Lily to go on ahead , that her room was to the right. She'd gone left. He ran after her , grabbing her fore arm , ready to reprimand , when he noticed she wasn't paying attention. He sighed and dragged her to the right , along with her pack on his shoulder and her trunk dragging behind.

When they reached her room , he practically pushed her inside , because somehow , she'd stopped walking. He said , "This is your room Lily , hope you approve" feeling cold and prudish , he kissed her lightly on her cheek. This somewhat shook her of her reverie , though only enough so she was able to close the door slowly and softly in his face.

…

" Sirius , you sleeping?" James called from the door.

" Yes" came a dry reply.

"Seriously"

" I am Siriu-" James huffed " Fine , fine , but didn't you hear me snoring?"

James glared at him from the foot of his bed. "I'm up , Prongs" he said earnestly " What's going on?"

" I-" he paused , took a steadying breath and said " I know who's the 'poor girl' my mum was talking about"

" Who?" Sirius asked somewhat reluctantly , running a hand through his hair.

" Lily, her parents were murdered"

"That's bad" Sirius shook his head.

"Once again , Padfoot , you've proven your immaculate talent in stating the obvious" James said bitterly.

" No need to take all that sensitivity you are overflowing with out on me mate, I am simply shocked" he said waving his hand at him.

James nodded , and seated himself beside his still-packed trunk on the floor, he put his face in his hands.

With a sigh , Sirius was beside him, " You feel guilty" he stated.

" When don't I?"

" Good question" he shook his hair out of his eyes " But this guilt-trip is pointless"

" No , it's not" James argued " I could've done something"

Sirius snorted "Like what , mate?"

"Dunno" then after a couple moments silence he said " I could've… gone home with her or something , maybe just saved her from seeing all ….that"

" Doubt it , Prongs , she probably would've hexed what little brain you have to a pulp"

he joked

"True"

With a forced snicker, both boys were back in their beds.

"Padfoot…"

"We'll see what we can do tomorrow, Prongs"

" Go to sleep"

…

It was a silent month. Most of the household held it up for Lily's sake , and for respect of her parents. She didn't do much , barely shed a tear , so much as they could see. Sometimes she would trap herself inside her guest room , biting the heads of the ancient house elves that lingered behind her door for mere concern. On some days , she would creep out of the house very early in the morning , careful not to wake anyone , into the gardens. They were extensive and scattered in them , dozens of secret passages , so they'd given up all hope of finding her , that first day. But , those days , she would always creep back inside before the clocks chimed eleven, and crawl back into her dim room.

The tension aura that surrounded them all was thick as a month-old pastry. Several times , Sirius tried slicing it with his hunting knife , to no avail , much to his dismay. They started to fidget and twitch, too long , laughing almost seemed outlawed , the way they glared at one another whenever one traitor would crack a joke or smile. The members of the Potter family even went so far as dumping their resident merriment (Sirius) in a river close to their home and praying over the whicker basket for his safe escape. The plan failed miserably. Sirius had shown up a handful hours later with a wide smile , some fish , gillyweed, and a new phrase he would screech at Lily's window every couple minutes.

" LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

" Sirius , you toe wart! Get your arse back inside!"

" Oh but mum, look what she's done to you all!"

" She's morning and has done nothing to us!" a snort from Mister Dramatics " besides , you are no son of mine!"

" Oh , come on Jonathan …"

" It's Mr. Potter to you, Toe Wart!"

…

The household owed the end grief to an under-appreciated Roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding.

The family was eating a quiet meal, silent would be a more accurate term. The guest was present , face nearly rubbing the food , and taking minute bites. Harriet Potter was silently fuming, her roast and pudding were being eaten , yes , but with no compliments . She only made it once or twice a year. She furiously sliced her beef , bit potatoes and snapped asparaguses cleanly through the midriff . Her glare landed at least twice on each household member, not even bothering to avoid Lily.

Taking Mrs. Potter's glare as a sign , Lily cleared her plate with a spell and spoke.

"I will be leaving tomorrow"

The smoldering glare took her in " No , you are not" she stated.

"Yes, I am" Lily said , a bit surprised by the heat of the glare " I am certainly grateful for your hospitality , but my bags are packed

"Unpack them , then"

" It's not that simple…"

" It is simple , you are just complicating the situation with your over-analyzing "

"Mrs. Potter, please, you don't understand…." Lily said in a pained voice

" Oh but I do , dear, you are running away , as people tend to do in your situation, you mourn , stay in a home , realize soon you'll have to face a new family and some affection for them"

" You are not my family!" Lily said loudly.

" We are now"

" No… no , you don't get it " Lily said , standing up and shaking her head "I don't have the slightest idea what Dumbledore was playing at when he sent me here!" she told Harriet.

" I can barely tolerate him" she stated pointing at James "The civil conversations we've shared in the past six years can be counted with one hand"

" I can't understand the language he speaks in " she pointed at Sirius " and he's never spoken to me"

" You Potters have been kind , but I don't want a new family" she finished , letting her head hang.

" You can't leave" apparently Mrs. Potter wasn't listening.

"What! Why not?" Lily fumed , pressing her palms to the table and raising her gaze to collide with Harriet's .

The air cracked and the men in the room looked around them and cowered.

"Because I said so"

Lily raised her head and screeched.

"Oh no mum" James muttered pulling the mantle back and crawling under the table "You've done it now"

" What makes you think you have the right? " Lily yelled.

"I am the head of this house!" Mrs. Potter said , mimicking Lily's posture .

"I don't care!" Lily said , flinging peas at Mrs. Potter as she raised her hand.

"Oh, I'm sor-" PLOOF! Mashed potatoes.

"That was low!"

" You live in this house , get used to the consequences!"

SMASH! Asparagus skirt.

"I don't live in this house!"

SQUIRT! Soup shin.

"THAT BURNS!"

Suddenly something long and yellow whizzes past Harriet's ear. Corn Missiles.

Mrs. Potter crouches behind the table making frantic grabs at her plate.

SPLATT! Roast beef in gravy face.

"ARG!"

…

" Come from under the table , Jammy ,your father and Sirius left ages ago"

"I'm scared"

" No need to be , Potter , your mum and I have reached an agreement"

"Yeah?" he asked , sliding out from under protection

" Yes, Jammy" he winced " I told her how it's normal she can't stand you , because I could barely be in the same room with you for the first five years of your life without wanting your entrails in my hands" he winced again , he'd heard as much, " And that she probably didn't understand the language Sirius spoke in because he most likely spoke in a different language around her in the hopes of driving her insane"

James nodded , "So you'll stay?"

"Unfortunately" Lily said , walking out of the kitchen , her face caked with drying gravy , pants soaked with a liquid he assumed to be soup and hair stringing down with small groupings of buttered mashed potatoes.

"You're a genius mum" he said kissing he cheek.

"Your right" she said simply , walking over to a cabinet , she then opened it and helped her husband out.

" Jonathan you ruddy coward"

"I'm sorry Harri" he said sobbing " I just can't handle you in that state!"

"Pull yourself together , your son will think I neutered you"

Nodding and wiping his face , Mr. Potter stood , and strode purposefully to the table , he knocked a slightly similar tune and Sirius rolled out from under it.

"Is it over?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes" Harriet said impatiently.

"Thank Merlin for that!" Sirius whooped " Say , Harriet , why'd you tell James me and John had left?"

" I thought you both had , I hadn't realized your male survival instincts were so out of tune" she said dryly, then added "Except you , Sirius"

He suddenly swelled with pride.

"You were never male"

Lily smiled widely from behind the kitchen door , and as she headed up the stairs , followed by the laughter and protesting , she thought perhaps she wouldn't wilt inside this house after all.

**AN:**

**Hey! It's been a while , here's another slightly melancholic chapter , though I particularly liked the ending , don't you? I figured Lily had to be mourning a bit , because , well , she's an orphan now , and then those stories where her parents die and she's still a little happy sunshine piss the shit out of me. Anyway , the coming chapters will be more funny , hope you'll like .**

**Reviews are highly praised!**


	6. Wecome to the Club Now the Responsibili

**Welcome to the Club….**

**(Now the Responsibilities)**

**An: Hello! I have returned! Sooner than expected! Squeal I like this chapter , don't ask me why , _I_ don't even understand the entrails of my own mind. Well, anyway here is the next installment of the very popularsnort much requested fall over laughing sixth chapter…….**

"Don't be such a prude"

"Don't be such an arse"

" That's quite the impossible task for him, Lily" Sirius reasoned , biting into his Cockroach Cluster.

"True" she replied , calming down a bit.

James huffed muttering "Some bloody best-friend he turned out to be …"

" Look , Potter" Lily started " I just can't see the point of climbing up to your window , crawling in , grabbing your 'super secret' stash of aphrodisiac chocolate and crawling back down , like some thieving wanker , when you could just walk up there and get it yourself " She took a deep breath , as if keeping down the wave of insults that were sure to explode from her lovely mouth.

"It's the principle of the thing" James held his nose high.

" Which is?" Sirius prompted, taking a large bite of a hopping Chocolate Frog.

"Um….erm… the corruption of Lily Evans!"

" I beg your pardon!" she gaped , a bit of pudding escaping her mouth " I do not need corrupting!"

" Prongs! Why did you not say that sooner!" Sirius exclaimed , quickly hopping to his feet and brushing off his bum. Lily cracked a smile and failed to call attention to the small snail sliding down into his pants.

James , seeing Lily admiring his mate's backside , looked behind at his own , then glanced at Sirius's , and frowned , he couldn't tell them apart.

" This calls for a Marauder convention!" Sirius exclaimed , oblivious to the attention his twin-cheeks were receiving .

James grinned " Too right you are, mate!" he looked at Lily , whom was smirking widely " If you will excuse us , prude"

" Of course , wanker , go ahead" she glared.

" Chin up Lily , we wont be long" Sirius smiled and flipped his hair , shooting off into the large home , followed by a smug James.

Lily glared at a minute rock by her foot , whom whimpered and slowly crawled away.

She smirked , after a month in the Potter's home , she'd learned that most things were enchanted , a minor consequence of inhabiting the same ground as James Potter for seventeen years.

She glanced around her , the grass around her was covered in sweet-wrappers, broken quills and empty butter-beer bottles, she smiled.

They'd come down here after a belated breakfast so that they could finish their summer assignments , or at least, that was Lily's intention. The Distracting-Duo had loaded their arms with junk from the cupboards in the kitchen , while Lily made her way to the front garden. For the first fifteen minutes , she'd been able to work peacefully , for they hadn't arrived yet. When they did , however , both came up with antics that had her attention shattered in a couple second's time. First had been the ' Lets make Lily's quills snap in half while she tries to write with them' Snickering , some bickering , and they were quiet for some five odd minutes. Then came the 'Lets chuck Butter-beer bottles at Lily and see if she catches them before they splatter her brains onto this here picnic blanket' that had been less tolerable , especially when she didn't slow their momentum with her wand. Those had been a strange few minutes of hexing and shouting. Finally Mrs. Potter had come to scold , leaving all three shame-faced for disrupting her strangely timed beauty sleep. Lily stopped attempting to finish her assignments , and the boys stopped trying to mortally wound her in which a period of crude joking and drink-splattering, double-daring-or-hexing and smirking , lots of smirking.

Loud footsteps disrupted her thinking , and cleaning . This disruption also reminded her that she could do magic , and she muttered a simple spell which made the garbage disintegrate into the ground. She turned on her trainers to face four familiar grinning mugs.

" Oh if it isn't the Phenomenal Four!" she squealed in mock surprise. " Pin-prick , Prickster and Prick-full" she had a superior smug look planted on her face " and lets not forget Pudgy-Prick!" she was still a bit bitter about a prank they'd pulled on her a few days ago.

" Come on Lily , it was just a bit of fun" Remus replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

" Yeah Lily , it's not as if was permanent" Sirius said reasonably.

"And I am not Pudgy!" Peter said hotly.

The group stared at him incredulously.

" Perhaps you should just remain quiet , Peter" James gestured to a bench , "And seated"

" You are just over-reacting , prude" James said , turning on Lily "as usual"

The three others let out frustrated whimpers. She glared and growled " Really toe-rag? Would _you_ like _your_ privates dragging behind you when walking? If so , say so , I have no objection to helping you in that department" she took out her wand .

" Oh please prude , control yourself, it was just a simple aging spell-"

" Couple hundred years older!" Peter added helpfully

" Thanks , Wormy." James called over his shoulder , growling " Besides , the girls are back to their perky selves" he said dismissively pointing at her proud stance.

Lily visibly colored and the Marauders snickered , she let out an aggravated screech and launched herself at James's remarkably huge head. Cue the hysterical laughter of the other three. Hearing the merry sound , Lily growled and pried her embedded nails from James's skull.

She turned on the males , menacingly , and said " I will un-man you all , see if I wont , if you don't stop your laughing this instant!" she glared at them all.

"And you!" she added pointing at the sprawled boy on the ground " if I _ever_ catch you looking or even accidentally _glancing_ at my chest again , you will be separated (painfully!) from your testicles!" she held her head up highly and proudly. Her little tantrum followed by complete silence , give or take the occasional sob from Peter's bench.

"Sure…" James called sarcastically from his sprawled form , they groaned " I for one don't believe you will neuter me , I believe you have grown overly fond of mentioning my proud possessions , and the disappointment of castrating me (leaving you sample-less) will kill you" he finished smugly.

" Run now" She whispered .

There was no need for the telling to be done twice.

…

The five acquaintances made their way to a small patch of forest in the Potter's back yard (albeit a bit menacingly in the female portion of the group). When they arrived at a clearing , Sirius sat , and the other boys followed , forming a circle.

" What are you doing?" she asked , raising a brow.

" Setting up" Remus relied vaguely , while taking out a blank parchment from his pocket.

" Just sit down , Lily" Sirius said gesturing to the center of the circle.

She shrugged , and sat. Smiling an inch , she asked " What's with the Penguin resemblance?" She pointed at their matching robes.

" Oh , just part of the routine" James said smiling.

" What routine?"

" The initiation routine" Remus said , also smiling.

" Initiation routine?" she questioned.

" Yeah…" Peter said impatiently.

She glared at him " I was just asking" Lily said indignantly " Initiation routine to what?" she asked turning to Sirius.

" To the only club I would ever join , and am a loyal member of" he said beaming.

She was confused, Sirius would join a club? Was the world melting before her eyes?

" You would join a club?... it wouldn't be educational" she snorted " you wouldn't stand anything that required you to 'learn' something" she snorted again , and started chuckling " it would probably help you cause more trouble than the Maraud- Oh no" her eyes widened .

" Oh yes" Remus said , his eyes sparkled .

" You want me to be a Marauder?" she asked incredulously.

" No , not really" Peter said bitterly.

" What he means , Lily" James started , glaring at Peter, "is that we want you to be an Honorary Marauder"

Sirius nodded eagerly " Do you accept?" he asked .

Lily stroked her chin thoroughly , then she beamed " Well , why not?"

" Good!" Remus clapped his hands " We've already defiled you as is " he laughed "might as well join the rest of us mentally corrupt"

Lily laughed " Of course , It's not like I don't know your secrets"

They stopped .

" What?" Sirius chocked.

" You all are animagus" she looked at them disbelievingly " What is it?"

" How do you know that?"

She beamed and puffed out her chest in an imitation of James " _I_ figured it out" she tousled her hair " I'm a _genius_ like that"

The Marauders chuckled nervously, but still regarded her incredulously.

" Oh fine ! I went to the kitchens last year to stuff my melancholy down with a batch of fresh-made cookies and I saw you lot! Naturally , I followed you , thinking you were doing something against the rules , which you were , but I failed to realize that I was too" she sighed , as if reprimanding herself for such stupidity " I followed you 'till the lake , where you lot transfigured , you turned into a dog" she pointed at Sirius , whom nodded " You , a stag" James nodded as well " I couldn't see what you turned in to , Peter" cue relieved sigh " but I figured you a rat" he huffed indignantly "because of you nickname, dimwit" she shook her head irritably " I kept wondering why you would do something so idiotic , and was very tempted to speed up the castle and into Dumbledore's office. But then I remembered you , Remus" her eyes turned kind , and Remus paled " I didn't mention it , because , well… it's not a very pleasant thing to mention , is it?" her face scrunched " so I acted like I knew nothing , and as far as you lot knew , I didn't" she finished with a nervous glance around the circle.

"Well , that was nice of you" Peter replied bitterly.

"What _is _your problem , Wormtail?" Sirius exclaimed fiercely.

" What's _my_ problem?" Peter said as if offended " She knew our secret!"

" And?" James prompted.

" It's a Marauder secret!"

" Which is why she is now an _Honorary Marauder_!"

"What if she went and told all her bloody friends!" Peter shouted " Did you ever think of that?"

" We trust Lily" Remus said quietly, getting up from the ground , looking at Peter.

" Well , I don't" he said , sniffing the air as if smelling a foul stench.

" Oh get down from your high perch , Wormy" Sirius said nastily " If you are going to act like that , leave"

Peter looked surprised for a minute , looking around at his friends… former friends.

"Fine , fine then , I will" he stuttered " Never thought some _girl _would come between the Marauders"

They watched in silence as he strutted out of the clearing , then apparated.

" He's changed" Remus stated, the other two nodded.

" I'm sorry" Lily whispered " That was my fault , I shouldn't have been so… nasty to him, I'll apologize next time" she looked up from her hands.

"You'll do no such thing" Sirius said kindly.

" It wasn't your fault, Peter's been like that for a while now , snapping at everybody , just being cruel" James shook his head.

" Acting like a Slytherin" Remus added.

Quietly , the four made their way to the house , the sun was setting , and supper would be served soon.

"Hey," James said , in an attempt to break the gloom " Lily straddled me! What an animal!"

"POTTER!"

"Run Prongs!" Sirius yelled.

" If you want to keep your testicles!" Remus added helpfully.

…

Two weeks to Hogwarts , and Lily was looking perplexed, where had the time gone? She didn't think it was fair , returning to the real world any time soon . She had not stepped out of Potter grounds since she had flooed in. Lily kept telling herself she was ready , that pity wasn't that hard to handle , but she heard the lie in her voice , as she was sure everyone else did. The comfortable situation she had settled in was going to be hard to get rid of. She didn't believe she would be able to separate herself from this home , the Potters , even Sirius. They had done it all for her , and even though she still carried that sadness around like a religious omen, it was just a part of Lily now.

_Suck it up Lily_ , she told herself , _you are a Gryffindor_ .

Mrs. Potter watched the girl's inner turmoil with a glazed eye, and reluctantly said nothing , this was one thing the girl must get through on her own. 'Tis true, Lily would never come to amicable terms with her parent's death , but she had to deal, which she had done splendidly , until now.

" 'MORNING!" James yelled , causing all in the kitchen to flinch.

" You are no son of mine" Jonathan muttered while placing his head into crossed arms on the kitchen counter.

" That hurt , Dad" he replied , wiping a mocking tear.

" Good" he replied , and sighed.

" How in the bloody hell are you so… enthusiastic? It's seven in the ruddy morning!" Sirius growled.

"Seconded" Mrs. Potter agreed sleepily from above the stove.

" And you , Lily , aren't you going to say anything?" James asked irritably as he sat beside his sleeping father.

She was gazing out the window , and didn't look at him as she replied tonelessly " You sound as if you had a good romp between the sheets"

Sirius snickered , as did Mrs. Potter , James colored . Lily turned to look at him , expressionless.

"What?" she asked

" You will pay-" he was cut off as three large and dark owls swooped down onto his meal.

" Serves you right" Mrs. Potter scolded , prying the letters from the hungry owls "Threatening a lady" she shook her head and clicked her tongue. Sirius laughed.

" Hogwarts letters?" Jonathan asked , pulling his head up with visible effort.

" Yup" James replied , snatching the letter from his mother's grip " Hey , this is heavy!"

" Really?" Harriet squealed " That's good Jammy , very good"

James sent a questioning look at Sirius, whom shrugged , having never received anything in his Hogwarts letters beside detention slips. He was about to send the same look at Lily , when he realized she wasn't there , her letter was missing as well.

" Hey , where's Li-"

" Open the Damned letter James!" his father bellowed.

" Fine" he snapped " You people are so bloody impatient" he ripped the seal and watched in amazement as a golden badge fell onto the kitchen counter, his mother stopped stirring.

On it , were two large letters HB , under them , as if he had carved it himself 'James Harold Potter'.

" Congratulations son!" his father clapped his back "I knew you had it somewhere in you!" then under his breath "very , very deep within you"

Harriet squealed " I don't believe it ! My boy , My HEAD boy ! How terribly exiting ! I must get the camera" she fumbled in her robes and pulled out a long willow wand "Accio camera!" she said clearly. A tattered wizard's camera zoomed inside the room at alarming speeds , the men ducked as Harriet snatched it out of the air and started clicking pictures.

" I'm Head Boy?"

"You're Head Boy , Prongs" Sirius answered with a shake of his hair.

" Damn it!"

…

Lily looked down onto the golden badge , it wasn't much of a surprise , really , she'd expected it the year before , just before the summer began. Dumbledore had dropped a couple hints and she had been ecstatic. Now though , while she sat on her guest's bed in the Potter's home , she wondered if it was what she really wanted. She'd opened the letter and had been pleased , but not moved , or ecstatic, just mildly pleased.

Perhaps it was the fact that she knew her parents would've been thoroughly exited and congratulatory , something she wouldn't be able to tolerate from the Potters.

Maybe for that reason she told no one of her Head Girl-ship, or perhaps it was because when she'd arrived at the kitchen , she'd heard James swearing loudly , Sirius laughing , and Mrs. Potter reprimanding her son for not being proud at his distinguished accomplishment of Head-Boy-ship.

…

Unconcerned and unsuspecting , the boys slept soundly on the morning of September first. Lily snickered silently as she donned on black robes and covered her hair with an old pair of stockings. Suddenly she started coughing violently and pulled the old stockings off her head.

" Note to self , " she whispered , stepping on the dreaded footwear " never steal ancient stockings from the drawers of my darling Petunia , unless suicidal or in dire need of a poisonous substance"

She crawled quietly down the hall , flushed against the wall. She greeted the Potter ancestor portraits warmly albeit silently. Lily had become their acquaintance when she'd realized that James despised them all with vigor and vice versa, but later came to know the advantage of keeping the portraits as silent observers and allies.

When she reached the great double doors , she fell to her knees before an intimidating lock. She flipped her pinky nail , and out of it came an extensive steel claw. She inserted it into the lock , wiggled it around a bit and let her tongue poke out from under her top lip. She'd heard from James's Great Great Great Cousin thrice removed and bitter childhood nemesis that the duo locked the door usually , his fault , Albert had told her, since , when James had been a child , he had convinced a loyal house elf to sabotage his sheets to constrict James if he made an attempt to go to the bathroom or even thought about it.

The lock clicked , and she laughed maniacally , stopping only when realizing that she was sneaking, and that if her victims heard her , there would be no point to her elaborate charade. Lily crawled into the room , where she was greeted by loud snores from one side of the room and a faint intake of breath from the other extreme. She smiled , perfect.

…

" WAKEY WAKEY , GIRLS ARE NAKEY!" she screamed with all her might.

The first to wake was Sirius , exclaiming loudly an unrecognizable 'Where?' , only to find himself , bound , gagged and upside down.

James, slightly less enthusiastically, exclaimed 'Really?' though it came out as much less decipherable "Mmfff?". He was surprised to find himself in the same situation as Sirius.

" No , not really" Lily smiled " 'morning"

"Before you ask , no , I am not a Dominatrix" she laughed " I merely thought I should remind you lot that you haven't packed."

Sirius spit out his gag " Darling" he beamed "It's painfully obvious that you are no Dominatrix. If you were , it wouldn't have been that easy to rid myself of that gag"

" Same here" called James from his perch.

"Though I seem to be having trouble untangling myself from these binds" he was twitching uncomfortably, "New skill?" he asked nervously.

"Hardly" Lily said dryly " I've been gagging and binding Petunia since she murdered my tarantula in third grade"

James chuckled , while Sirius asked her incredulously " You had a tarantula?" she nodded "Brilliant! What was it's name?"

" Fuzzy" she sighed sadly " Greatest pet a child could ever ask for.."

James looked at her questioningly, " She ate Petunia's insufferable bird, that's why she sat on it" she smiled reminiscing, " she bit my dear sister's arse before being squished completely…went out with a bang , that one did…"

Lily wiped her eyes , " Well, I guess I'll leave you two to pack" she waved and left the room.

It took them a couple minutes to realize they were still bound and upside-down.

" Damn it!" Sirius exclaimed.

" What bloody time is it , anyway?" James asked gruffly ,

Sirius held his head to an uncomfortable angle and looked at the clock.

" It's…. FOUR IN THE BLOODY MORNING!"

James growled , "Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! LILY! COME BACK HERE!" he bellowed

"PLEASE?" Sirius joined.

…

Lily was still snickering when they arrived at Kings Cross station , she was so intensely amused that she didn't even recall the events from the beginning of the summer.

" Shut it Lily, it isn't that funny" Sirius grumbled .

Mrs. Potter laughed and James glared at her , " Great Merlin! My own mother!" he exclaimed frustrated. Lily guffawed .

The party of four went through the barrier to platform nine and three quarters , some a bit more hurriedly than others.

" Sorry your father couldn't be here , Jammy" Harriet said solemnly.

"S'awright mum" James said , patting her back "It's Ministry business"

She nodded, taking out her crochet hanky in the process and blowing her nose. "I'll miss you , son" she said , wrapping him in a hug that belied her strength-lacking arms.

James pushed her back a bit , brushed her seamless hair from her eyes and kissed her cheek loudly. "I'll miss you too Mum" he looked around him and added quietly "but if you tell anyone I just said that , I'll be forced to do physical harm to your embroidery"

She laughed and pushed him off.

" I'll meet you both inside" he said, before entering the train.

"Next!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed.

" I miss your cooking already , mumsy" Sirius said before capturing Mrs. Potter in a smothering hug. She kissed his cheek and he smiled and shook her off , trailing behind James without another word. Though Lily saw him wipe his eyes fiercely before fully being obscured by the scarlet engine.

They watched the spot where he had disappeared for a pair of seconds before turning to each other.

" Come here , dear" Mrs. Potter whispered .

Lily stepped into the opened arms , holding onto the woman like a last hold on sanity. She realized , with a wave of nostalgia , that Harriet smelled a bit like her own mother, and she let a tear slip from her binds.

"Thank you" she whispered.

" No need to , dear" Harriet shook her head " I had fun"

She laughed , and Lily felt her chest rumble. She marveled at how in so little time , the woman had weaved herself so tightly into her heart.

"I'll miss you" she sniffed.

"Yes, I know , dearie" she kissed her brow " I will miss you too"

Lily nodded , finally lessening her hold , and separating herself from Mrs. Potter.

" Do me a favor , dear" Lily looked up into the woman's eyes in confusion.

" Anything"

" Give him a chance"

Lily stood still "You know?"

Harriet huffed impatiently " I'm his _mother _, dear , I knew before he realized he didn't despise your hair"

Lily chuckled.

" Will you?"

The engine whistled and the train started moving . Lily blew one last kiss at Mrs. Potter and climbed quickly onto the train.

_Will I ? _

**An: There! Wasn't that lovely? I thought so…. So if you think so too , look! A REVIEW button! How 'bout you give it a try? It won't kill you , fortunately.**

**Good Merlin! I sound like a drug dealer! Hehahehahahehaheh**

**I'm a maniac , A review-whore maniac!**

**REVIEWS are fully appreciated , read, enjoyed , praised , worshipped and I would venture to say…NEEDED!**

**Next chap will be up soon! **

**Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!**

**applause!**


	7. The Train Ride Home

**The Train Ride Home**

**AN: WOW I'm on FIRE ! Look! New chap! And it's AMUSING , Now you can thank me by feeding me REVIEWS! **

Determination. That is the one thing one needs to avoid a particular being for a specific amount of time. Lily was teeming with it , she had it in spades. She was so sure that she was overflowing with it , that often in the scope of a couple seconds she thought that if she sat , it would sink through the linen of her pants and soak whatever seat she'd decided to ruin. It wouldn't be the first time she was wrong.

Danielle bounded down the corridor, opened the door to the compartment Lily had chosen with the purpose of avoiding her by all costs, sat and sighed.

" Hullo" she said sullenly.

She looked at her trunk , it was squeaking and growling profusely. Danny sent a vicious kick at it , which was received with a quick silence before it landed.

She smiled-in-a-sort-of-grimacing-way "Summer Transfiguration Project" she snorted

" My doves are a sort of pigeon-Labrador mutant breed, according to Arthur , a very exclusive breed"

Lily was looking at her surroundings in the way she imagined a convicted thief would.

" Lily , I thought we'd established that no matter how hard you claw at the seat it will not swallow you whole in fifth year" Danny was looking at her, _right at her_.

Lily looked desperate for a couple seconds , like the time she'd been caught pouring lubricant in Petunia's body cream, then she visibly abandoned her cause and let her clawing nails drop.

" 'Morning , Danny" she said sulking.

"Oh please keep your enthusiasm to a respectable level" Danny replied sarcastically, she looked disheartened.

"What are you wearing anyway?" she demanded irritably.

Lily looked down at her robes and smirked an ironic little smirk, then replied " Potter said it was his invisibility cloak"

" It's not"

" I know that!"

" No you didn't!" Danny said viciously

" I meant I know it now!" she snapped back.

" I can't believe you would fall for _that_"

"What was I supposed to think?" she was getting more than a bit irritated " I've never seen an invisibility cloak before!"

" Well , _I_ have"

" Congratulations! Now you have bragging rights!"

Danny huffed , then Lily huffed and pulled her knees to her chest, Danny's trunk began to moon.

" Shut that infernal mouth!" Lily snapped at it. The trunk started shaking violently, then wailed hysterically.

" Don't yell at my special breed!"

"It's only special because you spoiled the spell!"

" No I didn't, I TOLD you it's a _special breed_!"

" Oh WHO are you kidding?"

" NO ONE!"

"WELL GOOD THEN!"

" SPIFFY!"

"DANDY!"

"BITCH!"

"WHORE!"

" COW!"

"BULL!"

" Why didn't you tell me?" Danny whispered , pressing a conjured ice pack onto her lip, she sent a grateful look at the small fourth year and turned her steely eyes on Lily.

She looked up from nursing her bruised shin with a look of fear and resentment.

"Told you what , Danny?"

" You know very well 'what' , Lily" she spoke softly , so much so that Lily had to lean over to catch her words.

" There I was ,your best friend, and I find out by Sirius flooing into the wrong house over the summer"

Lily was nursing her shin again, " I didn't want anything to change" she whispered.

Danny looked at her friend, Lily's presence almost looked slumped , like she was carrying an obese teenager on her shoulders. A melancholic or suicidal obese teenager.

( Imagine Vernon Dursley)

" I'm sorry" Lily said honestly " I can't truthfully give you an answer , maybe I just didn't want people to know"

" Is that why you were avoiding me?"

Lily smiled " Oh , my dear friend , I was not only _avoiding_ you , I was considering flinging myself onto the roof of the engine to escape your presence"

" Good Merlin! Am I that hideous? Or are you just that psychotic?"

" Both actually" Lily laughed causing Danny to join and for the miniature healers to consider getting professional help with both the mentally disabled patients.

…

" Moony , stop gnawing my calf" James said , licking his thumb and flipping a page.

"Sorry" he muttered, dropping the leg, " You know how I get after…erm …you know"

He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably.

" We know Moony , it's just awful fun to see you squirm" Sirius called from admiring his reflection on the compartment window.

" How wrong that just sounded" James commented.

Remus looked mortified. Sirius shrugged and turned back to his reflection.

"Yeah…" he agreed , then flipped his hair and winked out the window.

" I think you scared those villagers" Remus said to him , smirking.

" Not possible , my countenance inspires admiration , not fear" he replied confidently.

" True , but those lads thought they were being discreet" James looked up from his magazine.

" In admiring me?"

" No , in engaging in …less than appropriate actions by the train-track"

Sirius looked shocked, " I winked at them!" he exclaimed

" Yep" James looked proudly at Remus , whom was patting himself on the back for succeeding in embarrassing Sirius.

Sirius strode to the window and pulled it open , then he proceeded to stick his head out of it and exclaiming , loudly , " USE PROTECTION LAD ! YOU CAN NEVER TELL WITH THOSE FRISKY SORTS!" he smiled and waved, then pulled his head back inside.

He met the incredulous gapes with another infamous smirk, " I couldn't let him go without a warning"

Remus let loose a demented chuckle , then James gargled , dropping his latest edition of _Playwizard _( Which Sirius quickly snatched up and reprimanded James with, 'Be careful , Prongs , these witches are our friends!' then he cooed and pet it lovingly) and they laughed together, until Sirius grew irritated and stalked off into the closest bathroom.

James quickly stopped laughing , " Sirius! Merlin curse you, give me back my magazine!"

Remus rolled on the floor , clutching his ribcage.

" Never! You dropped Morgan Le Fay!"

" She's not even real , Sirius!" he pounded on the door.

"She's real to me!" Sirius wailed " Aren't you Darling?"

" Yes Sirius, take me now , you animal!"

" Woof!"

"Grrr, darling , Grrrr!"

" Sirius" James began calmly " I can tell that you are attached to that enchanted edition, But I KNOW it does not TALK!"

"Shows how much you know , doesn't it Prongs?" he could hear the smug smile in his voice.

" Give it back!"

" Never! Morgan is _my_ lover! She doesn't even _like_ you !"

James got irritated , _every_ woman was inescapable when it came to _his_ charms, with the exception of his mother , thank Merlin.

" And _why_ not?" he demanded through the door .

" James?"

" Lily!" he colored and was about to clap his palms over her ears when Sirius's sonorous charm boomed throughout the train.

" BECAUSE OF YOUR _SPECIAL_ DYSFUNCTION!" Sirius boomed , James almost sighed , then he boomed again " THE FRIENDLESS _ERECTILE_ DYSFUNCTION!"

He heard it echo , I mean _really_ , how ridiculous , it echoed for a full five minutes !

He didn't think he had ever been so red, James was sure he was well on his way to violet by now. He'd also never seen Lily look so discombobulated, and with his arms reaching forward towards her head , she must've thought he was psychotic…. Wait , he was already psychotic.

To make matters just a bit more agitating, Sirius strode confidently out of the bathroom , _Playwizard ,_ under his arm.

" Hullo Lily! Fancy seeing you here!" he pulled her into a hug .

" I only arrived with you , Sirius" Lily said , exasperated.

" That's right , you did!" he laughed , then raised a brow at James " You petrified, Prongs? I believe I know the counter-curse" he fumbled for his wand through his robes " Nope , must've left it in the compartment with Moony"

James let his arms drop slowly , and nearly succeeded in turning his glare on Sirius , but to any passerby , it would've appeared that the suffering Marauder was glaring at his pants.

" Well, I'm done with this" he said casually , slapping the magazine onto James chest.

Sirius ran , and James having been frozen by the previous dose of embarrassment , was not swift enough to catch the enchanted edition. It fell open to a page.

" Oh Mastah James!" gasped a southern belle " You have returned!" while her partner whispered seductively (though a bit loudly) " Won't you pay for the next subscription , Mastah James?"

Lily eyes were the size of Caribbean Coconuts , and she had taken her hand to her mouth in a gasp.

James cradled his head in his hands in a desperate attempt to gain invisibility.

"Um….." Lily began , he clutched his head until it hurt " I..I ..have to …um…go…somewhere" she grimaced at the pathetic excuse , but fled nonetheless .

James peeked through his hands, and saw the dust cloud Lily had lifted in her swift departure, then groaned.

"Mastah James?" the belle crooned, licking her lips.

He groaned anew, squatted , picked up the purring edition ,stepped into the bathroom, slamming the door closed and cussing loudly.

…

" Where's Wormy?"

" Still evading us , I suppose"

" Shush!" James cried maniacally " Don't speak to _it, _Moony!" he pointed at the roped Sirius.

Remus shrugged and inspected his cloak suspiciously before putting it on ( he did this every year after the second because of a badly performed hex on the part of Sirius , whom had been trying to turn it pink and succeeded only in having Remus in the Hospital Wing for a week with a rouge body).

Sirius flared his nostrils " Shouldn't you be in the Head's Compartment?"

" What did _it_ say Moony?"

"Come on Prongs , you heard what Sirius sai-"

" What did _it_ say , Moony?"

" That you should be in the Head's Compartment"

" You're right Moony" James nodded and clapped Remus on the back "I _should_ be there"

"So go" Sirius replied.

He was blatantly ignored, " So go" Remus said .

" I should" He stood up " Thanks , Moony"

He was out of the compartment when he doubled back and grabbed his invisibility cloak, "To prevent further mortification" James explained , then pointed at Sirius " Keep the thing bound" and his body disappeared.

" You know Moony , I rather think that Prongs is overreac-mfff mfnmfm"

Remus placed his wand back into the folds of his robes , and smiled at the pink gag Sirius was supporting.

"Shush!" he said , and picked up a book.

…

Lily looked at the prefects surrounding her and smiled . They all fidgeted and were nervously tapping their feet. They were almost cute , were it not for their advanced age. All sat in pairs , in accordance with their house and year , it wasn't required , but they did it anyway. A sixth year Slytherin pair hissed as a gust of wind hit them with the opening of the compartment door, they hastily reached for their heavy cloaks to cover their naked arms and glared at the intruder.

Lily chuckled , and the Slytherins turned around to glare at her. She felt rather like royalty when they muttered apologies after looking at her golden badge.

" Sorry I'm late" she sighed as she looked at a sheepish James.

" Don't think on it" she replied, briskly avoiding his eyes.

" Lets begin everyone!" she clapped her hands and James sat beside her.

" As most of you know (but for the benefit of those who don't) a prefects responsibility consists of……"

Sometime during Lily's droning and the new appointee's frivolous note taking , James interrupted.

" The patrols during the Spring will most likely-"

" I am not impotent , Lily"

The prefects whom had been dozing promptly picked up their heads and posture.

" Sure , James"

"I'm serious"

" I'm glad"

" No , really"

" That's great" the Slytherins began to snicker.

" I'm not kidding Lily"

" That's bloody great James , but you interrupted me"

" I do not have an erectile dysfunction Lily"

" Perhaps you heard me wrong , _I _ never said you did"

" But you thought it"

" Excuse my mind for thinking , what a mortal sin"

" Don't be witty" he snapped

" I could tell you not to be stupid James , but we all have things we can't accomplish"

"Like me getting an erection?"

"What?" she looked irritated, " I didn't say that!"

"Sure you did"

" I said no such thing!" she exclaimed and turned to the Hufflepuff pair " Right I didn't say that?"

" You didn't say-" one began as the second said " It did sound like you were insinuating it"

" Oh you are no help whatsoever!"

"See?" James proclaimed "You _did_ say it!"

" No I did not!"

" Fine if you wont believe me , I'll prove it to you!"

"No!"

"You think I can't do it , right?"

" Stop fumbling with your belt James!"

" No!"

" Stop it!"

"Run Prefects! Save yourselves from the grotesque sight!"

" See?"

" Ughh, James! Put that thing away!"

"Neigh!"

"Ya!"

"Non!"

"Oui!"

Lily glared and grabbed the enchanted edition of _Playwizard_ from his hand , " What exactly is this supposed to prove James?" she asked "That you have a colorful taste in bathroom literature?"

"Oh…well" he scratched his head "I guess I really didn't think it through"

" No , you didn't" she handed it back to him .

Lily stuck her head out of the compartment door , " They're gone , James , I would wear your cloak though , just in case there are some snooping strays"

He nodded " Thanks Lily" he swung his cloak around his shoulders , but before he pulled the hood to obscure his face , he said " We'll finish this conversation some other time"

With a curt nod of approval from Lily , he was gone.

…

" Well , I hope you're happy , Padfoot" James said sullenly sucking on a Chocolate Frog leg.

"Very" Sirius replied cheerfully " Now release me, you fiend!"

" No" Remus said before James could rant again.

The train jerked to a stop , and the school as a whole scurried about with much haste , for a slow student , was a carriage-lacking one.

"It'll blow over , James" Remus comforted , while pushing his trunk into the carriage with visible effort.

" Someday, when I'm dead and haunting" he sighed " I can't believe Lily believed it , though"

" I NEVER SAID THAT POTTER!" the girl screeched from a second year's carriage , of which he could only see the back of.

"Now _she_ has good hearing" Sirius said reasonably from his constricted position on the leather seat.

" Did _it_ say something?"

**AN: Now , Wasn't that interesting? I thought it was …. Somewhat twisted and deformed , yes , but interesting nonetheless , why don't you bring me from my high perch with some down-to-earth reviews? You won't regret it. Or maybe you might , how should I know?**


	8. Another Day, Just Breathe

**Another Day , Just Breathe **

**AN: Hullo. This is the shortest chapter so far. I was lacking strength due to the lack of nourishment (reviews) **

" Dun dun dundun , dun dun dundun... panana panana panana pum pum pum ... pununuh pununuh pununuh pum pum pum!"

" For the love of Merlin's knickers , Danny ! Cease and desist !"

"SHHHHHH!"

"Are _you _shushing _me_?"

" Shut up, Lily!"

" You're the one who was singing!.. Wait , I'm sorry that's an insult to melody , you're the one _attempting _to sound talented!"

" That was James Bond , Lily! I was merely providing atmosphere!"

"We have enough oxygen"

" Oh , you're hilarious , watch me roll on the floor , no , really"

Danny slowly crouched and rolled onto the ground, she did so for a couple feet until she hit the opposite wall.

" I'm on fire!"

" At least you know the maneuver"

" Once again, see me piss on myself from laughter"

" Your sarcasm is giving me an ulcer"

There was a loud echo , which caused both girls to flatten themselves onto a wall. The sound increased , it was some type of purring and a clunk of wood against the stone walls . Filtch.

" Oh , darling , I can smell them, can't you?"

Purrrrr.

" Yes precious , they smell like pigs , like fattened pigs"

Purrpurr.

" I should very much like to eat 'em , darling"

Hiss.

Filtch chuckled nervously and the clunk of wood stopped for several seconds , " But that is your domain , precious"

Purr.

He chuckled again .

" Good"

Lily glanced worriedly at Danny , she had her eyes closed and was murmuring to herself.

Suddenly , they heard a distinct hiss from the corridor ahead and severe cussing. The torches distinguished and smoke blurred their eyes.

Danielle squealed , then Lily looked down to catch a glimpse of Mrs. Norris chasing a rather obese rat.

She smelled something foul and watched aghast as Filtch sprinted at higher speeds than she thought were humanly possible after his corrupt and murderous cat.

"Wait , precious! Wait for me! You promised I could join your feast!"

They were gone , that quickly.

Lily was somewhat … confused , Argus Filtch never let the opportune moment to catch students out of bounds pass, but he _did _love his cat. If you could call such a deformed beast that.

She turned her head sharply when someone started snickering….and found nothing. Lily looked at Danny from across the hallway . She looked frightened sure , it was comical , but she was scared nonetheless. Lily had a good hunch who was snickering , though she bet the bastard thought he was being clever, him and his posse.

"Danny….pst!" she whispered

Danny looked up , nervously glancing about her.

"Danny , go to dinner"

" What , and leave you here?"

"Yes. I know how to get to the kitchens"

" Then why have we been lost for the past …" she looked at her astrological wrist-watch "forty five minutes?" she raised a brow , oblivious to the fact that she was speaking to an empty patch of dark corridor.

Lily had had a 'brilliant stroke of …erm …brilliance!' when she had dodged yet another malicious dwarf-of-a-Slytherin third-year. She thought that if they (meaning Danny and her ) completely shun being associated with the Great Hall , she could safely pass an evening without pity or ridicule! However , Miss Weasley was hasty to point out their obvious lack of nourishment. (AN: No , I don't mean reviews, though I am still in the lacking ) They had put their heads together to gather any sort of conclusion to the predicament , but only succeeded in causing severe hemorrhaging in their inner skulls. This event however negative it may seem , issued Lily's frontal lobe to pointedly remember it had visited (along with the company of Lily) the kitchens on several occasions in second year.

"Pst! Danny , I'm over here!"

" Oh , sorry. Can't see a thing in this dark" she exclaimed irritably.

" It would help if you opened your eyes" Lily said exasperatedly.

" Yes it would" Danny agreed , keeping her eyelids firmly shut.

Lily sighed .

" Go to dinner , Danny"

" Why?"

" Sirius will be there….." she said encouragingly

"….."

" Oh… dear … I've encouraged another Sirius-mental-rant"( which the author may add , has been happening often since the beginning of their dating. Phooey.)

"….."

"Stop drooling , for Merlin sakes!"

" heheheheh"

" You are scaring my future children"

" I suppose I could go to dinner…. If you really wanted" she added hastily

Lily sighed again , damming to hell all love-diseased humans…and animals , then said ,

"I really want you to"

Danny gave a little whoop of joy , from the groaning afterward , Lily figured she had also tried to hop while clicking her heels and fallen ungracefully on the stone floor.

After much banging into walls and maniacal giggling , Danielle had gone.

" James, please be so kind as to return lighting to the corridor before I damage my calves" she exclaimed

" Oh , and take off that dammed cloak" after a small smile and a strokeof brilliance she added"Remus."

She had become accustomed to invisible foots following her to every destination, she dearly hoped the bathroom was excluded. She briefly wondered if hearing or witnessing a female in the act of excretion was appealing in any manner , to anyone , besides dung beetles.

Lily did a somewhat extravagant victory dance when the torches returned to a blazing fire and Remus's head began to float in her line of vision . James stepped out from behind a midget knight whom was avidly scratching his gleaming lower back.

" Darling! How did you manage to figure I admire your calves?"

" They cured your impotence" she said smiling smugly.

James looked very startled for some odd milliseconds , before conjuring a tall glass of water , pouring it in his mouth , and spitting it out ( in a very good imitation of a kettle , I might add).

Lily snorted and unceremoniously clapped his back, replying " Teasing. I saw them drawn on your Potion's essay , ignoramus-arse"

" Still hasn't blown over" he muttered miserably, turning a lively shade of rouge.

Remus managed to contain his laughter, "Well, you can thank Pads for that"

"Giving the Hufflepuffs a one by one account during dinner wasn't much help on his part either" Lily said , smirking superiorly.

"Fine, fine, Lily"

" Hello Remus , James!" she said while flinging her palms to her cheeks in tones of mock surprise "Any particular reason you are … stalking me? From lack of a better word" she growled.

" Well, you see….. Prongs was curious as to your location….so erm.."

" You avoided the Great Hall quite…profusely" James explained .

" So we just…erm … wanted to know if you were …alright" Remus finished lamely.

"I should have thought it obvious why I avoided the Great Hall"

"McLaggen?" James asked eagerly.

She looked at him strangely , as if he had just grown a wart between his eyebrows , that talked.

"No…." she said , and shook her head for good measure.

Remus chuckled, " Prongsie here heard that you had adopted McLaggen as your new man-slave" he explained.

" I see" she replied , stroking her chin " so I had one before McLaggen?" she asked interestedly.

At this Remus raised a brow "Yes, it was …. Wood I believe"

" Wood?" she snickered " At least I don't have bad taste" she thoughtfully looked into space.

James sputtered and Remus slapped his back delightedly .

"Relax , James , I've never had a man-slave" she said seriously " That I can remember"

He started coughing .

" I _was_ an avid alcoholic last year but" she sighed sadly "Duty called and I'm sober"

James was pounding his fist into his chest while coughing noisily.

"She's kidding , Prongs"

Lily started laughing suddenly and James stopped coughing.

" That wasn't funny!" he exclaimed .

"Sure James , just like when Sirius nearly drowned in that four-foot pond two years ago wasn't funny" Lily stated comically.

" Oh yes , that reminds me , why did you tell him to remove his clothing? It left me scarred"

" Well I'm sorry for that, Remus. But we told him so that the weight didn't pull him to the bottom of the pond" Remus gave her an incredulous stare "and for Danny's benefit" she sighed defeated .

Remus laughed .

"I'm sorry to interrupt this tender moment" James said disgustedly " but Filtch may return with Peter at any moment"

" Right"

"Peter?" Lily said irritably.

" Yes , the rat Mrs. Norris was chasing eagerly"

"Oh!" Lily said joyously

"Yes …sweet revenge" Remus said softly.

"My idea" James puffed out his chest.

"Are we going?" Remus asked impatiently motioning down the corridor.

" Patience is a virtue , Moony"

"Ooo , look who's talking!"

" I can't look at myself!"

" You don't protest doing it every morning!"

" I happen to not have a mirror on me !"

" At the Moment!"

"Males! Could we move this spat somewhere more appropriate? Perhaps somewhere in which McGonagall cannot engage in the beating of her transfiguration prodigies?" she scolded softly "Let's go to the Heads Common Room!" Lily said excitedly

"Why?" James said fastidiously.

" Because… it's cool"

" That portrait is most certainly not"

"But you've never been inside!"

"And why is that? Because of that bloody portrait!"

" Well , she is a bit …nitpicky , but she'll let you in"

" No she won't! She's so bloody sexist , her ovaries have shriveled!"

" James , she isn't –"

"Shriveled , I say! They have become ashes on her other internal organs!"

"I'm going to ….. go, alright Lily?" Remus sped down the corridor , tucking the cloak safely in the crook of his arms. He sled and fell a few times , but record few , considering the speed in which he fled.

Lily glared at his retreating back then turned around to face an aggravated James.

"Come , now that you've successfully scared Remus off , do you want to accompany me to the Head Common Room?"

"Of course!"

"Bloody…opportunistic bastard…"

"What was that?"

" Moody futuristic lizards !"

" Nice one Lily"

" They always are"

…

She'd had a hard time coping with the incredulous amount of pity she'd been spoon-fed for the past week. Even the teachers seemed less harsh than was usual. Lily abhorred it. If there was something Lily loathed more than the late James Potter, it was pity & co.

Danielle understood, she'd become Lily's bodyguard against it on the second day of school.

" True , I'm not so good as the Swiss" she'd said "but they dress like circus performers , so you wouldn't want any one of them following you to classes"

And she was good , very good , scarily so. On the fourth day after her hiring a small blond Lily had presumed to be in second year had strode up to them with a confidence that was rare in her age group.

" Hello" she'd said " My name is Rosemary"

" Like the condiment?" Danny had asked .

"Yes" the short condiment sniffed indignantly.

" I just wanted to say… I'm sorry about your loss , Lily"

" I'm sorry , I was under the impression that I did not know you…." Lily scrunched her brow in thought "Rosary"

"It's Rosemary'

"Whatever" Danny huffed " Pay attention , short one"

The girl growled from their feet " Look at the badge" Danielle pointed to her chest where a makeshift badge read 'NO PITY NINNIES' .

The condiment shifted her feet uneasily " I thought it would be nice … lot's of people feel bad for her…I mean … she even _looks_ pitiful" she raised her small head to meet an unwelcome sight. A very offended Lily and a livid Pity-Patrol.

Danielle had laughed maniacally as she'd shaved the blond from the condiment's head. She now kept the lock of hair pinned to her badge , with an addition of 'YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HAIRLESS PIGS'.

There were only a handful of places at a handful of times she could visit without being disturbed or followed by her loyal guard. These were the snog-fest periods (for no duo's had spare time at those hours), during classes , during dinner , and the few hours after curfew that no living being was parading in ( with the exception of the Marauders).

She was now walking in those inhumane hours , for she had not been able to step into nature for days. She'd asked James for the cloak before leaving , but the greedy bastard had refused firmly, asking how it was possible for him to stalk her if _she_ had the bloody cloak. She'd told him to stop stalking her then , and he'd laughed merrily and slapped his thigh .Wanker.

…

After she'd thrice paroled around a portrait , Lily decided it was time to walk by the lake, since she'd had no sure sign that James was following her , and the bloody knight in the portrait kept digging through his nostrils for diamonds.

She wrapped her jumper tightly around her shoulders and opened one of the doors quietly. Once she'd made sure the door wouldn't lock , she ran excitedly towards the crystalline lake. In her hopping and silent rejoicing , Lily failed to notice the large double door closing with a sharp tug.

Lily skipped to the edge of the lake and admired her reflection , after a few second's gazing she spit disgustedly and strode in the opposite direction. A tentacle leisurely waved at her back , which she returned without turning around and kept striding. They were old acquaintances.

She stopped walking suddenly, and looked at her surroundings worriedly , she was at the outskirts of the forest. How had she gotten there? She could swear she'd been heading in the opposite direction. How odd.

A breeze brought her from her stupor , it was cold. She repeatedly asked herself how it could be so cold in mere late summer. There was a rustle of foliage in close proximity and Lily felt her core shudder. Finally , she noticed she was alone. She glanced behind her towards the castle and could not distinguish it in the darkness. She shuddered again. The rustling grew more confident and she noticed it was coming from a shrubbery at her right. Lily let go of her elbows slowly and silently diminished the space between her and the shrub. She patted down her pockets , feeling for her wand , nothing. She berated herself in her mind , but kept a steady pace towards the rustling.

When she was almost upon it , she saw a small , green and pointy-eared manner of a creature. It reminded her of a pixie and she was pondering on it's appearance when it dawned on her , it was a Dixie. The Dixie crawled from the underbrush with a half chewed snail in it's entrails , it looked at her for a couple seconds in what she could only perceive as a toothy grin, for it did have teeth. Lily lowered her wand sighing loudly and laughing, until and icy hand covered her mouth. She had no time to scream as the hand murmured a spell and her body stiffened. Lily had nearly shut her eyelids completely when she caught one last glimpse of the green hide of the small Dixie.

**AN: DUN DUN DUN!**

**I wont rely on threats because I enjoy writing this story more than is healthy , but if you are reading it … why not express your opinions? If you don't , you are as good to me as a large and elderly wad of rotting meat. Review! Review , I say!**


	9. Bait? Lovely

**Bait? Lovely.**

**An: Wow , I make progress! Quick Pat me on the back! **

There is something slightly unnerving about waking to unfamiliar locations. It made for some uncomfortable thinking. One usually starts to ponder the ideal of subconscious memory deficiency , which could be the case , if it were not impossible. Lily did wonder , for some tension-full minutes , until with a laugh , she realized she'd been kidnapped , and was not suffering from any memory issues. What a relief.

She sighed, and looked at her surroundings .

_**Lily you've been kidnapped**_

_Yes , I **know** , darling ._

_**No , I don't think you understand—**_

_Yes I do. I am perfectly able to comprehend the English language…see? Big words._

**_LILY! You're hysterical , control yourself and get a handle on the situation!_**

_I am not! I believe I should be offended . I am perfectly calm…Oh look , mist! I am not very fond of mist…_

_**PAY ATTENTION! Analyze! Analyze, I say! Look around and figure out how to get us out of this!**_

_Fine! Phooey. You are a very pessimistic conscious._

_**How is this situation in any way positive?**_

_I don't have Alzheimer's!_

…

_FINE!_

She observed her surroundings again , it was misty , true , but very humid. The trees in close proximity looked to be nearly hundreds of feet tall , though she hoped that to be an illusion or trick of the light. She was disappointed when she saw that there was not much light to be corrupted , so her theory was pure…decomposed dinner. Lily then wisely decided to glance behind her , but then painfully realized it was an impossible task , for the bark of the tree she was constricted to was more than four times her width. Then of course , she noticed she was bound to a tree. Her pessimistic conscious was right, she _ was_ out of it. How had she not noticed her binds? She looked down on them , and shook a bit testing their endurance. She squealed. Merlin she'd squealed! The seemingly standard wide ropes had wound tighter around her waist, then hissed. One of the knot-lacking ends had lifted and hissed bloody murder at her.

Lily tried to flatten herself onto the bark , only to be probed and prodded by the sharp cuts in the crust . She yelped and thrust forward only to have the hostile boa-constrictor bindings nearly choke all the oxygen form her, then hiss.

As she panted she noticed that the fog she'd acknowledged minutes before was spreading upwards and nearly reached her knees. She then made a fruitless attempt to pull them up, the mist gave a sense of cold foreboding and a shiver reached her toes.

A heart wrenching sob broke through her thick silence and self-pity , and she wiped her head about …only to remember she barely had a field of vision. Another sob , then another and then a multitude until Lily was getting fiercely annoyed. If they had felt so guilty at the idea of kidnapping her , why do so?

She was about to offer a tissue and a backhanded slap when she heard a distinct growl of disgust. The sobbing , blundering fool ceased immediately. It got colder , the fog now reached her waist.

"S-ss-orry, sir" the fool said pleadingly

"Shut your useless blabber. She might hear you"

"Ye-s-s , sir"

"QUIET!"

There was a swish and Lily felt a familiar hand creep upon her shoulder , it was cold , very cold. She tried to turn her head but milky white fingers kept her skull firmly planted upon sharp bark.

" Listen Mudblood , you heard nothing"

In an instant , she recognized the voice , then managed to wrench her head from the icy fingers.

" You!" she spat.

"Me" he smiled coldly.

…

He wrenched the covers fiercely , them glared as they fell off the bed. The idea of spending another night of insomnia because of Lily Evans was infuriating , if not embarrassing. James pondered on the idea of waking Sirius , but them shame-faced realized this time would probably be one too many. Why had he let her go off meandering all by her lonesome? Pride , his larger than Snape's nose ego, what else?

He'd _planned_ on following her , but then his pride caught up . How would The James Potter look after the social disasters that had transpired the past week, if caught following the skirts of Lily Evans …again? Pathetic , that's how. And Manly-man male James Potter could not afford another blow to his ego …much less his social position.

So he let Lily leave the Head's Dormitory without much fuss, only denying her the pleasure of traveling under the safety of invisibility(in his mind , this would have kept her from wandering too far off and returning swiftly). He'd then preceded to return to his dorm and stock up on _Playwizards _, (searching for lost editions under the jungle that was thriving under his bed) and annoy the scholar out of Moony. Peter had conveniently been missing. When James had asked the remaining Marauders about it , they'd mentioned that Peter had not been present at dinner , so blamed his lack of presence on his ravenous hunger.

When he'd said 'night to his friends and posse, James (under the shelter of his trusty cloak) and headed to the Head Dormitories. He ran into Peter though, with arms full of éclairs and a grin the size of Russia.

"House elf's been good to you?"

" Generous" Peter replied eagerly.

" Better go give these to Pads"

James nodded , but caught his forearm as he passed by, Peter winced , as if in pain .

" No hard feelings?" seeing Peter's look of confusion he added "about earlier…with Mrs. Norris"

"Oh…yeah , just a bit of fun Prongs , don't fuss" he smiled , somewhat forcibly.

James didn't notice, and returned the gesture.

Before heading back up the stairs , he noticed Peter rubbing his left forearm vigorously , then looked down at his hand . He figured he needed to control his own grip.

James looked at the Head's grandfather clock , it plotted moon cycles as well as told time , Mars was several stars to the north-west , meaning it was two in the morning. With another irritated huff , he flung himself off the goose-down pillows and made his way to the common room. When he reached it , he looked about , it was exactly as he had left it. He raised his head to look at Lily's bedroom door, it was shut.

He slowly climbed the stairs that led to it , and knocked on the door. No answer. He repeated the process while pressing his ear to the wood. Nothing. James bent his knees and looked through the lock. He could see nothing but dark. James grew impatient , as was usual, so he quietly turned the handle and pushed the door open. The room was immaculate , and the windows were tightly shut , Lily's trunk wasn't even present. She had never slept here . There wasn't even sufficient proof of house elf presence in the room.

James started getting nervous, and berated himself for not following his usual stalker-seeming manner. He flew down the flight of stairs , and bolted up his . He dug through a particularly large pile of clothes that smelled like decomposing sewer rats, then yelped in triumph. In his hand , a small dirty mirror ,

"SIRIUS!"

The blurry image cleared to reveal sleeping Padfoot, whose hair seemed to be in an extravagant turban , on it's side it read 'MADAM MITSFY'S ALL PURPOSE RELAXER'. James raised a brow , but pursued his purpose nonetheless.

"PADFOOT!"

"Wazzzz…..?"

"WAKE UP!"

" Danny? Darling, not tonight , Ol' Siri's tired" he yawned "Maybe tomorrow….besides , I'm doing my treatment…." He pointed to his turban , then flopped back down into his pillows.

James blinked into the mirror for some minutes.

"PADS! THIS IS PRONGS! IT'S URGENT!"

Sirius's reflection rubbed his eyes and yawned , then picked up the mirror

"Prongs?" James nodded " What's so urgent?"

" Have you seen Lily?"

Sirius sighed impatiently, "For the last time Prongs , Lily is not sneaking off to engage in sexual escapades with her lover, Professor Slughorn" he smiled wickedly.. "It's Flitwick she lusts after"

"Of course Padfoot , and I'm not using your headwear for future blackmail"

Sirius raised a worried hand to his head , and sighed

"Fine , what is it?"

"She's not in her room"

"So? Couldn't she have a love life or something—"

James glared at him.

"Right , that's completely unthinkable , that leaves us with…." He tapped his lower lip "The girl's dormitories!"

James smacked his forehead "Of course, I always fuss over nothing…."

"I'll get the map…"

" I'll be right over"

…

"You…Filthy Mudblood!"

"Glad you remember my nickname , Malfoy"

He sneered, "Always , Mudblood" , stepping closer , he slapped her head onto the bark.

Shacking her damaged skull , she made herself look back up into his eyes.

" For so fine a pureblood" she leered "You harbor respect for Muggle forms of discipline"

" How DARE you?" he barked , pulling his wand from his sleeve

She looked at him oddly " I dare"

He eyes seemed to bulge and he pointed to her binds "Finite Incantatem" he recited.

She collapsed on the ground , the mist covering her head. For a second , she doubted he could see her and considered simply crawling away , then she was exposed again . He shoved the fog away brutishly with his wand and smiled maliciously at her.

"Now vermin , scream" with no further warning , he bellowed "CRUCIO!"

She writhed and twitched at impossible angles , her back arched to it's maximum. She could almost feel it snap cleanly, but always , it stopped just before it became deadly.

She said nothing , and shut her lids.

…

"You must be wondering why you are here" he began conversationally , slashing at a near tree and sitting lazily on the stump " It's not only that I want your vile entrails in my hands.. no , you are my bait" he smiled joyously " Just think of the rewards I will acquire when the Dark Lord learns of my success!"

Lily sat , bound once more , unmoved " So… Ol' Voldy wants the last of the Evans?"

she asked sardonically " What, he's scared I'll pelt him with my textbooks?"

"NO, you vermin!"

" Bloody hell , Malfoy , you already used that one!"

" Hold your tongue!"

" Sorry, quite the unreasonable request ,seeing as I can't move my arms"

He glared at her icily "You forget your place , Mudblood"

" Fortunately , that is acceptable for me , since you have lacked the manners to bestow me with my location"

He shook his head irritably , then flipped his blond-white hair over his shoulder.

Lily smiled " Drink Peroxide much , Malfoy?"

" What may that be , some filthy Muggle concoction?"

She smirked superiorly " Something that must have been slipped in your pumpkin juice daily"

" I wonder…" he said coldly "what it must feel like to have your parents slaughtered for a clever rouse…." He tapped his chin , then leaned forward , close to her face. Malfoy cupped a hand to his ear "What? No witty remarks? My ears must deceive me"

Lily , however had lowered her gaze.

" I must be loosing hearing from the lack of screaming…"

She figured she must've screamed that time.

…

"….they hate each other"

"WHAT! That's not what you said , minion!"

" No …you misunderstood…"

" NO , _you _ misunderstand , parasite" he took a deep breath " I am the Dark Lord's privileged , if because of your delirious fabrication _I_ loose my place , you _will _pay."

"But-but sir!" the small voice squealed " you merely asked whom would affect him the most…!"

" Exactly! Why would a loathed person affect him?"

" Potter is strange in his ways , sir"

" I don't believe you.."

" Sir .. if you would but listen—"

" _You_ listen , The Dark Lord may need you , but I do not. Do not make the mistake of believing I will hesitate in killing you"

" But , the Dark Lord would be angr—"

" No, you hold yourself too high. Don't delude yourself into thinking _anyone_ will miss you."

"I don't sir—"

" Quiet , the Mudblood wakes"

Lily had listened , until she could no longer hold her stiff position . That voice , it was familiar …so familiar.

" You are sure Potter will not come?"

She assumed the previous voice must've nodded , for Malfoy quickly said ,

" Until our next session Mudblood , keep insolent , so that I enjoy peeling the skin of your bones with some vigor"

She shuddered and sagged in her binds , before she lost all consciousness , she noticed the binds did not hiss , but sagged with her.

…

The map hadn't helped , and he was starting to get panicky and severely twitchy.

"Prongs? Prongs! Don't worry , we'll find her" Remus said , patting his shoulder blade comfortingly.

" The map _could_ be wrong"

James looked at him incredulously.

"The map's never wrong , Pads"

" I know" he sighed.

"Where's Pete?" Remus asked , glancing over to the beds.

" Here" came a sullen reply from the doorway.

"Where were you?"

"Can't a man go to the bathroom anymore?"

"Fine!" James snapped "Listen , are you going to help me go look for her?"

"Of course, Prongs. How far away could she be?"

Remus and James exchanged worried glances.

" You coming Wormy?" Sirius asked .

" Not tonight" he replied , burying himself deeper into the blankets.

…

When she woke , the mist was gone, and she silently thanked Merlin. It was cold , that was true , but not humid. Malfoy was gone and that was a definite improvement, along with him , had gone her fear . Though her body ached in places she didn't know were possible. Her arm pits for example , were throbbing intensely and as exhausted as she was , the pain kept her arms raised above her head.

Lily struggled against her bindings but although they did not protest , they held in place.

She was spent and knew that there was no chance she could make it out of her temporary exile without some type of help. She'd probably spend the night here , she groaned.

Something bit her finger.

"AHHHHHH!" amidst her frantic screaming she realized she wasn't the only being inhabiting the Forbidden Forest, then she stopped.

She raised her head carefully. A small creature , of green hide and scarily sharp teeth looked down from it's branch in what she thought was a rather mischievous grin .Lily smiled through her weariness , and promised she would kiss the murderous looking creature if it was the last thing she ever did. The Dixie crawled down from it's branch slowly and meticulously, making it's way down Lily's torso to the ropes. She watched it smile and start chewing hungrily on them.

One by one , they released. When they were all gone , the Dixie held fast onto the ropes and fell ungracefully onto the ground. Lily laughed and wearily bent to pick it up, but blinked and her grin slipped off. It was gone , him and the ropes.

Lily leaned against her transitory jailer and gathered her impulse. With one last look around her , she picked a direction and set off.

…

Remus jogged around the lake determinedly , finding nothing , however , he was ready to head back inside. Getting Dumbledore was the best possible option anyhow. In his haste , he tripped , stumbling and cursing Merlin to damnable depths of hell , he noticed what he'd tripped on. Ropes , chewed ropes. Quickly , he conjured a patronus into the castle, the shaggy wolf ran at full speeds inside. Remus headed into the forest.

…

Lily stumbled into a clearing , and panted loudly.

_BLOODY BRANCHES! _ She thought , backhanding a narrow tree.

"OW! Damn you unsympathetic buggers! Can't you see I'm at my last whim here?"

With that said , she fainted.

…

Sirius ran as Padfoot frantically through the dawning forest. He smelled something . Soon enough, he tumbled over it. A shallow breathing Lily.

Swiftly he transfigured into his human form and took out his pocketed dingy mirror.

"PRONGS!" he yelled

"WHAT? Did you find her Pads?"

"Yes , It wont take me long to get back to the castle "

"Go to Madam Pomfrey"

Sirius nodded and pocketed the mirror once more. He levitated Lily carefully, but made his way through the forest at a faster pace she'd been making.

Soon , he ran into Remus and both carried her off into the castle , James fast at their heels.

Safe in his goose-down pillows, the pudgy boy drew a shallow breath as he gently brushed his fingers over the festering flesh of his left forearm.

**AN: REVIEW BUTTON! How did THAT ever get there?**

**Why don't you …check it out?**


	10. Twinges and Twitches

**Twinges and Twitches **

**AN: This Chap is dedicated to one of my best friends and third leg, Livster (that's not really her name) just because she wrote a nice long review for my over-sensitive benefit. Thanks , Livs.**

Desperation is quite the common term between pubescent males , regularly it applies to all situations , academic as well as physical. (Mainly 'desperation' is the only way to refer to the lack of nighttime rendezvous) . It was no different for one un-brushed bushel of hair otherwise known as James Potter.

The fact that apple of his eye Evans had been unconscious and snoring happily for the past three days was the cause of this frustration. As was the usual. He found that the absence of annoyance and intellect in his day was quite immense and disturbing. So mostly, James spent his time with her. Even if she did snore unceremoniously and sleep-farted occasionally.

They'd abandoned him again , his faithful Marauders , and of course the 'omnipresent best friend' had as well. Unsurprisingly , after the fist long and gassy night , they had all left with the same pathetic excuse.

"I have very …peculiar sleeping habits, Prongs"

" Erm…yeah… me too"

" Peter says 'me three'"

" Well, Peter has quite the malformed brain"

"Shut up Danny!"

She crossed her arms , annoyed " I don't need a sodding excuse. I can just leave"

Sirius followed her swishing skirt with a look similar to the hungry glare of a stray dog.

" I…. got to.. got …." He began. " Oh sod it!" and faster than a well aimed quill , he sprung out the door.

" So ..er.. Peter… um.." fart. "We have really _bad_ sleeping habits" he said, vigorously nodding while cupping his nose.

" Peter thinks this is the perfect smell to wake up to in the morning"

" Rotting intestines?" Remus asked. " And why is Peter—you , why are _you_ speaking in third person?"

Peter smiled lewdly, Remus raised a brow and sighed wearily.

"We'll just be off to …erm…sleep , then" Remus winced, looking out at the sunny lake.

"Yes, sleep"

James nodded , waving a dismissive hand .

Remus glanced worriedly at his friend as Peter jogged cheerfully out of the Hospital Wing (all the while dictating to himself what 'Peter' was attempting to accomplish).

" James , you should really get out of here" he placed a comforting palm on his shoulder "Even if only to get some fume-lacking air, it really is an insufferable stench"

Finally wrenched from his gaze to a gaseous Lily, James spoke angrily.

"Never!" he proclaimed.

Remus nodded wordlessly and slipped from his side.

When his footsteps vanished from his hearing radius, James dropped from the uncomfortable metal chair onto the ground. His knees created a somewhat painful echo in the desolate hall.

He raised his arms to the arched ceiling and exclaimed loudly "WHY! Oh, why!" he sobbed loudly , sucking up bogeys into his nostrils with a massive force milliseconds before they grazed the floor. "Why? Why my graceful Lily?" fart. "WHY!"

"Mister Potter!"

Sniff…sniff… "Yes , Madam Pomfrey?"

" Will you cease scaring the healer out of me?"

" If I must" he replied solemnly, slowly dragging his bum back onto the metal chair beside a smiling Lily.

"And what is that infernal odor? Dungbombs in the Hospital Wing _again_ , Mister Potter?"

OoO

Let it not be said that a blossoming male youth cannot harbor any self-restraint in the company of an unconscious , pretty , and scantily dressed female. For it can be done , and has! (Gasp!) You see , James Potter , did neither touch nor sniff any unconscious female genitals , much less Lily Evans's.

He did , however , poke and prod her , under the pretence of causing a reaction in her unconscious state. He had to relieve himself somehow… why not let it be productive?

Of course the method had not been successful , unless one may count when James had poked the girl's perturbing , bloated lower abdomen , which resulted in a rather long and unwelcome series of 'air biscuits'.

He was starting to get severely irked by the situation, as well as bored.

His stomach growled viciously.

James sighed and looked longingly at Lily's peaceful face , he supposed he should be grateful she had not received any permanent damage from her encounters with the Cruciatus curse, but he wasn't. He was glad , sure , but he couldn't help thinking that there should not have been any possibility of Death Eater attacks inside Hogwarts. He smelled a rat , a foul scent , exceedingly unpleasant and possibly crisping his nose hairs.

Perhaps _that_ was Lily, but nonetheless , there was a traitor in Hogwarts , and he was suspecting the Death Eater posse inhabiting the dungeon dormitories. The snakes , in other words , the slimy Slytherin.

OoO

A week , a week unconscious. The mere thought scared the warmth from Lily's deformed big-toe , what happened? Did the world shift? Was Peter loveable? Was the Great Hall obliterated? Had Sirius's arse sagged?

She felt completely disoriented , and the fact that the pale blue walls of the Hospital Wing reminded her of a birthing room did nothing whatsoever to help the matter. She inhaled long, slow breaths while glancing about. There was a faint hum from the far corner , behind a screen , and she sighed contently. At least she wasn't alone.

"Excuse me?" she called

" Oh , Good heavens!" the woman screeched , dropping some empty flasks , " Awake so soon , Lily dear?"

Lily patiently dragged her body to a seating position that wasn't painful and nodded.

" Madam Pomfrey?"

" What was that dear?"

" I think I need a change of clothing"

" Why is that?" she asked , coming closer.

" I seem to have… relieved myself over the course of the week."

The nurse looked positively amused , though somewhat put off, " Well darling, I believe there is a bathroom down the hall"

"That's just a bit cruel"

" Obviously" she replied scandalously "It's what I'm paid for"

OoO

" HO! Miss Evans! Lovely to see you've returned to a conscious state!"

"Yes, Professor… I imagine it is…" Lily seemed a bit confused by his reaction.

" Professor Slughorn?"

" Yes Miss Weasley? What is it that you want?"

" Just wondering sir , if Lily may be allowed to take a seat"

"Ho! Of course!" he tittered nervously " Control your overexcitement Horace…."

"What was that , sir?" Lily asked amusedly .

"Nothing! Back to the lesson!" he gestured Lily to her regular seat beside Danny " Miss Evans , if you would please?"

" Now class, the potion we'll be brewing this fine , crisp and excitable morning is quite useful for those uncomfortable twitching fits that seem inevitable. First, if you would please look to the board…"

In the darkest corner of the dungeons classroom , sat those Marauders who , incidentally , were regretting their choice of seating.

"…rubbish!"

" No really , Moony, that's what I heard Sluggy say!"

" Sirius , Sluggy--Slughorn did not say 'for those miserable itches', he's too… Professor-like to make a useful potion!"

" Well then, what _did_ he say?"

"… I couldn't hear! In between Prongs's joyful sobbing and Wormy's snoring , I'll be lucky not to have scarred hearing!"

"…true" Sirius sighed.

OoO

"Chop Prongs , Damn you!"

" You are blocking my view of Lily's hair!" James exclaimed " Move Moony!"

" You can see that far?"

" Well… if you squint with your right eye , you can just see a little glimpse of red…"

Remus looked at his friend worriedly, but shrugged and joined him nonetheless,

"…hey! You're right!" he said excitedly "... you can just barely see it…"

"Ho! Young lads, hiding again, are we?" he laughed , as if the mere thought of it was unbelievable. " You nearly succeeded , had it not been for the ruckus that pudgy boy was making earlier—"

" You should be the _last_ person calling anyone pudg—"

Sirius clamped a hand over the round boy and laughed nervously .

Professor Slughorn nodded curtly and began again " As I was saying , had it not been for that EXCEEDINGLY PUDGY lad was producing earlier , I would've never spotted you" he smiled pleasantly as the three boys simultaneously glared at the object of ridicule.

" What have you done so far?" he boomed

" Oh…erm.."

" What Sirius means to say Professor is… lots … we've done lots ..." Remus said.

Peter nodded furiously and Slughorn rolled his eyes.

" Let us see it then" he said.

"Quick Prongs! Add the Newt toe wart shavings!" Sirius whispered rapidly .

" Are you sure that's what—"

"There is no time for arguments ignorant one!"

James glared murder onto his friend while he sprinkled massive amounts of newt toe wart shavings into the steaming cauldron.

For a minute , nothing happened , and they breathed a sigh of relief. It was cut short, though, as the cauldron … (from lack of a better word) puked out colossal numbers of puny shit-colored birds with vague resemblances to rats. They seemed to have been branded with pitifully drawn hearts on their wings…and anus's .They were evil. PURE EVIL.

Simultaneously, the hoard cocked their heads to the side to ( if that were possible) raise brows at a screeching human with nappy black hair. Then they took off squawking and relieving themselves on innocent students glancing curiously upward. Their leader squeaked loudly as they neared the front of the classroom and the flying feces swooped menacingly onto a red target.

" Danny, if you would please ignore the loud bangs and keep worki—EEK!"

The rats—birds pecked mercilessly at her head and arms as she screeched and flailed her palms at them.

" GET 'EM OFF! GETEMOFFGETEMOFF MEEEEEE!" she cried.

Danny looked at the scene (from a safe distance) with wild eyes, then she rocket back and forth on her seat "…. Damn pigeons and their violent legions…"

Meanwhile, in the darkest corner of the room…

" Swiftly Sirius ! Create a diversion!"

"Ay Ay, Moony!" he replied, happily saluting.

…

"Sirius ! Cease removing your shirt immediately!"

"But"

"CEASE!"

"But-"

"I BEG of you! Spare me!"

"Diversion-"

"My eyes! MY EYES!"

" Good Merlin lads! Can you not wait until you are in private?"

" No professor , it isn't like that—"

" Sure lad," he said patting his shoulder "Sure"

"Anyway! It appears that in his haste , Mister Potter managed to make a real potion!

Conveniently however , I have forgotten it's name and function!" the immense man chuckled " Though I do remember in my youth , when I released a legion of pigeons , much like those pecking Miss Evans on Minerva's skull…"

" So that's why she always has her hair up!"

" Correct lad! Oh.. it's _you _pudgy…ignore my enthusiasm, then"

"Hey--!"

"Sir?"

" Yes , Mister Black?"

" Is there any chance you'll assist James in the capture of the flying plague?"

Slughorn chuckled amusedly and replied… " Of course not , lad"

Sirius nodded and sat back down.

"Cockroach Cluster, anyone?" he asked.

" You wouldn't happen to have any Crystallized Pineapple, would you boy?"

" No sir"

" Then just give me those"

Remus stood watching worriedly as his nappy-haired friend jumped with his arms held high in amusing attempts to capture the evil creatures before they pecked and shat on his flame haired obsession.

OoO

The Hospital wing….AGAIN! She swore the pale blue wall were mocking her and snorting, how…rude.

She was alone , and though she preferred it at this embarrassing time , it was a bit frustrating. Where was her 'faithful' and 'caring' best friend when times were rough and socially suicidal? Sprinting out of the dungeons , that's where. She needed to become more social, it was inevitable , she _was _ Head Girl after all. Pecked Head girl.

" ARG!" she yelled angrily.

It had been Potter _again _, even now that they were friends he found it amusing to get her pecked painfully. She remembered in third year , when he'd charmed his Tarantula Treats to jab at her calves whenever she moved. She had been severely hurt by that incident, not to mention the fact that the licorice tarantulas reminded her of her own deceased pet.

" Back so soon"

"Apparently , I am not very popular"

"That much is obvious , dear"

Lily glared.

Madam Pomfrey laughed nervously " Jesting dear, merely jesting"

" Just heal me , nurse"

"Y-y-yes , dear"

OoO

She was just about to turn a corner when she banged her head into a passing student.

" Watch it , Mudblood!" the boy spat , then stalked away sulkily , glancing about nervously as if someone where about to make a grab for his potions textbook.

Lily followed him with her eyes , her expression incredulous.

OoO

James watched embarrassedly as a healed Lily walked into the Great Hall for lunch, then decided he needed to explain himself. He hadn't met for those murderous birds to peck her , as amusing a sight it was.

He continued ignoring his friends and got up from his meal. Soon he fell into step with Lily , whom was blushing madly and avoiding everyone's eye. She was muttering to herself and twitching profusely. It was quite a disturbing display.

"… so handsome"

James started listening intently.

" With his dark hair and dark eyes…." She sighed.

James smiled.

" He's tall too…"

He smiled dreamily as he compared his height to Lily's midget-like stance.

"And his voice….so.. _affecting_"

Well , he _had_ matured over the summer.

He was about to tap her shoulder and sweep her into a passionate snog-cession when she shifted her step and headed towards a different table. James stopped and glanced about him confusedly. He was right here, duh. Why was she walking away?

Seeing where she was headed , he quickly picked up the pace to intercept her before she landed on unknown territory. But , although he was a fantastic flier , he was rather

sloth-like on the ground and only reached Lily when she was avidly immersed in a conversation.

"…. love you Sevy"

" Get your hands off me , Mudblood!"

" Your hair… it's sooooo shiny" she replied fingering the ends, then wiping the grease on her skirt.

" And your face… so handsome…" she breathed, leaning in and colliding with his nose.

He grimaced, then squealed as Lily sat on his lap " Kiss me Sevy. Please?"

" I'll be contaminated!"

But he was too late , for Lily firmly planted her lips on his , creating such an immense sound of suction that he wondered if anyone had placed a sonorous charm on the scene.

Just when he began ignoring the fact that it was filth he was colliding lips with, Lily pulled away and screeched dramatically( not to mention horridly) Again, the sonorus charm. Oh and look , there's a livid Potter , surprise , surprise.

"Good Merlin!" she exclaimed , placing a hand to her lips " You smell like rotten fish!"

" I do _not _smell like feesh , Muddy"

"Pet name?" she spat disgustedly " It's _fish _, Snape" ( AN: Yes Livs, it's for you)

He looked at her , puzzled and said

"…feesh"

"No. FISH." She bit out.

"….Fe-eesh"

" Oh MERLIN!" she screeched , then stomped out of the Great Hall, stopping only to shove a frozen James so that he collided with the Slytherin table , splattering their meals onto their faces.

OoO

After missing all her afternoon lessons , a still-fuming , still inwardly gagging Lily , resisted the urge to stomp into the Great Hall for dinner. She knew not why , only that the phrase 'stomped' had been used in the previous paragraph. She flung the doors open and strode purposefully towards the staff table. She leaned over the table and began to whisper furiously into Professor Slughorn's ear.

He nodded curtly and stood , clearing his throat.

"Miss Evans would like for the Hogwarts community to know , that the event that transpired this noon ( for those of you whom do not remember , when she exchanged saliva with my potions prodigy , Mister Snape) was under the influence of a defective Potion brewed earlier this morning , by a Mister Potter. Also, a side note to Mister Potter, Miss Evans warns that if he should ever slip up and cause another batch of turd-colored winged rats to peck her repeatedly (whether on purpose or no), she will pour Flesh Eating Slug Repellent on his genitals in his sleep. That is all."

**AN : So.. ya like? Me like , it took me longer than usual because I was lacking inspiration and reviews . As I do now. –sob-sob-**


	11. Cheese, Cheering Charms and Chancy Outin

**Cheese, Cheering Charms and Chancy Outings**

**An: I LIVE! Hello? Is anyone still there , I'm sorry minions , I had a lazy –fit for the past… two or so weeks , but this chappie is amusing…or so I'm told , please don't de-nutrition me! I need your comments to survive!**

**Anyway…thanks for listening to my epileptic fit , I have quite a few every…two or so minutes…here's the chap!**

One week and then another . Finally favoritism was established and clearly labeled , if it was not before. While in every class , gossip was frowned upon , it was never so mortally wounding as in Potions , where it was treated with the highest disdain and a generous dose of Puking Drought. However cruel this might seem , the Head Girl did not so much as move a toe to stop it , and her supposed partner in crime ( the Head Boy) was still in a stupor and a living insomniac, so did nothing but grunt and faint upon a steady surface.

Things were back to normal. And with normality , came the cold , the dreaded cold that reached the darkest corners and the warmest room . Bitches. Nevertheless , the resident psychotic and schizophrenic , (consequently , Head Girl as well) was bundling up for an early morning stroll on the recently _iced_ and _frozen_ grounds.

That was early autumn in Hogwarts for you. Luckily she loved it , and her peers tolerated it , so they survived , and this was the last year to come close to dying in less than comfortable surroundings.

Lily wrapped the third scarf around her lower half, she'd found that if she could block the wind entrance from the hem of her coat, her genitalia would conserve warmth for a longer fraction of a second. She smiled as she gazed upon her reflection , she looked like a demented Walrus would if wrapped in extensive amounts of fabric.

Danny snored , and Lily remembered she was not alone. It wasn't light yet , and it was a Saturday. However annual this excursion might be , Danny did not wake on weekends before the dinner bell toll rang , it was a dangerous and foolish thing to try. She'd learned that in first year, second day of school, actually.

OoO

" _Beware the sleeping midget!"_

"_Who are you?"_

" _A friend , firstie , an ally"_

" _Arthur, what are you doing?"_

"_Helping this poor girl"_

" _Corrupting firsties?"_

" _No Molly! Just warning this girl about my sister"_

"_She's befriended her then?"_

"_Yes dear"_

"_Ah. Well then , continue"_

_Lily stood quiet , watching the taller seventh years with disbelief laced with some disgust._

" _Listen firstie , and listen well. The Midget will not be woken, understand?"_

" _What kind of way is that to refer to your sister?"_

" _That is hardly the point , ickle firstie"_

" _It is so , how would you like it if I called you deformedly tall?"_

" _Um…. I wouldn't"_

"_Exactly"_

_Molly began to chuckle ._

" _Listen , Arthur, is it?" the boy nodded " and listen well, I am not going to mangle with the first friend I've made , and neither are you"_

_Arthur nodded._

" _Now leave"_

" _I was just—"_

" _Lets go Arthur, you seem to be incapable of bestowing wisdom upon firsties"_

" _Yes Molly dear"_

OoO

Of course the following morning she'd tried the theory out, and had shaken Danny awake. The screeches still made echoes today , and the bruising was still visible on occasion. Never again, she'd promised .Which is why she was imitating the phrase 'silent as the grave' as she laced her boots.

Afraid for her life , she crawled out the door , stealthy as a niffler with a missing leg , wobbling and somewhat irritated. On the last step of the stair case, she let out a breath she was conscious of holding , and confidently made a noisy inhale. It was pleasures and rituals like this that made her simple life as a witch enjoyable ( anyone else would simply say she had an advanced case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

Someone snickered , and Lily had that creepy crawly sense when you have déjà vu . It isn't pleasant , it isn't enjoyable , and it was certainly disturbing her annual ritual.

" Potter" she said "You enjoy displaying stalker-like behavior , don't you?"

His head appeared in the far left corner , revealing him sitting by the fire.

" Of course , how else could I earn my reputation as the resident rapist?"

She shook her head , then said. " I'm about to trod off into the wilderness" she puffed out her chest.

" By that you must mean that you , like every other year, have finally lost your mind and are planning to commemorate It's memory by committing suicide in the frozen lake?"

" You boys are such sissies, my great-grandmother once _skied_ one of the Himalayas" she exclaimed proudly

"Is the darling _alive_?"

" Well… um … no—"

"HA! See , we aren't sissies , _you're_ just suicidal"

"She didn't die _because_ of skiing the Himalayas, you blundering twit"

" Ahh, but she still is buried deep within the ground, so the cause is of no consequence"

" Well, you're wrong" she persisted stubbornly .

" How is that?"

"She was cremated , and her ashes were scattered in her house"

" That's… strange…"

Lily crossed her arms and grimaced.

" I know. I haven't been there since I was seven , but it smelled like molding cheese and rotting furniture"

" And not of dear ol' great-grandma? Or did she usually expel and aroma of moldy cheese and furniture?"

" Shut your face Potter , that's disrespectful"

"The circumstances are humorous , how can you expect me to contain myself?"

She uncrossed her arms and leaned her weight on one leg , raising a brow at him as she twirled her thumbs in thought.

" I can't I guess. What _can_ you laugh at if you can't laugh at psychotic elderly people?" she answered , sitting on the sofa by him.

" That's what I always say"

After some minutes of amicable silence , Lily stood .

" I'm off then James , do try to not reduce the castle to dust before I return"

She began to stride towards the portrait hole when she felt a tug at her sleeve.

" Wait!" James called

"What? I have to go outside , it's tradition"

" No, it's not that…" he looked to his lap

" Why are you staring at your crotch, James?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm not!" he cried indignantly

" I saw you!"

" You have bad sight!"

" This coming from a boy whom once mistook me for an unusually large tangerine?"

"Heh-heh , well…" he coughed "…your um…hair?"

" My hair is tangerine colored?" she asked incredulously , pulling a dark red strand in front of her eyes in an over extravagant manner.

He looked at it for what seemed to be ages , squinting his eyes and making an odd face

"…somewhat" he said lamely , offering her a smile in apology.

"You barmy toe-wrap" she retorted affectionately.

He blushed femininely and coughed into his fist, " Anyway, I was just wondering if I could join you…"

"Outside?" she squeaked.

"Erm…yes?"

" But-but...it's...cold!"

"Thank you Lady Obvious , or are you disguising yourself as Captain Oblivious?"

" Oh, witty" she said sarcastically.

" I know. I am."

" And modest too" she added , nodding.

" So can I come?" he eagerly clapped his hands.

" Yeah, yeah. It's just…odd, is all"

" What is?"

"You…_wanting_ and _offering _to accompany me on another daft outing"

" Well I've always _wanted_ to come"

" Really?"

"Yeah, it's just well…" he scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably " You would've bitten off my testicles if I'd asked"

She looked at him unbelievingly and began ranting at furious speeds "I wouldn't have! I would've been nice! I would have probably agreed—" she stopped suddenly and chuckled, then laughed heartily. " You're right James, those would've probably been my exact words." She clapped his back "Amazing what self-delusion can do to one , isn't it?"

James was staring eerily at her hand on his shoulder , perhaps because she was so much shorter than him and he was in a painful position , or perhaps because even through her five pairs of fluorescent mittens , he still felt a tingly sensation.

"…quickly then" she smiled in encouragement.

He shook his head , as if to rid it of less than useful thoughts. "What was that , Lily?"

" I said go and put on some clothing …" she counted on her fingers , tapping them against her mouth "Five or six layers I think, trust me Prongs, you'll need 'em"

And with such a dismissal , he bounded up the stairs. Only when with a loud and painful screech he landed on the Common Room carpet did he realize , he had enthusiastically bounced up the wrong set of staircases.

OoO

Lily was not sure what species bounced down the stairs that led to the boy's dormitories. It certainly was not the same one she'd dismissed some fifteen minutes ago. It was big , it was round and it gargled occasionally. It also seemed to have been blessed with mittens more grotesque than the ones grazing her fingers.

"…James?" she questioned carefully.

A pink cotton face mask gargled, while a scarf lazily unlaced itself from the bubble's waist.

With much difficulty , the thing reached for it's face (or what she believed to be it's face) and tugged unceremoniously.

Off came the feminine face mask , and a couple hats. Finally , a bundle of scarves with untamable black hair and lopsided spectacles spoke.

" I have arrived!" he exclaimed , skipping ( and tripping on the extensive amounts of fabric that covered his lower half) close to her " I am ready!...teeeheee"

She raised a brow , and James pointed at her face and laughed.

" Look arse-face , this pointing and laughing does nothing whatsoever positive for my self esteem—"

"HAHAhehehee"

" What the bloody hel—"

"Lily is funny , Lily is funny. I'll bet you anything she tastes like…." He scratched his scarf (where he believed his chin to be) then with a triumphant fist in the air "HONEY!"

" James" she began calmly " My name is not a mantra—"

"Lily, Lily, bananilly, manilly, canilly , vanilly –"

" Shut up you CRAZED FIEND!"

" OOOooooo, Lily cuss! Bad Lily! Lily is cussy, sounds like hussy , who is really a puss—"

" NOT ONE MORE WOR—"

"Hahahahhehehehehah"

Finally , Lily knew what must be done. She smacked him. Several times. On his arse.

While she had James draped over her knee like a nagging , miserable and downright spoiled child , she realized this scene would most likely be misinterpreted. Two adolescent dressed in conspicuous amounts of clothing spanking each other? That's patented fetish if she'd ever heard of one. And that was a ridiculous idea. Lily Evans , power-mad and cannibalistic Head Girl extraordinaire did not have fetishes, it would ruin her reputation (especially with the younglings, for they so looked up to her). She smacked his bum once more for good measure, then shoved the giggling teenager onto the rug.

" Have you been drugged , Potter?"

He shook his head and bounced with silent laughter.

"Why are you so insufferably…giddy , then?"

He stopped for a second cocking his head to the side and smiling widely.

She barely had the time to protest before he muttered a spell into her open chest.

OoO

When they skipped out of the portrait hole, they were holding hands…well they were holding several layers of itching cotton mittens to be technical, but they didn't mind , so why should we?

They were holding hands when James had passed the kitchen's tapestry and demanded ( with much giggly effort) large amounts of Chocolate Cheesecake. They were holding hands when Lily had been nearly urinating on herself ( due to the large quantities of Butterbeer she'd consumed on James's less than mature encouragements ("I'll bet I can chuck butterbeer faster than you can! Hehehehahahahehaha" " We'll see turd-mouth!")) then finally when she _was _urinating , they were holding hands. Though it did seem like a good idea at the time , quickly they found it to be a bit…uncomfortable( they'd left the door to the stall slightly ajar so that Lily could relieve herself while still grasping his hand.) The discomfort was highly amusing in their inebriated and bewitched state.

They giggled as they snuck 'stealthily' through the hallways , rolled like in the muggle spy movies and sung severely out of tune whenever they deemed a passageway safe for trespass.

Unfortunately, the pair never made it out of the castle , one reason being their renewed amusement in everything not in the least comical , another being the fact that they passed out simultaneously in mid-jog down the fifth floor corridor. It was quite cold.

OoO

James's head hurt. Like hell. Also, his ability to think of highly witty similes was obliterated due to the fact that his brain had still not caught on to the fact that he wasn't sloshed anymore. Phooey.

He shook his mittens off and yanked the scarves from his body. Breathing an exaggerated breath he slapped his palm onto the floor. He'd been trying to act emotional and sensitive-like for his own benefit ( he regularly tried to delude himself into believing he had a larger emotional range than a pumpkin pastry) and his palm landed in a puddle.

James wasn't sure what it was but the substance was certainly not one he spent time daily with.

He was right of course, he didn't spend much time with Lily Evans's saliva, unless it was attached to a small and delicately chewed blob of parchment that was blown onto his cheek from across the History of Magic classroom. He squirmed and watched a mob of voluminous fabric with a hint of red hair expel more and more drool. The sight wasn't repulsive to him , for he'd welcome any peep of Lily he could get, but he imagined a sprawled blob of cotton spewing considerable amounts of an unknown substance upon a student corridor floor could be a bit disturbing .

So he flung his freed hand down his coat and moved it about , as if feeling for something.

To anyone else the sight would've resembled that of a male teenager without any self-restraint and conspicuous amounts of vanity. Finally with a cheerful cry, he pulled out a silvery sheet of velvet.

When he draped it over the mob , it disappeared, then in went his head , arms and legs , until he was completely lost and all that could be heard in the land was excessive cursing and sleepy snoring.

OoO

After he'd dropped Lily off at the Hospital Wing and explained to Madam Pomfrey why exactly she let out a demented giggle every two or so minutes. Apparently, unnecessary cheering charms can have a reaction from the recipient similar to that of muggle drugs. He'd quickly been cured , and scolded , much like routine. But Poppy had decided to keep the Head Girl until she awoke , just because she'd like to see the reaction of the highly scrutinizing teenager when she laid eyes on the freshly painted _beige_ walls of the Hospital Wing.

He pushed the portrait hole tiredly and silently made his way across it , when he heard a familiar clearing of a throat.

" Morning Prong ol' boy"

" Pads" he nodded , stuffing his cloak into an inner pocket.

" Anything wrong?" James asked.

"No, but I should be asking you if anything is _right_"

" Pads , you are making no sense—"

" Listen twat licker , don't go around the subject!"

" Hey.. wait a minute , why twat licker?"

Sirius waved an impatient hand " First thing that came to mind. Now , tell me , did you shag her?"

"Who?"

Sirius laughed " 'Who' he says , as if their was anyone else he made shrines for." He sighed exasperatedly.

" Lily!"

" Nahhhh, I meant Peter" he said sarcastically.

James started to open and close his mouth at tremendous speeds, but they were lacking in sound , and only made a slight pop whenever he opened his mouth again, which only served as a confirmation to his friend.

" Did she give you any STQ?" Sirius asked curiously " I always leave before they can. Birds always ask awkward thing like 'take a picture?' 'where is this relationship going?' and 'can I keep these bed sheets?'"

" Wha…….?" James managed to whisper.

" What is it Prongs? Do you not know what STQs are?" he gasped in mock shock " I'll enlighten you. It's a terms used frequently by sexually active lads …, well I suppose I can call you one too then… anyhow , it stand for 'Sexually Transmitted Questionnaires, otherwise known as , the morning after"

Sirius clapped James on the back , saying amicably " Come my small but hefty sexually active lad , I shall teach you the ways"

" Sirius, I don't—"

" No need to thank me mate, that's why I'm here" he sighed and wiped a false tear " Though I'd never thought I'd see the day…."

" Sirius, please. I didn't—"

" Get her impregnated? I should think not , Prongs. Even a youngling as yourself should know the proper way to perform an anti-contraception charm"

James tugged his hair with his fist and let loose a wild cry.

" How is it that you can even have a sexual life?" Sirius asked , stroking a month old fuzz on his chin , " What happened to Limp James Junior?"

" I DO NOT HAVE AN ERECTILE DISFUNCTON!"

" Sure lad , sure."

" I don't"

" Of course"

"This conversation is starting to sound familiar—"

"WAS THAT POTTER!"

" Was that Danny?" James questioned Sirius desperately.

Sirius nodded and pointed out the window. James shook his head and Sirius sighed exasperatedly and pointed out of the portrait hole.

" Save yourself!" Sirius called after him.

" I WILL GNAW ON HIS BONES!"

" I suggest you never return!"

**AN: Well, that's all folks! **

**For NOW…..**

**DUN DUN DUN! **

**Need I tell you to press the review button? Apparently so. **

**DO IT!**

**I SAY DO IT, DAMN YOU!**


	12. A Vengeful Lily is a Forgetful One

**A Vengeful Lily is a Forgetful One**

**An: This chap is absurdly long , so I hope you are happy . I like it , especially the part-- **

_Dear Diary,_

_Today , I have gotten my chance for vengeance. It is sweet , oh is it sweet! Never again shall I have another student threaten me! No sir! I shall scare the complaints out of her! That child is a spawn of the most anal of wizards , I say. She has done nothing but criticize and threaten me since she came into this Hospital Wing . But no more! Mocking blue walls she says? Blue no longer! The beige shall haunt her! Traumatize her, even! I swore to Merlin I would never return to my sadistic ways ,but what can one mere child say? I'll simply blame it on sickly hallucinations . Merlin knows I've done it before .Ha. Hahahahahahah. MUAHAHAHA—_

There was a loud and severely disturbing screech echoing throughout the Hospital Wing , and Madam Pomfrey smiled scarily. She had but one patient . Serenely, as if her eardrums were not protesting in pain , she lay her quill down beside the thin red book she'd been writing furiously in. Drumming her fingers together , she strode from her office with a calm and strangely satisfied air, only heightened when she finally reached her workplace.

" Good evening, Ms. Evans—"

"BEIGE!"

"Well, yes dear , I had the walls repainted—" Madam Pomfrey looked scandalized as the flame-haired teenager stood upon her bed and began to hop repeatedly , pointing an angry finger at the surrounding walls.

" EVIL! Pure and harnessed EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!" she screeched , hopping.

"What child?" the nurse looked a bit apprehensive.

"The color! It is so…blanched!...and mocking! They laugh , oh how crazily they laugh!"

" Lily , I assure you the walls are quite silent—"

" NO! I AM NOT HEARING YOU!"

" Miss Evans , please be so kind as to keep your voice down—"

She was very shocked at being cut off mid-sentence again , but more by the fact that she'd been silenced by Miss Evans's body landing heavily upon her head.

"GET OFF ME!"

"The WALLS! Stop your chatter , you monstrous gossiping creatures!" the child yelled angrily.

There was a strange silence, then Lily gasped dramatically, as if offended,

" I do _not_ sleep around!"

Silence.

" Merlin curse your sarcastic blabber!" she gasped indignantly.

" Watch your language!" she responded after a few minutes cricketing.

" Please cease speaking , Miss Evans"

"Madam Pomfrey?" Lily glanced about , but seeing nothing , she shrugged and returned her gaze to the wall opposing her.

"Over here!" the nurse called tersely , as if holding back a great bellow.

"Where?" Lily whispered shakily.

" Under you"

Sure enough , when she looked beneath her buckled knees , there lay a rather….annoyed and disgruntled looking nurse , shoeprint imbedded onto her face.

" Strange I didn't notice you there" Lily commented lightly as she helped Poppy to her feet.

Madam Pomfrey narrowed her eyes, "Yes. Strange." she replied shortly.

" Was I sleep walking?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now. Please. EXCUSE. ME." She stomped out of the Hospital Wing , slamming the door to her office with great fury.

Lily looked on curiously as Madam Pomfrey screeched and banged a table against the glass of the door.

Startled , she looked about her , then called loudly ,

" Hey! You painted the walls! I like 'em!"

" Why! Oh why , Merlin , why!"

OoO

_Sunday. The girl's been quiet for the past couple hours , I've counted. I've not slept , but no matter. Healer Pomfrey need not sleep , she is untouchable. However , I have discovered that the so-called paranoia of the twittering child is not completely bonkers . One gets time to experiment when alone in a Hospital Wing. The walls , they are quite talkative. Friendly, even. Had not that spawn of pure insanity scared them into silence , I would have spoken with them sooner. They seem to be quite knowledgeable on the latest Hogwarts gossip, you know , who's the latest Slughorn favorite , Sirius Black's love life , Peeves's strange conquests and so on. Either that , or I've gone completely barmy in the company of such a severe psychotic—_

"EEEEEEKKKKKKK!"

"Oh , Merlin . What is it _now_ child?"

"It's all BEIGE!"

Madam Pomfrey sighed into her earl grey , it would be a long morning. Carefully placing her cup so that she couldn't damage the china , whether she went off venting her frustration or not, she strode from her office.

"Miss Evans" she began coolly "I thought we'd established yesterday that I had repainted the walls"

The girl wasn't responding , she was simply staringin shock at her clothing and linens.

Poppy was about to ask what was so perturbing about them when she noticed their color, everything's color , actually. Beige. Her clothes , shoes, get-well cards , hair , nails , you name it.

"Did you do that darling?"

She shook her head then said, "I absolutely loathe the color"

Madam Pomfrey looked a bit startled at the vehemence in her tone and asked ,

"Why dear?"

" It's my sister's favorite color"

"So?"

"I loathe my sister. I hope she implodes and falls into a manhole leading to the fiery pits of the Earth's core"

"Ah."

…

"Madam Pomfrey , are my teeth beige?"

"Yes dear"

At the moment , she made quite the picture . Hospital clothing , beige hair flaring about her like a rampaging Medusa. Her rage was only fueled a few minutes later when she found a cocky logo at the edge of her beige robe.

_J.P., darling._

_KISSES!_

_HUGS! _

_AND ANY OTHER FORM OF INTERACTION!_

She screamed to the ceiling , damming her ego-maniac friend to the most horrid locations known to all wizard kind and twisting the robes in her hands until her palms were red and sweaty.

"Child , please! Put those robes back on!"

" I will wear nothing sabotaged by James Potter!" she called proudly.

" Then don't! Just put something on!" she screeched , covering her eyes " I did not become a healer to admire naked pubescent _females_!"

OoO

Her mind screamed revenge, with such force she was sure her peers heard the noisy echoes. It had take Madam Pomfrey nearly all morning to change her back to normal coloring. She could not walk normally anymore , for with every step she stomped , imagining the floor and occasional child to be James's face. She couldn't talk to anyone either, perhaps it was a prank of phenomenal proportions , or perhaps she was just insane ( the latter was more probable) but everyone seemed to be conspiring against her.

Breakfast, for example.

There she was , humming angrily like every other marauder filled morning when a small and unrecognizable male ( perhaps fifth-year but , what did it matter to a furious Lily?) asked

" Can you pass the beige , Lily?"

"What?"

"The beige , can you pass it?"

" Listen you demented dwarf of a wizard, I don't know who put you up to this , but I do not find it in the least bit amusing—"

" 'ello Lilers"

"Danny!"

"Yes!" she said mockingly.

" Fine giraffe! Don't pass the dammed beige!" the insignificant ankle biter huffed to the end of the table where he dramatically made a grab for a plate of butterscotch pudding, glaring at Lily all the way.

"What did you do doll?"

" Nothing!" she said indignantly " Honestly! Children these days are so sensitive!"

" He's a sixth year"

"…..and your point is?"

Danny laughed ,and glanced down the table.

" Lils, call Beige for me, will you?"

Lily shook her head confusedly "What?"

"Call Beige over , I want to ask her about our Herbology assignment"

"Not you too!"

"What did I do?" Danny looked annoyed , so lifted herself off her seat and walked over to her Herbology partner, Belinda Borsht .

That was the point where she'd decided the world had rallied against her for a day , and that she must leave their company before they started throwing paint balls.

However, as she hurriedly crossed the Great Hall , many students decided to catch her as she made her stealthy escape.

" 'Morning Beige!"

" I just finished my beige , what a relief!"

"Hello Carl , I just came from the beige"

"Beige! So nice to see you before class!"

"Hey! There goes the Beige Girl , wonder why she looks so murderous."

OoO

She was pacing irritably in front of a rather violent portrait , muttering to herself . After her quick flight from the Great Hall , she'd been quite paranoid.

"Must get revenge…. Painful….perhaps grotesque…. I need a phobia ….yes …good Lily and …..and some slime, because well….if al else fails , he'll still be disgusted…." She chuckled quietly to herself , raising her arms in a gesture of triumph.

"Madam Head Girl?"

Her eyes widened and she took out her wand , "Who's there?"

"Us , Madam Head Girl"

" Show yourself ! I can assure you , I am quite able to curse the life out of you" she said confidently, adding quietly to herself "..if you aren't already dead, I mean"

She felt a tug at her sock , and her gaze drifted downward , there, by her feet , were thirty or so midgets , grinning evilly.

" Who are you?" she said , annoyed . She shook one off her sock with a fierce kick, he flew to the opposite wall with a barely audible 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek' then 'thud' and a simultaneous gasp.

"Well?" she asked leaning down and brushing her leg where the imp had scratched her "is anyone going to answer me?"

" That was our leader" a small one said.

" Where's Tommy when yer need 'im , eh boyo?" a rather hairy one called from the back.

"Where's the second-in-command?"

" Potty break!" an even smaller one said , zipping his miniscule trousers and strutting up to Lily's shoe lace .

"I'm Tommy" he said " the second in command" his puffed out his chest and held out a tiny hand.

Lily gave him her finger and the boy shook it vigorously.

"Before we can get to business, I must make sure our leader is incapable of commanding" he made his statement very formal, as if having rehearsed it numerous times .

"Lieutenant!"

"Yes sir!" a teeny girl saluted.

"What is the current status of our commander in chief?"

She looked embarrassed for a second and muttered a slight 'excuse me' , then ran to the opposite wall, kicked the previous leader and ran back.

"Sam's not waking up , Tommy"

The boy narrowed his eyes and she seemed to get the message.

" Commander is unable to lead, sir!" she clicked her heels " What do you suggest we do with him sir? He can't move"

" Yes, well, just leave him there"

Lily cleared her throat.

" _Now _will you tell me who you are , and _why_ half of you are the size of my shoes?"

"Yes I will , Madam Head Girl"

…

"Anytime soon?"

"Oh! Yes, of course" he cleared his throat "We are first-years"

Lily stared at them blankly then said "How stupid do you believe me to be, gnome? Even First-years aren't as tiny as you"

"No! No, you misunderstand me. We use to be taller, until a certain group of seventh years decided to use us as testing subjects for shrinking charms" he said angrily , but then added proudly "Why , our own Andrew Slickbickle was the tallest in our class , almost three feet five inches"

" Let me guess the certain group" she said sarcastically " Does it start with an 'M' and end with a 'arauders'?"

The bambino nodded "Precisely"

Lily chuckled , brain already clicking and formulating schemes, "So you are a vengeful batch of midget-y first-years" she said.

They all nodded.

" Here here!"

" You're killing the moment , O'Grady!"

"Shush ,cherubs!" Lily said , putting a finger to her lips " Please be so kind as to join me in a minute of maniacal laughter"

"Now take your cue…MUAHAHAHA—

OoO

At four in the afternoonMadam Pomfrey accompanied Remus Lupin , the resident werewolf , to his monthly accommodations. The boy looked a wreck , his head hanging limply to the side and his breath coming in labored gasps. He was leaning his weight heavily on her and it was a slow process.

Even from the height of the Gryffindor Tower's windows , the boy's obvious distress was evident . The marauders watched like hungry hawks , as they did every month , until both shadowy figures disappeared around the castle corner and a little later , one returned.

Silently , Peter tore his gaze from the darkening grounds and smiled at his remaining friends. They nodded in response , and he transformed. As the obese rat crawled with significant effort through the portrait hole, the Marauders left disappeared under their invisibility cloak .

Some twenty minutes later ,an inexplicable shadow of what seemed to be an unusually large cloaked figure , closely followed by a massive rat hurried across the dark lawns, disappearing behind the bend of the castle wall.

A curiously miniscule First-year observed the phenomenon from the Head's Common Room , fearfully keeping it to himself since , their newly appointed leader (of much larger proportions) was lecturing on the importance of following instructions when doing such a sizeable project. The boy didn't say anything because, the child whom had just caused quite a ruckus mistakenly grabbing onto the wrong end of a dung-bomb and causing it to explode, was sobbing and shrinking under the wrath of the Head Girl.

"…idiotic thing to do , it is clearly labeled , did you not see the 'THIS SIDE UP' , girl?"

Sheshook her head.

Lily sighed , this was the burden of leadership , incompetent trainees.

"Alright girl, but please remember to read all labels on magic packages before hurtling them across the room"

The girl began to nod her head repeatedly, then stopped suddenly , raising her head to protest

"Hey, I didn't throw the bomb across the room. That was O'Grady!"

Lily raised a brow " O'Grady said he saw the bomb thrown and grabbed incorrectly by you"

"He's a liar , Madam Head Girl. An Irish potato-crazed fiend—"

O'Grady clamped a hairy hand over her mouth, smiling widely "The girl's delusional, Madam Head Girl . Don't know what she's on about ,eh?" he nodded to himself "Well, neither do I" he chuckled.

" Just make your escape O'Grady"

"Aye , I'll be doing that"

"Now!" she snapped . The gnome wobbled away , along with his kicking companion , laughing nervously.

Lily wiped her brow and sighed again, looking around at her small (literally!) army , knitting and excitedly whispering to each other. She shook her head and smiled. Revenge had turned out to be quite…fun , not to mention empowering.

"Alright!" she clapped her hands " Gather , moppets!"

Quickly she was surrounded then she asked "Are the nets done?"

A portion of the midget-mob nodded simultaneously and she smiled at them (causing a heavy sigh of relief ) and asked another portion

" Where's the bait?"

She had to wait several minutes until one child shot from the crowd looking for the said individual, she came back with a blabbering, wailing and bogey-ample bait.

"Tommy! Merlin damn you Tommy , you're a Gryffindor!"

"But-but –bu-t I don't WANT TO!"

"Get yourself together , mate!" Slap. "OW!" Slap .Slap .Slap .Sla—

" I think that's enough Lieutenant"

The girl nodded embarrassedly and pulled the sobbing midget-male to his feet.

" Don't despair , Second-in-Command, I was merely going to inform you of your replacement"

Tommy shot to the balls of his feet , reaching the hem of her skirt and begun to kiss it vigorously .

"Thank you! Oh , thank you , Madam Head Girl!"

"That's enough, Tomm—"

"I'll light every candle in your shrine , and—"

Lily pried his hands forcefully from her hem and whispered "Stop now before I hurtle you in the lake"

"hehehahahhaha…" he trailed off and crawled into fetal position , rocking back and forth.

" Now , where's O'Grady?"

" Here ,oh darling Madam Head Girl!"

" You shall be the bait, go put on the silver robes"

"Me?" he stopped hopping eagerly and began to sniffle "W-w-why?"

Lily tapped her chin as if thoughtfully "…well, to be truthful, I believe you set off that dung-bomb and… your name annoys me"

" Kermit?"

"……yes…"

OoO

She had all the midgets lined up around the perimeter of the lake holding nets, O' Grady levitated above it in his silver suit to attract the grindylows , when she noticed the moon. Lily had only to gaze over to the forbidden forest to figure they had company , and not enough time to make a mad dash into the castle. She looked at the thirty concentrating faces , tiny and innocent and she made up her mind.

She levitated O'Grady into the crowd and leaned down beside a close child and whispered

"Drop the nets and back up slowly into the castle , I'll cover you. Pass it on"

The child looked perplexed and startled , but nodded . She whispered it to her curious companion and like the shit hitting the fan , everyone was soon informed.

They moved like a herd of sheep. Lily at the back , glancing over her shoulder every once in a while. The group was getting around the curve of the lake when Remus made his appearance at the edge of the forest with a cheerful howl. By his side was a stag , on his back was a dog and Lily suspected there was a rat lingering by.

The First-years screamed in horror and Lily cursed loudly, turning around with her wand grasped in her hand. She saw Prongs trying to divert the attention of Moony by slamming his antlers into his ribcage to no avail, she saw Padfoot lunge off of the werewolf's back and bark at him, in vain. She'd frozen with her wand so tightly grappled in her hand that it was changing color, the midgets were running so quickly that they were tripping over each other and plastering companions to the fresh night grass.

The werewolf however , seemed to be looking at them with a quizzical brow , and howled again. This only caused further frenzy , which Moony was amused by. But instead of tearing through the grounds making hungry attempts at catching unusually sized students , the werewolf merely made a (or what seemed to be) wicked grin and shrug, turning his back to the escaping prey and running into the forest.

Padfoot shook his head at her before chasing after him , as if severely disappointed. The stag was watching her , it's head held high and mightily , like a weapon. She lowered her gaze with a sigh, her wand as well. When she looked up to wave goodbye , the stag was in front of her , it's nostrils flared and heaving.

He transformed , a sight both ghastly and miraculous , and walked towards her. James was angry , she could tell by the way his arms swung like pendulums. He stopped , crossing his arms , daring her to say something. She looked up at him , ashamed, then he spoke.

"Never do that again" he looked as if he wanted to say something else , more important somehow , and less evident in his terse and crude tone.

"Ever" he nodded , uncrossing his arms and running them through his hair.

Lily was suddenly angry , realizing with some disgust that he had no right to be mad.

" I wouldn't _be_ here if it wasn't for _you_" she said acidly , turning on her heel she trampled to the castle entrance , where she glanced back slightly. Lily scoffed , thinking angrily of the nerve of some people after her gaze glided seamlessly over the moonlit grounds , colliding with nothing and no one.

**An: **

**--about the midgets. They were fun to write. Don't they sound like great pets? Except…well.. they'll be considered more like…slaves. Too Bad , O'Grady sounds like a marvelous dog.**

**Hope ya liketed it .**

**Oh and yes, I would like you to review. Thank you for asking.**


	13. Oh the Beauty of Slavic GOATS

**Oh, the Beauty of Slavic—**

**GOATS**

**An: Hey! I'm Back again! This vacation is doing wonders for my writing (not to mention I'm bored out of my skull( I went to the bathroom last night just for a change of atmosphere))**

**Anyway here's another chapster! **

" 'Ello my name vis Elllda"

"Elda?"

"No, vis ELLDA"

He shook her hand excitedly. The girl was quite beautiful, so had struck the interest of the impressionable Sirius Black, despite the rumors he'd been told.

"—Well _I_ heard she came from one of those towns where she has to chip ice just to get to the corner Apothecary"

" I heard that one too , _and_ that she has a pet goat"

" No bloody way!"

"Uh-huh, 'cept it died last winter. Apparently , she chipped it's head off on the way to her grandmother's house"

"How sad"

"I _know_, can you imagine? Just the thought of eating it afterward—"

"Wait. Wait, you're telling me she _ATE_ it after she found it?"

" Well, of course. Her family needed _food _, darling. I mean sure, it was frozen and such , but what would _you_ have done?"

"I wouldn't have _EATEN_ the poor anima—"

" Hello boys"

"Goats?"

"No , darling nothing to do with goats" he said , tucking her hand into the crook of his arm.

She smiled shyly and said "My name vis Ellda"

"Hello Sirius , Elda" the Ravenclaw nodded to both.

The girl's face suddenly revealed a nasty scowl , and she began to screech in her deep and scarcely feminine voice

"ELLDA! VIS ELLDA! NO, _IELDA_!"

Lily lifted her head from her book slightly , looking for the source of the noise. The Library was usually barely more audible than an Egyptian tomb, but ever since Professor Vectors' niece had turned up , there was whispering , snickering , noisy drooling and incomprehensible imitations of merry goats.

Madam Pince was hurtling romance novels at speeds beater's would be envious of (and subject to , since they were the ones being pelted with them) , trying to find the trashiest and most popular ones (novels) more quickly than the gossiping mouths could open. She did not succeed , but was quite amusing to behold.

The Head Girl sighed and glared at the surrounding students , burying herself deeper into _Discussion of Essential Spells and Preparation for Arithmacy Incantations ( Re-print_) or , for short _D.E.S.P.A.I.R_..

"What were you THINKLING, Lily?"

She looked up , startled , and was about to reply when,

"OUT! BOTH of you! Banned , BANNED from the library , I say!"

Lily looked shocked " But Madam Pince, it's N.E.W.T.S. this year!"

" You should have thought of _that_ before conversing in a LIBRARY!"

She picked up her broom and whacked Lily over the head with it , it looked as if whacking relieved some tension , for she did it again , and again , again , then once more, until Lily was completely befuddled and out of librarian territory. However, once she had heaved for a couple seconds , she began whacking Danny , whom was right behind her.

Lily was outside the oak doors , nursing her head and pondering on the ideal of returning to the Hospital Wing permanently , when Danny exited the Library (forcefully). She glared at her , rubbing her head forcibly.

"Lily?" Danny asked , extending her hand out in front of her like a blind person.

"Why are you doing that?" Lily spat.

" I'm not sure it's safe to be in a close perimeter to you"

Lily snorted and smiled slightly , which Danny took as a gesture of peace , so lowered her arms.

"You know I want to yell at you darling"

Lily nodded and sighed dejectedly "I have no idea why though"

Danny raised a brow and began to walk quickly down the corridor.

The Head Girl was beginning to get quite frustrated so hastened after her.

"What _exactly_ did I do wrong?" Lily asked venomously , tugging on Danny's forearm .

She wrenched her arm away and narrowed her eyes " You went gallivanting off grounds with twenty seven firsties, for one , on a FULL MOON, no less. What do you expect me to be ,congratulatory?"

"No." Lily spat, "I expect you to ask me why I did it"

Danny huffed "Fine. Why for the love of Merlin's Y-fronts would you do such an irresponsible and Un-Lily thing like that?"

"Revenge"

She scoffed, " Now _that_ explains it all"

" Oh shut your bloody trap" Lily glared "You're the one who wanted to know"

Danny looked scandalized and stopped walking.

"Well?" Lily said , gesturing ahead of her " Are you coming?"

"Yeah" she replied , walking through the portrait hole and into the Head's Common Room.

When they were seated and somewhat less hot-headed, they tried again.

"So what happened?" Danny asked.

Lily sighed "I'm sure you must have gotten a particularly one-sided version from Sirius—"

"Now if you're going to start like that—"

"I'm not , I'm not " She replied waving a dismissive hand "Sorry."

"Anyway, it all started in the morning , when James pulled a prank on me"

"They didn't tell me that"

"Obviously" she replied.

"And?" Danny egged

"Well, I was planning my vengeance…"

"Yeah?"

"And , well, these extremely miniscule firsties asked if they could help"

"Why would they do that?"

"Apparently the Marauders were trying out their shrinking charms on them"

Danny chuckled "Bloody wankers" she muttered.

"But what were you doing by the lake?"

"Well…" Lily started snickering "it sounds a bit…daft now but , I was planning on catching some Grindylows , with these massive nets I had the gnomes make"

Danny nodded encouragingly "by gnomes I mean the midget-firsties of course. Then , I levitated one over the lake to attract them. It was great Danny , you should have seen the suit. He looked like a sequence crack transvestite the size of my trainers" she let out a howl of laughter.

When she'd sobered up , she sighed again , this time somewhat melancholically "then I saw the moon" she shook her head "Well you can imagine me there feeling like an insensitive load of codswallop , telling those midgets to run for their lives, but that I would protect them!" she leaned close to Danny whispering mock secretively "I make a bloody dung-smeared type of superhero"

Danny smiled , patting her back "Don't worry , all heroes have problems. You can join me in the AAA meetings"

"The AAA meetings?"

"Yeah…" she looked at her confusedly "You don't know? Why it's the Anal Aurors Anonymous, of course!"

Lily laughed.

OoO

" So you'll talk to Sirius then?"

Danny nodded " He'll clear everything up, darling."

"Yeah…" Lily cleared her throat , fingering the ends of her tie and avoiding Danny's eyes "One last thing, um…does ,..ah…does….Remus know?"

" No. They didn't tell him anything, Lilers. Stop fretting"

She smiled "That's good"

Danny pushed open the Gryffindor portrait hole and crawled through, leaving Lily with only a couple seconds to decide if she could tolerate the company of the rest of the twittering Gryffindor house. She was slowly walking away when something bumped into her knees , causing her to fall in a flurry of Library books and Exploding Excrements. The something squealed , loudly.

She recognized it .

"I'm _so_ sorry , taller individual!" he piped up "Bloody O'Grady and his bleeding sequence suit" he muttered murderously " making me ruddy blind…..(insert unbecoming language here)…he does _not_ look like a younger , shorter and less endowed version of Elvis. He looks like a cheap asexual whore—"

"Tommy?"

" Madam Head Girl!" he clicked his heels.

"You're …taller!" she replied.

He looked a bit embarrassed and shuffled his feet "This as my actual size , Commander"

"You don't have to call me that" then she had an epiphany "but since you do, how would you like to do your leader a favor?" she winked.

He looked apprehensive , as if recounting the last time where he'd followed her orders unquestioningly , then nodded eagerly .

" Go in the Common Room and check if the Marauders are in, then come back out and report"

"That's all?"

"Yeah"

" No massive slaughter, striptease or…" he leaned closer and whispered " thievery from Professor Slughorn's office?"

"That was once!" she protested "And I needed the sequence suit!"

"So that's a no, then?"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"Yes! Yes!"

"Yes meaning no or yes I want you to striptease?"

" Just go!"

"Just go striptease?"

She narrowed her eyes "Merlin! Can't a First-year hope anymore?"

He stomped to the portrait , where he had to scrabble through with much difficulty since he barely reached the footstool and had promptly forgotten the password (Watch Out firsties! The Gryffindor House is teeming with Pedophiles!) .

OoO

" Oi! Watch where ya goin' Firstie!"

Tommy glared from the carpet .

"I fell" he said "Anyway, what's your problem? You're only a Second-Year"

"Which makes it one more year than you , Firstie" the boy said smugly " You so young ya can't even count properly"

Tommy snorted "Fine. Cheerio, then" he said , pushing the shorter Gryffindor out of the way.

He threw himself onto the carpet again , crawling under longer legs with ease , finally when he was sure he was in a safe observing perch , he whipped out a pair of fluorescent binoculars('Madam Mitsfy's All Purpose Spying Binoculars(conveniently stylish too!)') and began to spy stealthily on the Gryffindors occupying the chair and couch he was hiding behind.

"Just do it , Prongs"

"No"

"Pleaseeeeeeee?" he whined.

"No Sirius!"

"Why?"

"I'm not doing it!" he hissed.

"Come on mate , the bird is gorgeous!"

"Then _you_ do it"

"I _told_ you , Prongs." Sirius sighed "_I_ can't. It'll break Danny's heart"

"Since when do you care?"

"I don't!"

"Then do it!"

" You are impossible!" he raised his hands in defeat " I thrust a _willing_ (which is more than I can say is usual for you) and lovely bird at you , and you refuse!"

" You can't be serious!" James protested , putting up his palm to stop his mate from replying the insufferable pun. "She speaks barely any English , Sirius!"

"Actually , none at all . Though I did manage to teach her a phrase" he replied brightly .

"Nothing _too_ perverse I assume?"

"Then you assume wrong"

James sputtered "What did you—"

"It wasn't perverse at all"

He stared at his friend for a second or two , then burst out laughing , clutching his ribcage.

" It's true! Here, I'll prove it to you- Ellda! ELLDA, DARLING!"

"DA!"

"Come here!" he called , waving at her from the other side of the room.

She scurried over , taking care to skip happily and clutch her ice-pick to her chest.

"My name vis Ellda" she smiled at Sirius .

"Yes it is , dear" he placed a hand at the small of her back.

"This is James , my friend"

"Goat?"

"No daring , no goats . Just a prick"

"Shut up , Sirius." He slapped his head , then held out a hand to her, "Hi."

"I like ze Goats"

"That's …dandy"

"Isn't it?" Sirius clapped his palms "That's the phrase I taught her"

"Oh"

"Goats?"

"No, darling"

"Da, ze goats"

"Elda , please. There aren't any goa—"

"ELLDA! ZE NAME VIS ELL—"

"TOMMY! You small prick of a kid! I _TOLD _you to REPORT BACK TO ME!" Lily bellowed, pushing through the portrait hole with a mighty force "Wait until I get my gars on you! I'll get a NEW second-in-command! You'll be fed to the grindylows and I'll point and laugh, POINT AND LAUGH , I SAY—"

Her gaze had finally collided with the rest of the Gryffindor house, not to mention the fact that she'd unveiled her slick spy.

"Hey, Prongs! There's a small child with a recording device of sorts behind you!"

"No Bloody way—"

"Uh-oh"

"Run Tommy!"

"Save me commander!" he hid behind her legs , grabbing onto her skirt.

"James" she began coldly

"Lily" he replied in a similar tone "You had someone spy on me?"

She winced "Not technically—I mean" she sighed "that wasn't what I told him to do"

"Well then , what _did_ you tell him to do?"

"That's none of your business you-you-" he struggled to find the correct wording "Outlandishly lanky individual!"

"Tommy!"

"Sorry Commander—"

"You are absolutely correct, there is no good—"

"GOATS!"

Lily looked baffled at the girl , whom was grinning widely at her and appeared to be ready to hug her , then said

"…..No….."

"Da! Ze Goats , I like ze GOATS!"

"Uh….well" she turned back to James " As I was saying , there simply isn't a good—"

"GOATS!"

"Will you please stop speaking in that manly tone?" she scoffed " Let me finish the bleeding sentence , _then_ you can dive back into flirting with Potter!"

"My name vis Elld—"

"She wasn't _flirting_ with me!"

"Oh for Merlin's sakes!" she exclaimed "I don't care! All I wanted to say is that there isn't a good" she paused , waiting for the interruption, "reason for telling you what I asked Tommy to do for me"

" Fine Evans" he replied icily .

Lily looked affronted for a minute , then asked his retreating back venomously "_Why_ are you even mad at me, _Potter_?"

He opened his mouth , but was cut off when Lily said "_I _should be the one mooning about. Not you."

"What in the name of Merlin are you talking about—"

"What do you want me to turn you fuchsia for a day so you remember?"

"Look _Evans _, I have absolutely no idea—"

Sirius laughed nervously, his eyes widened "Come on Prongs , there's no point to fighting. Let's go to the kitchens " he turned to Ellda " I believe they are serving Goat in your honor"

She looked brightened by the mention of her favorite companion but nonetheless asked befuddled, "Eet?"

"Yes, eat" he placed his hand in his mouth and clamped down on it , wincing in pain.

She nodded her comprehension , but then looked horrified "Eet Goat?" he nodded happily.

"NO!" she hit him with her ice pick "ZE GOAT , ELLDA NO EET!" she hit him again.

James caught her hand , holding it in his gently, "Come on" he said , tugging on it.

He didn't look at Lily as they walked by , though Sirius did smile somewhat apologetically at her ( for reasons she did not understand), and Elda waved enthusiastically , replying as if departing "My name vis Ellda!"

She put her arm on Tommy's shoulder , only to find him gone. She looked about worriedly , calling loudly.

"Tommy!"

No reply , but there seemed to be some strange sounds echoing from behind the couch.

"Tommy!" she screeched, scandalized.

He pried his lips off the Lieutenant " Commander!"

"I thought you said you wanted _this_" she signaled between them.

"You said you didn't want to!"

"I said I would _think_ about it!" She sniffled

"Where is your loyalty?"

"I was simply following orders, Commander" the small girl squeaked.

"Oh shut up, you short tramp" she bawled.

**An:**

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**Evil-One Kanobe **


	14. Vis Ze Truth

**Vis Ze Truth**

AN: Meh , I've returned 'Whoop-de-doop'! I'd offer to write more often , but you don't seem to care. Thanks to you loyals out there , may Merlin grant riches to you three. Here's the chap.

"I'll resort to taping her mouth shut"

She shook her head disgustedly "That's too…._nice_" she spat "How 'bout we cut it off , darling?"

" Too bloody"

"The twat deserves it!"

"Lily!"

She didn't look as abashed as Danny felt she should "Sorry" she muttered.

"Why do you even dislike—"

"Abhor, or loathe in the purest form. Dislike is too…._pretty_"

"Fine. Why do _you_ abhor the illiterate with such…passion?" she said interestedly "I mean, I know why _I _hate her, she's flashed Sirius more times than cut her food with her ice-pick"

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's no bollocks rumor. She did it _while I was with him_." Her voice rose dangerously.

"Shhh! Madam Pince will hear you!"

"Meh. Why are we even here?"

"I need to find something." She said dismissively as her fingers skimmed dozens and dozens of undecipherable leather tittles.

"Ho! I've found it , Danny!"

"You spend too much time in Potions" she commented before looking at the book.

An old and tattered copy of _Extensively Advanced Spells You Shouldn't Try Unless Feeling Vengeful and Murderous_ (_None of the Spells are Actually Deadly , to Find Deadly Vengeful Spells Please Consult, So You Want to Cause Deadly Bodily Harm_) she also read under it a note which was in slightly smaller print , though coppery and scandalous. It read: WAU (Wizarding Awards United) formally congratulates Squiddy Dorkylad for his success in creating the longest book title in Wizard history. Congratulations Squiddy! WAU!

Lily grinned and Danny raised a brow "Darling , will you now explain to me why you dragged me out of bed at _two in the bloody morning_ to read a book by a bloke name _Squiddy Dorkylad_?"

Lily looked fazed and blushed slightly "Well, I couldn't sleep—"

"I _know_ that!" Danny's bloodshot eyes widened angrily.

"Let me finish!" Lily snapped "I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened to me in the Hospital Wing. The wall bollocks." She explained.

"Oh you mean the 'walls speak, oh smite me Merlin for I have completely lost my mind' incident?"

"Yes." She said tersely "The strange thing about that incident is that I have never been …uh…_afraid_ of the color beige or talking walls"

"So you got hysterical , what's so strange about that? You've been hysterical before,"

"Yes, but I wasn't around Potter at the time."

"Ah." She smirked "So what's that got to do with good ol' Squiddy?"

"He's going to prove my theory. Aye Squiddy?"

"Aye—wheeze—Little—wheeze—Miss" the book panted loudly.

"What theory?"

"That some desperate bastard longing to do me harm just to hear me squeal in my heavenly voice—"

"You've been sniffing Potter's fumes again, I take it?—"

"Hexed me with one of ol'Squiddy's curses"

"Which—one—doll?" he smiled widely , showing them three rows of three rotting teeth that threatened to fling out of his mouth if he wheezed again.

"The Hysterical Paranoia one" she replied , her eyes fogging in old anger.

"A—wheeze—ye" well, they threatened.

"Oh dear, Mr. Dorkylad, it seems the last of your teeth have flown from your mouth" Danny commented slyly.

"Yes—doll—they—have" he chuckled, his lips concaving into his mouth as he wheezed and coughed from lack of air.

He snapped open "Is—cough—this—one—wheeze—it—doll?" cough .cough .cough .

"Yes it 'tis Mr. Dorkylad" Lily replied happily

"Mr. Dorkylad?" she turned the book over slightly, there , a relatively old man , his head hanging to the side, his tongue lolling passively out of his toothless mouth.

"He's dead?" Danny asked , pushing herself upward from the seat she had collapsed on ,then poked the cover " 'think he chocked on one of his teeth?"

"Nah. See that? He's breathing. He's just passed out" Lily said , flipping back to the correct page.

"Here look, 'The Hysterical Paranoia Hex can affect your enemy for a considerable amount of time , depending on the quantity of loathing for the said person. The longest time it has been recorded to last was five decades , when the hex was placed on the second Minister of Magic , Robine Knoobyhood , and caused him to be erratically afraid of Non-Magical Folk. He then proceeded to cause a massacre of sorts he then dubbed 'The Spanish Inquisition' and create a barrier between the wizard world and non-magic world. Take care when using this hex , for it does have it's side effects , not to you of course , but the hexed. After some hours of hexing , the recipient will have varying levels of hysteria for no apparent reason and be accident-prone, also, he/she might hear her/his fear repeated in common conversation' Bastard! Buggered Butt-Screwed Beetle Brain!"

"Nice…."

"Shut Up, Danny!"

"Ooooo! Ooooh! I'm feeling _murderous_! James is such a _prat!_"

Danny thrust a romance novel at her "Here! I read that one , it was pure shite! Nigel leaves Rosetta pregnant in the ending! Murder _it_, _not me_!"

She took out her wand and started hexing and cursing the little book with the half-naked witch on the cover. "Ha! Take that! And that you flexible, lithe and voluptuous female! I'll rip that golden hair right of your genita—"

"WHAT IS THAT TWITTERING?"

"Run Danny!"

"You two _again_?" Madam Pince hissed "I thought I made it very clear the first time—"

She gasped scarily "Is that _Outback Love_?" she pointed at the mutilated cover and squealing pages at Lily's feet.

"Um—uh--….no?" Lily whined.

"It isn't Madam Pince" Danny piped up , her voice an unusual pitch "It's, uh …my homework"

"It is NOT! You—you FIENDS! I can see Rosetta weeping on the cover! What have you done to her hair?" she kneeled and begun to gather the nearly illiterate smithereens "It's alright , it's alright Rosetta." She cooed "he returns to you in the sequel . Don't worry. You also become immensely wealthy and carry another man's child"

Rosetta did look happier about the whole situation , though Lily looked to be reduced to tears. The Librarian hated her guts , now how was she supposed to plan vengeance in the most avoided place in Hogwarts history?

'Lily' Danny mouthed 'Jump over the psychotic librarian and follow me' Lily looked at her uncomprehending, and Danny sighed. She'd have to create a diversion.

"Oh No , Madam Pince! The pornographic section is burning!"

"Nooooooo! Stella , control your masochistic love!"

And she bolted to the section closest to her office, screaming profanities and regretful losses.

"Come on, Lilers!"

"Goodbye useful literature" she replied , blowing a kiss to the molding sections.

OoO

"In Finality professor, the golde—"

"GOAT!"

"No Ellda, please let Lily finish her report"

Ellda nodded , smiling widely at Lily from James's side "Ze Goat like Ellda"

The class laughed appreciatively and Ellda glared at them.

"Settle down , settle down" Professor Grubbly-Plank said clearly , gesturing for Lily to begin again.

"Thank you professor" she said , her eyes bulging with anger. She cleared her throat, "In finality , the golden," she paused and smiled gratefully when she saw Remus had placed his hand tightly over Ellda's mouth as she squirmed , despite James's glaring "Niffler is not attracted by shiny objects because it is in itself a shiny mammal, so it is attracted to _dull _and _listless_ objects. That is why it bit Mr. Potter on his ar—ah….bum" she smiled politely at the scattered applause, most enthusiastic from the back corner where she'd left Danny and Sirius.

"That Slavic barbarian has no shame whatsoever" she said acidly as she took her seat beside the couple , next to a tidy bookshelf.

"I think that's a bit of an overreac—"

"I couldn't agree more" Danny replied in clipped tones , her gaze impaled onto the said person , whom was smiling happily while facing them , lifting her shirt ."She did it again!" she hissed , raising from her seat slightly , her fists clenched.

Ellda waved cheerily, lifting her shirt once more for good measure.

"Next up is Miss Vector , Ellda dear—uh…." Her eyes widened " Release your shirt girl! Let it go! Oh for Merlin's sake!" she walked over to her desk , grabbing the girl's wrists and prying them from her shirt , lowering them quickly. Ellda looked quite scandalized, and made violent thrusting motions with her ice-pick. She sent one last smile at Sirius's table , where Danny looked terribly frightened and Sirius a bit put off ( he was muttering "I'll find a way to get her to let go of that thing….wouldn't do….ice pick in bed….who ever heard of such a thing?"), then turned and faced the professor.

"Da?" she grinned

"Your turn" Grubbly-Plank muttered darkly.

She looked confused, but James pointed at the stand in the front of the clearing and at the essay enclosed in her grasp and she smiled in gratitude.

"Da!" she really needed to expand her vocabulary. It wasn't as if she'd been illiterate back in her off the chart town in east wizard Germany, she'd learned her alphabet.

Not that she made much use of it, but….

She strutted up to the makeshift podium , looking determined, several heads lowered significantly and leaned over the side of the desks , following the determined stride with a somewhat longing look to their faces.

"Oh , honestly!" Lily huffed, "It's not as if her arse will suddenly sprout heavenly aromas, people! It's just as putrid as the rest of ours!"

"Oh shut up, you" a near Ravenclaw hissed in reply " That's foreign arse, that is. Different taste" she finished knowingly , leaning closer to the ground and falling ungracefully.

Lily snickered meanly , putting her head down onto her folded arms. She hadn't realized she'd dozed off until Danny shoved her heavily, causing her to fall cleanly to the floor with a loud yelp.

"Miss Evans , are you quite alright—"

"Bugger! I think my arse has been more buggered with than a gobl—" she began loudly before

"GOAT!"

"Oh bloody liquid shite" she rubbed her temples vigorously.

"Miss Evans!" gasped the professor , placing a delicate hand on her mouth "I do not tolerate such language during a lesson, consider this your last warning. And Head Girl!" she shook a menacing finger at her.

"Continue with your report, Miss Vector" she said kindly .

Ellda nodded curtly "Goats like ze Ellda. Da, Ellda like ze goats. Goats like ze goats , da , vis ze goat naaaturre. My name vis Elld—OWWW!"

A heavy-seeming book landed with a loud thump by Ellda's feet as she massaged her left eye, a maniacal laughter rising from the back corner perturbing the immense and awkward silence that followed closely after the incident.

Ellda's eyes started to tear.

"Who threw that?" Professor Grubbly-Plank's mouth was twitching strangely , as if suppressing and intense howl of laughter "Show yourself!"

Lily began to whistle quietly , motioning Danny to follow , as well as Sirius whom was glaring at her .

"Ooooo!" Ellda jumped up and down excitedly , causing a dangerous amount of gazes to collide with her upper torso , whom was bouncing elastically, as if glad to meet their open gapes and acquaintance "Ze Goats!"

"Miss Vector, I do believe that is enough! This situation has nothing to with--"

"No Professor," James began , raising his hand slightly to point at the heavy book clutched in the baritone goddess's grip "Look at the title '_The Ultimate Wizard's Guide to Goat Breeding_'"

"Oh" she peered at it "Oh! This is grand! Now she can write a _tolerable_ report about magical goat breeding!"

Ellda beamed , James glared at the back corner, Sirius sprouted tears of agony at seeing Ellda's damaged eye, Danny clapped Lily's back in a congratulatory way while she put her head in her hand s muttering ,"Why couldn't she have just gotten blinded by '_A Creative Use for Hippogriff Manure' _?".

OoO

The week was a bit harsh on the newly established trio. Sirius being the unwilling member , but Danny wasn't taking any chances. She figured that if she let go of Sirius at any time , he would simply drift back to the voluptuous Slavic _monster_ without even pondering on it. Lily secretly believed there were other reasons for Sirius's appearance by their side , that being Danny's newfound enjoyment in flashing him randomly during classes.

It had been harsh because of Ellda's increasing amicable feeling towards Lily , despite the hissing and spitting , cursing and ranting , pelting and farting, she stuck to Lily's side like a century's worth of thoroughly chewed gum. It was believed by the general public that this was because Ellda was a 'nice' and 'loving' kind of bloke—female, whom found happiness in caring for the mentally ill. Like every other gossip however, it was far from true, Ellda (in her deep and dreadfully deranged mind) believed Lily to be a nice and repetitive person , constantly saying 'goat' to make her feel welcome and secure. She had no idea why the head girl narrowed her eyes or spit in her direction, but she figured it was English manners, one could never know , this being such a feeble and vague term.

Lily however,was plagued byincreasing feelings of utter revulsion and loathing, and had tried several times to express her feelings with rather harsh actions. After the fiasco in the Care of Magical Creatures lesson, Lily had resolved to humiliate Ellda to the point of frantic screeching. Her plan didn't completely function though, for every gag that Lily pulled on Ellda seemed to come of to the Slavic's advantage.

For example, as Ellda had been making her usual showy and overdramatic Baywatch dash towards James after lessons, Lily had just _happened_ to be strolling by with a murderous Danny,and she just _happened_ to have the impulsive need to stick out her foot for future tying laces purposes , when 'Whoops!' Ellda tripped on it. The ironic part is that when she tripped, she landed straight into James's outstretched arms with a broken ankle and the cutest pained face on this hemisphere. James of course helped the situation by gazing deeply into Ellda's eyes, turning his face so that he faced Lily and smirked superiorly , then proceeded to eat Ellda's face in a romantic public show of affection.

"I have devised a plan of immense proportions" she smirked "Or should I say , _prank_?"

"_No_"

"Yes Danny, it was revealed to me in a dream ,by a heavenly—"

"Blah Blah Blah , bollocks , bollocks , bollocks. That's all I'm hearing, you need to understand Lilers that I really don't care what kind of perversions you dream about , just what they result in"

"Thanks."

"No problem, doll. Now, you were saying?"

"Ahh yes , my plan (ahem, prank) consists of several pulleys , nifflers , I managed to steal some boggarts,a friendly grindylow and finally , a gigantic bucket of water."

"What's the bucket for?"

"It is the 'piece de resistance', darling"

"Umm…..Meaning _what,_ exactly?"

"That it is the crucial ingredient, what the whole prank is based around. Simple, yet elegant , nearly a piece of _genius_" she was rubbing her palms together in front of hooded face (she'd insisted on wearing disguises, she wearing a cloak , Danny wearing a kilt(bagpipes and all))

Danny huffed impatiently, tapping her foot "Yes, but what does it _do_?"

Danny could feel her smile "Essentially, it gets her wet"

"So….just wet? No wound, bleeding or mass waxing?"

"No"

"You made me wear Sirius's kilt just to see Goat Prat get _WET_?"

"Nonononono , not just wet" Danny sighed "her hair will be frizzy for _ages_"

"Lily! ARGGG! I'M WEARING A _KILT_ BORROWED FROM SIRIUS NO LESS—Oi! Don't walk away from me! I'm ranting! You are obligated to listen! _OBLIGAT_—"

"Where _is_ Sirius, Danny? I could've used his help"

Danny looked horrified "Oh Merlin! I've let him escape! This is horrid!"

"Shush! I think she's coming." She glanced down the corridor , "Yes, doll. Go down the stairs….that's a good girl…."

They heard it all , when the stair step activated several pulleys, lowering a closet full of boggarts onto a platform atop the bottom step, the closet door opening , the niffler's (whom had been stationed onto the platform previously) terrified shriek, their pushing the gigantic bucket of water with the one lonesome grindylow and finally , a manly scream.

"Congratulations Lilers," Danny hugged her hastily "But I have to go find Sirius, I can't let him roam around, thinking he has freedom. That would give him too many ideas."

Lily nodded absentmindedly, then turned the corner and walked down the corridor, advancing to the bottom of the steps with a cheery grin.

It didn't stay there long though, for when Lily reached the soaked step with the triumphant smirk it was wiped off by the sight of Sirius Black weeping and fruitlessly trying to pry the bawling grindylow from his hair.

"It's you!" he yelled maniacally "I knew you sought revenge!"

"Look Sirius, I'm sorr—"

"How could you sink so low as to ruin my _hair!_" he sobbed "My most valued and prized possession!"

"Oi! I could've done something to _Danny_!"

"Then why _didn't_ you?" he blew his nose "Get this thing off meeeeeeeeeee!"

"No!"

"So this is your vicious vengeance? You heartless hag!" he shrieked

"What the bloody bollocks are you on about?" she snapped , vanishing the grindylow with a wave of her wand "What vengeance? I was trying to get Ellda."

But he wasn't listening, he frantically trying to flatten his usually silken hair, "What did you do to it?" he squeaked, wildly pressing upon his head "It's…POOFY!"

"Relax you ninny, it's just frizzy." She said nonchalantly.

"All I did was give you a _bleeding beige_ _tint_, Lily! And _perhaps_ charm the walls so that they could socialize.There was no need to do thi—"

"_What?_" she hissed dangerously , pulling down her hood.

Sirius's yes widened , and he dropped his hands "No-no-no-nothing" he stammered

"No! Not '_Nothing_'! It's something! Something you will be _pealed _for! Like a bleeding orange Sirius!"

"NOOooooo! Think of my kids!"

"You have no children!"

"My _future_ children, then!" he held his hands out in a pleading gesture, his hair forgotten and his knees impaled onto the floor.

"I need not worry about _that_ if I remove the equipment!" she cackled loudly.

"Lily! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Let me keep my genitals , at least for another week" he begged.

"Tell me why"

"Why I should keep my reproductive glands?"

"No!" she snapped "Why you turned me beige then put James's name on it"

"Oi! I can't take credit for that , it was allWormy's idea, down to the talking walls. I'm quite proud.He even came up with an anagram for Prongsie's initials 'Just Pranking', nifty eh? "

"Why would he—"

"Dunno. 'Seemed quite obsessive 'bout it, though. I just though it'd be funny." He examined his nails , biting upon a corner and speaking "What with me having an irrational fear of the color, I thought I needed some company in the sentiment,"

"But _why_ did Peter do that?" she asked

Sirius shrugged and stood slowly , as if really chewing on the answer , "He hates you , doll.I dunno why. You should have a chat with 'im"

"That's rubbish, no one hates me!"

Sirius blinked , once , twice then said , "Here's some advice, don't hang about Prongs so much , I think his ego-itis is contagious" he smirked and strode off gallantly.

She glared at his back , watching him put his hands in his back pockets and start whistling with a kind of festering air.

Her anger bubbled and she cried "Oi, Sirius!"

"Yeah!"

"Your hair's smoking" she quickly pocketed her wand as Sirius hyperventilated, smiling evilly.

She put her hands in her back pockets, whistling a cheery tune and walked at a leisurely pace back up the stairs , where she was sure to meet the Slavic stalker eventually.

**AN: Was it obvious? Yeah, but that was the point. These are the last chappies just so ya know , and yeah , I've learned to live without nutrition, though I do enjoy the taste ever so often. Would you spare an aging fanatic some reviews? Must I beg?**

**PLEASE! PLEASE! **

**-sob-sob-**


	15. When Squawkenators Attack!

**When Squawkenators Attack!**

**(The children will play)**

**An: HELOOOOooooo, This is the final chap, and for those whom expected long snogging sessions and steamy broom closets, you'll have to look in my other stories. It's been a long and gruesome journey, all of which was lacking in nourishment , however, I still have hope for you. Don't disappoint me.**

"_I'm sorry James" the rouge scarf flapped in the sudden gust , revealing a strapless cocktail dress that was worn despite the cold._

"_I meant it not" she continued , sighing heavily "I was thinking irrationally" _

_She began to walk towards him , the first rays of the sun peaking over the hedge of the rose bush of abnormal proportions. She paused by them , fingering their silky petals and lifting them towards her nose, she sighed contently as the chocolaty sweet aroma reached her acutely groomed nostrils._

_She stood , walking towards the melancholic James whom was sitting on a bench of white marble and sighing loudly at timed intervals._

"_Do you forgive me?" she whispered as she sat down._

"_What?"_

"_Do you forgive me James?" she dropped to her knee pulling a miniscule black box from under her hem "As well as marry me with this love-offering?" the box cliqued open (as if by magic!) and out of it floated a slow-paced golden snitch (to ensure that it would never escape from James's grasp) who's upper torso was overflowing with thin engravings exclaiming 'I love you!' and 'let's make babies!'._

"_What are you on about , woman?" James exclaimed , running an irritated hand through his hair._

"_Well, I-I—luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve you , James!"_

_James snorted "So you bought me a snitch?" he glared in disgust, pushing her off his bench " I lurve Ellda" _

"_Elda?" she sobbed _

"_No you fool! ELLDA, E-L-L-D-A, is that too difficult for you to pronounce?"_

_With a superior 'pop' the Slavic professional goat-breeder was grappling onto his arm , seated on the bench. She now spoke perfect English._

"_I am simply smarter than you, Head Girl. Or should I say , Ex-Head Girl?" she pointed to a badge on her exposed chest , whose pin must've punctured skin and bled , had this not been an imaginary situation._

_She squawked loudly, holding on to James's shoulder for support , until he began laughing too._

"_Hehehehahah, guess what else, Pipi . I killed Fuzzy! MUAHAHAHAHAH!"_

"_NOOOOOoooooooooooooo!"_

The glass of water protested most unflatteringly to Lily's gripping, it squeaked and writhed but to no avail, the girl's vision had been narrowed at one spot for the past five minutes and her expression had not changed( it was similar to the one he'd seen a man perform on another as he slowly took a bite of a juicy steak dinner, while the one glaring had been obligated to beat _his_ dinner several times , as it was still alive). The glass didn't believe the back of the head of the golden haired goddess was unpleasant in the least, it didn't seem to have threatened his possessor in any way and it was most certainly not grotesque. So why was this psychotic teenager glaring at it , and more importantly , why did she sob at occasional intervals? Was she murderous? Was she planning on hurling him at the beautiful back of head , shattering him to a thousand pieces never to be united again? Was he to be the new Humpty Dumpy? How cruel! After having just been broken a day earlier! Where was the justice , where was the peace—

"That bastard!" Lily whispered shakily , wiping her eyes on an invisible sleeve ( living in close proximity to James was an advantage, due to the ease in which she could sneak into his room (occasionally sniff his boxers) and steal useful equipment, like the invisibility cloak).

"Lily!" she froze , gazing upward slightly from her station behind Ellda , James was looking right at her. Her eyes widened to scarily large proportions as she saw the coming event played out in slow motion like a badly recorded bootleg video.

Ellda turned her head to look behind her after James gasped falsely at the fallen invisible hood, her head knocked onto a frightened and squealing glass of frozen water in Lily's grasp, the glass tipped (despite it's effort to do otherwise), the water sloshed out in it's attempt at five seconds of fame as the smallest tsunami ever recorded, then landed on the banks of the goddesses' pressed blue robes and golden tresses.

James grinned.

"Oh Merlin, I am sooo sorry—"(1)

OoO

Sirius and Danny had broken it off that week. It was an especially revivifying gossip for the single females of Hogwarts. However it was the 'how' that mainly interested the males , not to mention the addition of another female reproductive gland to the 'available' column. Mainly, the news only disheartened two individuals in the Hogwarts population, Lily Evans and Sirius Black.

The loss of such a stable couple was disappointing to Lily , whom was just starting to come to terms with her feelings for a certain someone. If Danny and Sirius couldn't survive the trials and inevitable errors of a hormonal relationship how could she and—er…. That special someone? It annoyed her to the point of violence (which really wasn't much since we've seen she's been driven down that lane with much ease in the past…) that none of her other peers seemed to be unbalanced by the lack of the so dubbed 'Hogwarts couple' , she was the only one wobbling quickly down corridors , glancing behind statues and randy knights for the snogging pair. With the exception of Sirius, who had decided to show his heartbreak and disappointment in a less dignified manner, though in his opinion , a much more effective one.

Ever since Danny decided she'd had enough of the strutting irony, Sirius had laid his manly charms on every female inhabiting the castle in thick coats. First had been the single ones , whom had been flattered and honored by his attentions ,but when they had caused no change in the female Weasleys's demeanor , he'd moved onto the taken genitalia. After many slaps , muggle phone numbers he had no use for and tokens of gratitude in the form of apparating addresses quickly scribbled onto soiled knickers, he'd dejectedly realized Danny had just stopped liking his tight bum.

"Danny, PLEASE!"

"No, Sirius" she licked her finger and turned a page.

"Why not?" he cried

"We. Broke. Up." She looked up from her sketchbook with an exasperated expression "Must I spell it out for you?"

"_We_ didn't break up" he sniffled "_You_ broke up with _me_. ME! _The_ Sirius Black"

" I understand that Sirius," her attention had returned to her book " but as to what you expect me to do about it , I'm clueless"

"Go out with me" he begged, turning his best puppy-dog pout in her direction.

"I already tried that" she turned another page and sighed "He's so beautiful….." she whispered .

"What?" Sirius stood up, "Who?"

She closed the book with a 'snap' and glared at his taller stance "None of your business" she spat.

"It is my business! I'm your bloody boyfriend!" he replied , outraged.

"_EX_-boyfriend! Don't you understand?" her voice rose considerably , evidently glancing behind Sirius worriedly, checking for listeners.

"_What_ are you looking at?" Sirius demanded "You've been doing it since I came to talk to you!" he stomped his foot as an angry child would if deprived of his heavy dose of mental medication "You can't see my arse form that angle!"

"You Insufferable yeast-infected-TWAT!" she yelled hysterically "Can't you just LEAVE ME _ALONE_?", she'd gotten up from the Gryffindor table now , and was trying to storm dramatically out of the Great Hall (as well as out of gossiping–prat-radius) but Sirius kept stepping in her way.

"MOVE!" She demanded, shoving him.

"Not until you go out with me!" he screamed in retort.

"Why do you even _want_ to go out with me again? You like Elda!" she narrowed her eyes, as if daring him to lie.

"That's beside the point" he said calmly "Elda's my eye-candy"

Danny looked ready to explode , her bag along with her sketchbook lay sprawled on the floor , and she was readying her knuckles to pounce on Sirius.

Crack. Crack. Crackity Crack, CRACKKKKK.

"Danny , please think about this….." he looked nervously at her fists , then back to her face "You'll feel guilty….I know you will"

"Then you don't know me half as well as you thought you did , Sirius. Sirius? What are you doing? _Drop that sketchbook!_"

He flipped through the pages, the same face at different angles was drawn masterfully, there were even some strange perspectives on it , as if Danny had been hanging above the bed curtains and drawn for her life.

"_Sturgis Podmore_?" he squeaked , flipping another page and grimacing "You dumped _me_ for _him_?"he pointed at a boy directly behind him "_He has a ruddy boyfriend_!"

Danny sighed dejectedly and squatted to pick up her bag , then she walked up to Sirius and pried the sketchbook from his shocked fingers and shoved him , "Get over yourself" she spat dangerously, albeit quietly, then walked determinedly out of the Great Hall.

OoO

"WHY!"

Sirius turned around and looked down at the end of the Gryffindor table with a surprised expression . There , along with the other social outcasts and under-developed , sat a distraught Lily , being comforted by a rather hairy boy and a small and authoritative-seeming first-year.

"Hush now , madam Head Girl , it'll be alright" Tommy cooed , patting her back.

"No it wont" sniffle , sniffle "Now they'll never get back together"

"I say they will" O'Grady said confidently "me mum says I 'ave the er…. 'sight' or somefink or other. Point is! They'll get back together. Trust O'Grady , lass , trust 'im"

"Get your filthy hands off my arse O'Grady, or I'll take back that sequin suit!"

"Not me suit!" he cried , grabbing onto his elbows in fright "It be a part of me , mam. It adds to the sight!" he re-created some form of jazz fingers and river-danced out of the Great Hall, finally letting loose a triumphant cry when he reached the door "You'll never have me suit, NEVER I SA—_Let go of me!_"

"That'll teach him" she gave a curt nod to her ninja-clad warriors (whom were late for their flying lesson) and they took off.

Tommy nodded "Permission to speak , Madam" he clicked his heels.

"Of course" Lily smiled weakly.

"Why do you care so much that your friends aren't dating anymore?"

Lily threw a wary glance up the table where the social royalty dined on caviar with golden utensils and Ellda was supporting a new platinum engraved ice-pick (a gift from her economically-endowed inamorato), then sighed.

"No reason"

"Oh , well then. Do you mind if I ate your Mongolian meat? It looks cold and you don't seem to be intereste—"(AN: can anyone spot the joke in this phrase?)

"Sure , go ahead."

Tommy smiled and took her plate , he placed it carefully in front of himself then picked up another plate (which was empty) and banged it onto the meat on Lily's plate , again and again and again , until the blubber stopped squeaking in pain and lay limp.

Lily watched disinterestedly with her head resting in her palm. She sighed again and wiped a stray tear from the tantrum she'd supported some minutes ago.

"Why so blue, Lily?"

"You know very well why, Sirius"

"You had to hunt your dinner?" he suggested.

"No, that was fun" she said with a small smile of triumph "I had to outrun the cripples and first-years to get the biggest rat," she chuckled .

A frown grazed Sirius's face, "Are you sure it wasn't Peter?" he asked

"No" she replied "But who cares? I'm heartbroken" she placed her palm to her forehead and uttered a dramatic sob.

"No really, you didn't eat Peter, right?"

"No, tosser, I didn't." Sirius sighed "Tommy did"

"Lily!"

"Relax, relax" she snickered, then pointed up the table "He's sitting with the Hogwarts couple"

Sure enough, when Sirius followed her finger, he saw the pudgy boy eyeing his wriggling caviar with a suspicious expression and a large golden pair of prongs in his hand.

"Wait…Hogwarts Couple?" he exclaimed "We were replaced so quickly?"

"Yup, bloody hurts, eh?"

"Yeah" he wiped his eyes, "Oh how we mighty have fallen!" he cried , falling to his knees and clutching his hair.

"Why!" joined Lily "Oh , why! Can't she just choke on her iced fish eggs? Or her ice-pick? Or simply drop dead from an unknown cause of disease? That's all I ask , a little indulgence."

OoO

The day started off as every other Tuesday, the students dragged their dead body weights off comfy linens , couches and broom closets. Some dug themselves out from under inconceivably heavy mounds of N.E.W.T. study leaflets and suicide therapy booklets (they had such tittles as '_So You Tried to Stab Your Eyes Out With Your Wand_' and '_Dr._ _Calamities Helps Strengthen Under-Age Stress'_).

By the time lunch rolled around they were bored and longingly staring off into empty spaces imagining the warmth of their meals. They were unsuspecting and downright trusting. Fools.

The lunch bell rang.

Students hurtled their bodies out of the classrooms even before the professors announced their departure(with the exception of the Divination professor , whom demanded the students pack their books and clean their tea leaves fifteen minutes before the end of the class with a slightly worrying expression of panic).

They chatted and chortled , tripped and clutched empty stomachs once outside and into the corridors.

ZOOM! Zoom! ZOom!

Teenagers scrambled in every direction, screaming and dodging. Their hands were flailing erratically over their heads, their books sliding all over the corridors.

Puny diarrhea-colored birds were pecking mercilessly at their heads , arms , flowing hair…whatever they could get their beaks impaled onto.

"SQUAWK!"

The birds with crudely drawn hearts on their anuses dived at the incoming group of students.

"Squawkity Squawken Squawk!" a small one barked orders and the hoard rearranged themselves into a horizontal line , their arses aiming with precision at specific faces they longed to mutilate and melt with their toxic shit.

"The PLAGUE!" a small girl screamed pointing at the dark cloud advancing upon them.

"EEEEEkkkk!" another squealed "I _hate _bugs!"

"I'll protect you Sturgy!"

"Thanks, luv" he blew her a kiss "But I'm already taken"

Danny huffed angrily at the feminine boy clutching onto Sturgis's arm, but she had no time to blow a fuse, as one of her companions jumped in front of the approaching pestilence.

"LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

"Sirius!" she hissed "_Sirius, get back here you rash oaf of a wizard!_"

"I must save us!"

"Fool!"

The birds swooped upon them , pecking at odd angles and with an angry ferocity. Danny grabbed Sirius's hand as he cowered onto the floor and pulled him into a closet.

She sighed , listening to the squawking birds whom seemed to be carrying a conversation.

"Squawkly Squawk, Squawkety" stated one superiorly

"Squawkkkkkk! SQUAWK!" the other answered with evident anger.

"Squawkler—"

"Squawk! Squawkitie Squawk, Squaken"

(Translation:

"Look Vivianne, I've managed to gather some human brains for dinner"

"Buffoon! I don't eat brain! You care not for me!"

"But Vivi, look at these plump humans—"

"No! I will not hear it! Go back to your nest, _pigeon_" )

"Sirius, listen , I think the birds are intelligent. So, the only way for us to leave this bloody closet is if we formulate a pla—"

"You saved me!" he exclaimed in joy.

"Yes. But what does that—"

"You _do _care about me!"

"Of course I care—"

"Go out with me"

"_What?_"

"You care about me , that's female-speak for 'I love you , how 'bout we buy a house in the suburbs and make more than seven babies?' . I figure we need to start small first—"

"_What?_" she repeated.

"Look Danny , there's no use in denying it—"

"Oh, Merlin!" she buried her head in her palms.

OoO

Panting, Lily rounded a corner.

"Hurry you small and lacking in ferocity baboons!" she called over her shoulder.

"We're doing the best we can , mam."

"Shut up , you" Tommy hissed "Listen to the Commander and don't complain" he pulled her arm.

"Hurry Up!"

"Well done , second." She gave an authoritative smile "It's good to know you keep your bitches on a tight leash"

"I've got to" he breathed while running "If I don't , they'll get ideas…thought…well, individuality" he finished in disgust.

"I know exactly what you mean", she began "The youngsters are getting feisty lately. I don't know what I would do—"

"Mam! We've lost a cadet!" one interrupted , sprinting like a gay gazelle past Tommy and his tarts with a massive intake of breath .

"What!" she screeched, coming to a halt" who?"

The small bambino wheezed, her hands on her knees "It be—wheeze—O'Grady, Madam Head Girl"

Lily paused, scratching her chin as a bearded elderly man would, pondering on the ideal of assisting the missing cadet " Um……" she smiled and looked over her shoulder superiorly, "I believe the boy needs some exercise "

"NOoooooooooooo!" she heard O'Grady squeal "Not me suit! Not me sequin suit, you maimed beasts with woe-inflicting wings!"

She smirked, cupping her hands in front of her face and letting loose a carefully brewed holler of malevolent laughter.

"Are we going?" Tommy asked anxiously.

"Oh ! " she exclaimed " Sure, sure "

As the herd rounded a second corner and their commander had gained confidence, she ran, forehead to forehead, against a golden haired goddess.

" Bastard!" she bellowed, as her victim vociferated with vigor,

"GOAT!"

The sound of twittering wings and irritable beaks became ever more prominent as Lily nursed her head (which was erupting like Vesuvius (hey , have we heard this before?)) and looked upon the stunned faces of her Slavic antagonist and hated (if only for his association with her) would-be sweetheart.

"Lily, what are you doing—"

"Shh" she put her fingers to her mouth and leaned down to grab a fist full of Ellda's hair , as she was unconscious. She pointed behind her, signaling the frightened firsties shaking in their too large robes, then pointed at an empty classroom.

James nodded and roped a couple of children with his wand and hurtled them into the room, then stepped inside himself. Gathering them into the room like wild cattle, Lily got the last strays as well as the snoring enemy.

When she finally closed the door she could hear the pecking beaks against the ancient wood and as she looked around at her company she realized they could hear the birds

flown from the inner depths of hell communicating too.

"SQUAWKEN! Squawkity Squawken Squawk!"

"Squawkivity Squawken!"

"Squawken! Squaaaaaawk!"

"Squawk"

(Translation:

"GENERAL! The human meal is aging inside the irritating room. Also I have slept with your wife Vivianne on more than one occasion, Sir!"

"_WHAT _? I want the humans now! Keep my wife, she's become an insufferable vegetarian … "

"I completely agree, _perhaps..._ I shall give her to my brother! MUAH HAHA…!

They shall be content with each other, forever and ever, and ever and ever….

AND EVER!"

"Too true, luv".)

Lily loosened her grip upon the golden hair and watched with a sadistic grin as the girl's head bounced on the floor like Slavic rubber.

"Why'd you do that?" he clamored over to Ellda reaching for her head and feeling for bumps. " Do you want to hurt her ?"

"Yes" Tommy clapped.

"It's a wonder they made you bloody Head Girl" He growled "You fit in perfectly with the intoxicated primate crowd."

"You're one to talk, you herpes-ridden bollocks eater, I hope you choke on your nob"

"This assuming no one else does" he said with a smirk.

"Your perversions have no end"

"But your wit for insults vaporizes after a little sexual innuendo"

Lily scoffed and pointed her special finger in his direction. Tommy laughed , his posse gasped and James looked superior.

She uncrossed her arms and walked to where he was standing ( in mid-crowd of fainted firsties(some of which whom had pissed unceremoniously)) .

"Do you like her ?" she pointed.

"Who? Tommy's tart ? Uh…sure, she's attractive—"

"No, fool! Your bloody girlfriend!"

"Can't you say her name?"

"I choose not to" she held up her palm to stop him from continuing "_Because_ she might dismantle me with her expensive ice pick if my pronunciation wavers "

"Ah" he scratched the back of his neck "Well—uh—I—I suppose I like her—"

" A lot?" she prodded "Like…cockroach cluster's or …..Slughorn's selective midnight bashes?"

"Definitely cockroach cluster's!"

"Oh" her face wilted.

"What? The only person that enjoys those parties is Peter" he reasoned "You can't expect us manly-man wizards to like such rubbish!"

She nodded , dropping to sit on the floor.

"I guess"

"You alright, Madam Head Girl?"

"Fine, Tommy." She sighed , threading a hand through her hair "Return to paying your bitches , I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate working for free"

James chuckled "True"

The silence that drifted was awkward, filled with farting children , happy tarts and pimping second-in-commands.

"I still…uh…like you , if that's what you meant"

She sat a bit straighter "Yeah?"

He looked down at his hands , lacing and unlacing his fingers "Yeah…"

"Oh" she blushed and smiled awkwardly.

The birds stopped pecking, a long howl of pain and death was uttered in unison and then the sound of colliding birds and stone.

Ellda shifted.

"You know…" James began .

"What?" Lily prompted , looking over at Ellda's ice-pick with a wary eye.

"I'm not going to break up with her" he finished acidly.

"_What?_"

"I'm not performing a hallelujah chorus because you finally had an epiphany. Besides, you haven't apologized"

"And I wont"

"Fine"

"_Fine_"

She opened the door "Bastard! Bloody buggered bastard!"

"Stubborn heifer!"

He slammed the door , forgetting his goddess and firing another insult.

"Goat?" Ellda awoke.

"_I do not have and erectile dysfunction!_"

(1)This scene is the final of several that enable James and Lily to become a unit, you'll notice it didn't happen in this chapter. Feed me , and you shall know the answers. I'm a starving child . TAKE PITY ON ME!

An: THE END!

REVIEW! I'LL HAVE YOUR VIRTUAL HEADS ON BLOODY PIKES IF YOU DON'T. ( I understand this method doesn't always work , but hey , can't blame me for trying can you?)


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